The Clockwork Melancholy

A hopeless romantic. An introverted bookworm who surrounds himself with the many, many tales and stories that life has to offer. A shy, quiet young man who has never had the chance to fall head over heels for a girl before. A poet wrapped around sorrow and feathered by time. It wouldn’t be much longer now. I could hear the ticking of the clock that would tick my dwindling life away...while each click began to slow down to a pulse-the beat of a heart; my heart.

I have been battling depression for quite some time, now. And I am regrettably losing the war. It was not a war, though, that I knew I would win. Once I realized that my opponent was Death, it would only become an inevitable struggle to hold onto my final breath. And with that last breath, my final few words will escape from my grasp...and then I will be gone from this place, this world, and leave everyone and everything in it behind. I will become a spirit, a ghost of the past, and only the memories of my tiny existence will be kept within the minds of those who I have encountered in my lifetime. Nothing but a memory...how sad that would be. And when they also slip from the grasp of life, my memory, along with their own, will disappear from the world. Into a lonely nothingness.

If you think about it, it truly is tragic. How we are born into this world, and only have one chance to live; just one moment to the next in a land so foreign to us. We have all the time in the world, yet none at all. We run on borrowed time that has no limit as a whole, but there is a limit for each of us-some longer than others, and some not at all.

It reminds me of my former friends, who have all gone on with their separate lives. Their memories are all I have left. I sometimes wonder about whether or not they have forgotten about me, or if they ever think of all the fun times we had together...the laughter, the tears, the jokes and everything that we had gone through...but it’s all a distant memory, now. If only the clocks of time could turn back to those late Summer evenings where we’d all gather around the campfire and tell stories. Yes...the stories. Memories of each other’s nightmarish pasts. None of which seemed real, yet how could they not be? Why would we make them up? Why pretend?

Maybe to be accepted. Or to perhaps fit in.

As each memory would flourish in my mind, it left behind a work of art-the mind’s art-some better than others, yet not all entirely made sense. Abstract art, to be exact. Painting a stunningly captivating picture of the world around me, I would hope to one day express these emotions; the feelings of my pain and suffering, as we all have suffered deeply in this world. And as each memory carves itself into the thick stone of this rocky planet, every second becoming stitched into the fabric of time, I sit alone, broken and torn apart by the negativity in the world.

All of the hate, the anger; all of the jealousy, and the greed. When something doesn’t go a person’s way, they become infatuated with the idea that it should’ve gone their way...and then they figure that it’s okay to retaliate-it gives them justification to ‘right their wrong,’ but those men and women are always wrong when using this twisted method. But they never even think to turn their head towards the victim of this retaliation to see  him or her crying...saddened by the mere thought of being outcasted in a society that thrives on interacting with one another. Bullied by others, tormented without good reason; lying awake at night thinking of the pain and agony of the passing day. And you have to wonder, do those people think about you, as well?-Of what they had done to you on that day? Perhaps, or they have been doing such a thing for so long that it becomes an intricate fabric of their artwork. But I would never buy their masterpiece.

It would hurt too much when I left, to burden the world with the pain of my own. So I have decided take it all with me, burying my thoughts and ideas; my dreams of a better world...a peaceful place...to be able to sleep quietly for the rest of my eternal slumber. And it would make me happy-a final chance at true happiness, for the first time.

But, unfortunately, it would have to wait, as I am not finished with this world just yet. So many things to do, so little time, but not a moment spent that isn’t worth the effort to keep moving forward; to press on with our lives. And I will keep going, always and forever, as it is my job-A job I do not wish to be fired from.

Closing my eyes, I imagined standing there, on the side of a road. The buildings were blurry, as if they did not matter. Rain began to shower the earth with its graceful presence, blending in with the tears of all the people who have suffered in the midst of the world’s chaos. She was sympathetic to our pain, the rocky land we stand upon. Her expression of sorrow, and the agony of having to watch time pass by without being able to intervene in our suffering-it seemed rather overwhelming.

Clouds loomed over the busy city as the residents scurried along the sidewalks with their umbrellas and raincoats. I did not bother. I was too fascinated with watching the world from the sidelines-a ghost, marveling the beauty of both life and death; of growth and decay-each opposing the other, a struggle between two rivals in an endless battle over the control of humanity. Though, they were not truly rivals, but rather two lovers who yearned for each other’s lonely company; on opposite ends of nature.

Life, a young, lonely girl who only wishes to impress her eternal love, sends countless gifts to Death, and he keeps them forever. But, unfortunately, the two will always be apart.

As I watched the busy streets of the unnamed city, I noticed something rather peculiar about the scene. Nobody could see me. I was coincidentally invisible to the mind’s eye. No...I was invisible to their hearts... And it was as if their hearts were controlling their eyes. People would walk past me, even through my ghostly essence. I was no more than a mere spirit, lost and wandering aimlessly among people who mattered; people who were important enough to be alive. And even when I was still alive, I never truly lived. Sure, I walked among people-I even socialized with others. But I did not live. I was already dead before I was born. Before I could crawl, or walk, or run, or fly. I was already destined to leave the world before I ever stepped foot in it, as we all are. Though, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take away from the beauty of our world, the mysteries and the miracles of the planet we’ve grown attached to; attached enough to not want to leave it. And I am content with that.

As we are human, we tend to forget that we only have a limited time to live, to be there, alongside our friends and family-caught up in those terrible habits and addictions that drive others away... That kill you, not on the outside, but from within; deep down inside, the heart-The human heart yearns for the company of others. And in life, we cannot thrive by ourselves; while in death, we regret that we did anyway. A neverending cycle of loneliness that creeps into the lives of all beings. And when Life sends her love another gift, Death will embrace the loneliness that he has been given, for his true love will never truly be able to see how much her gifts mean to him... And then he shall weep until the ground he stands upon is soaked in his tears, a stream that will flow back into the cycle of all things.

Life tends to bring rain to the world as she weeps for her lost love, but while also creating new life in the midst of her suffering. Torn apart by the misery she feels, the lonely maiden sometimes calls for her lover in the quiet night. Rumbling thunder, she strikes her anger upon the earth, causing a shock of light that burns deep into the ground. It will sometimes wake up Death, which will in turn cause disaster for those living. And as the rain falls into the ocean’s massive pool, it connects with Death’s tears, of what used to be only a stream-now an ocean. And for just a moment, they can feel each other’s warmth...but a moment to them is an eternity to us.

I have held on so far, simply because Life is so beautiful, and magical; a work of art in and of her own nature. The serenity and peacefulness that captivates my imagination-the majestic beauty of all living creatures and natural phenomena that roam the planet’s surface. And yet, Death is so dark and mysterious; alluring to the darkness in my heart. I can hear him weeping in the night, allowing me to know that he feels my pain. And he wishes to help. But Life does not wish to give me up just yet, as I sympathize with her sorrows. I comfort her in the absence of her other half; her turtle dove. And walking down the now empty street, I opened my eyes to see just as I had imagined. A rainy night, where others have hurried along their way, making the attempt to remain dry. I do not care for such. I only wish to embrace Life’s pain, and cry alongside her-absorbing my tears into her own pool of sorrows. And by connecting with both Life and Death, I can perhaps become a bridge for the two star-crossed lovers; a gateway to their happiness. And that would make me happy.

I looked around to see the empty world around me. Not another soul in sight. All have gone on with their lives, forgetting I ever existed. And perhaps for good reason. I did not belong, nor did I quite fit in. Outcasted by my differences, following others who are too quick to judge. All gone, now. Everyone. The empty city grew cold, and the rain continued. But then I realized something. Life was not the one crying. I was. And I was alone.

The feeling of loneliness was hardly bearable. The lack of human interaction would lead me to a deeper level of depression; one that I could not endure for much longer. The weight seemed to keep pressing against my shoulders, forcing me to stumble several times as I slowly walked towards a corner alleyway. And once there, I fell to the ground on my back, and stared up into the night’s sky. For the first time, I noticed something... There were no clouds. None. And it was still raining. Then I saw her. As blissful as I’d imagined, up in the sky appeared a young girl-beautiful, stunningly captivating, as if frozen in time, her smile was formed by the stars in the sky. It seemed as if she was looking directly at me, and only me. I was finally noticed by someone; someone who was perfect in their own way, as it should be. And It made smile one last time as I lied there. Right before I closed my eyes for the rest of eternity; forever. And forever would not last only a lifetime, but beyond that-reaching far throughout time and space.

The image of the young girl in the sky seemed to speak to me through my heart, allowing me to hear her lovely, delicate voice. It was peaceful, serene, and calm in nature. And it quieted my sorrows, allowing me to follow her into the dark without any fears. I did not fear Death anymore; nor did I fear Life. As far as I knew, the two were only human...and that left me with a question. What was I?

“You are human, also.” the calm voice whispered in my ear.

Her words moved through my body and found their way into my heart. The feeling woke me up. I was given a surge of energy; a feeling I’d never had before. It was something foreign, a kind of power that could move mountains and separate oceans. It was something that was often spoken but not often felt... Just one word. And it was love. I had felt love for the first time. And to whom did I love? Well, to be honest, I began to feel the immense power of love for all things living. Is this how she felt?-The mysterious girl who I knew nothing about, but could still experience her emotions? She felt this love? The love for not only her creations, but also Death, her beloved companion in all of existence. Without one, the other could not survive. Each would collapse and be swallowed up in despair. A black hole of nothingness, the emptiness and darkness inside all of us. I would not allow that to happen. I couldn’t.

I lifted myself to my feet, still feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I raised my arms to the girl in the stars.

“You have given me life. And I am grateful...but it is not enough. There has to be more to my existence; a purpose, or a reason for everything.”

“There is.” she said, her voice echoed in my head, “I want you to visit my love for me, and bring him a gift so that all others will no longer have to suffer in our wake. You will bring peace upon the planet; a serenity that has never been seen. And it will all be because of you. My gift to Death, a worthy sacrifice. And he will keep you forever. “

I had no objections. My time on Earth would not last either way. Whether it was today, or tomorrow, or ten years from now, or even a hundred. However long, it did not matter. If I could make a difference, find a way to change the world, even at the expense of my own life, I would do so willingly. I would be honored to serve the fate of humanity. And as my adventures in this world would cease, I have come to the realization that I am content. I am happy with my life so far, and my depression was only a matter of being lonely. I was no longer alone. I had a family...

I closed my eyes once more; one final time, took one last breath, and lay there silently. The cool air brushed against my face as the rain stopped. Life no longer wept, and the Sun rose for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. No more sorrows. No more pain. No more emptiness. I was no longer in the world of the living, but I was still very much alive. I would always be.

I met Death for the first time, only to see his tears dripping down his slightly tan face, from his fluorescent blue eyes... He was sad, but he would be no more. I moved forward, told the young boy a message that Life had given me to say.

“She loves you, deeply, and says that I am her final gift. I was given not only all of her pain, her sadness, and her love, but also her happiness, her hope, and her promises that she had given you at the beginning of time; now returned to you. She is sorry that your arms are so far away... And there was last more thing she wanted me to give you...”

Death stood there as I leaned towards him, and hugged him-all of Life’s emotions filled him inside; his heart began to beat once more. And Death felt something he’d never felt before, not in a long time... And it was life.

“Thank you, my friend.” the young boy said, wiping the tears from his face as I still held onto him. “I am grateful for your sacrifice. But, unfortunately, you can never return to the world above. And I apologize. There are not enough souls in the world that would show such courage and sacrifice for a risky endeavor. You are a one of a kind.”

“Death, you don’t have to apologize. It was my choice, and I knew of the consequences. I did this knowing that. And I have no regrets. I am content, and I know the world will be better off because of what I have offered you and Life. This is my final decision. And now I can rest peacefully. For the first and final time.”

Death smiled, letting me go as he disappeared into the depths of the misty landscape. I was hesitant to follow, not knowing what I’d find, or even if I would find the young boy again. His appearance was that of a child, but his age was obviously much more mature. And as I slowly stepped forward, I noticed that through the fog a hand reached out towards me. It was Death’s hand... I grabbed a hold as he took me into the great unknown. It wasn’t the end, but a new beginning. I was now about to embark on a new adventure; a new journey. And it would be my greatest one yet.

Reviews

[SheIsMe]

I went through so many emotions reading this. I started with sorrow. I felt pity and sadness for the empty feeling. I was concerned and wanted more. Toward the middle, I felt claustrophic and in need of freedom. Of the release that freedom brings. As I read on, tears pricked my eyes. I cried, and felt joy and sadness, hope and despair. For some reason, the martyr part really hit me and left me breathless. Great job. I really loved reading this and I can't wait to read more in the future!!

[Wolven]

Certainly an interesting take on the life and death debate, depicting the two as entities in love that can never meet as such, like day and night. I was expecting a few more clockwork references in it though.
Other than that, the essences of dialogue actually give character to the entities, which i think must have been one very hard task.

A great read. Bravo Good sir.

[steven]

very great story! i enjoyed it a lot. as always your writing are magnificent! i applaud you for this great peice

[Haley Wilson]

Duuude this was an awesome story! I especially loved your use of italics to kind of emphasize and highlight the names in the story. You're making me all jealous with your writing skills haha. ;)

[~]

Brian, I like your analogies. A good way to present the two major battling forces- life and death. A Messianic view of sacrifice for the good of all, and a great interpretation of parting from life as a gift from life. thank you for sharing.

[wordman]

this is a great chapter brian,was it taken from clockwork orange

[Brian M. Peeples]

No. It's original. It's a short story that I just finished about twenty minutes ago.

[wordman]

i mean the inspiration to write it

[Brian M. Peeples]

Oh, no. To be honest, I haven't read that book yet. I have it, it's on my list to read, but I also have a lot of other novels to read as well.

[wordman]

good for you,i hate reading

[Brian M. Peeples]

I love reading, but every time I pick up a book, I tend to set it down and start writing, because reading gives me ideas for new stories.

[wordman]

get mine from music ,and life