My Undying Art

The stars in the sky

fall towards the milky

way twilight,

as bright as ever,

whilst we wait in line,

that will lead us into

forever,

and I may kiss you,

and hold your hand

until the Sun rises

and the Moon collides

with the desert sands,

where each grain

may give way

to the moments of my heart,

as you are there

upon twilight’s shore,

forever more.

And that is my

undying art...

Reviews

[dan]

Brian, This is a beautiful piece of writing, but I have one suggestion. In my opinion you tend to overuse commas; take a few out and I believe you will see that it has an easier flow to the piece. The wordplay is first rate, as yours always seem to be. Nice job! take care...dan

[Brian M. Peeples]

Your suggestions, as always, are very well appreciated and considered. Thank you for your time, and your review. I do agree, I tend to overuse commas. When I say the words in my head, I tend to pause quite a bit, which the commas represent the pauses in my mind, but yes you are absolutely right. So, I'd removed a few. Thank you!

[dan]

I'm glad you do not get offended by constructive criticism. Your writing is so well done; too much extra punctuation can distract the reader from the flow of the write. Keep sending me RRs? take care...dan

[Brian M. Peeples]

Will do, my friend. And I'd opened my rr's as well, so if you have any you'd wish for me to read and review, send away! I'm always happy to read and review others' work! Take care.

[dan]

Thanks Brian. I just got a new Internet provider and it went wrong with the installation. I've been offline since Wednesday, got to catch up on my reviews. Keep writing, sir! take care...dan

[Brian M. Peeples]

Thanks, Dan. Yeah. I was wondering where you'd gone to. You're one of the first people I said rr's to because I value your input and thoughts on my writing because they're very inspiring reviews. And this past week I'd gone on a writing spree with writing poems, so I had sent you quite a few rr's. Well, I'm glad you're back! Writer's cafe wouldn't be the same without one of its best reviewers haha!

[dan]

Thank you, very nice of you to rate me that high. Now I just have to live up to my advanced billing. (Ha!) take care...dan