On the Road Again; by Brianna Bragg

My non-conclusive thoughts throughout a day...

on the road less traveled there are insides as well as outs. Cul-de-sacs form out of through roads and dead ends become endless. Periodically it becomes exactly what you expected and then of course that wasn’t expected anyway. The journey through my course of action leads no where but to emptiness. Lost in a sea of anger, I lie with my belly up toward the heavens reaching out with nothing but my eyes, yearning for a future that will never come because of the past that has gone before. Laid out in front of me are the paths to different futures- doors leading to one life or another- calling out my name. each one having something I desire. None known to me. The doors are closing one by one. Soon, I fear, I will have no choice but the choices of my past who will decide for me my certain defeat sealed by my misery. Tasks bland in nature and sufficient gloom are my last safety net to the world of humankind. My bridges burned with the match of my own tongue and solemnly I regret nothing- yet everything- simultaneously. Two kindred spirits are floating about- I do not know if mine disappeared. Pain runs ramped through my lifeless wrist to my heart and no body knows but myself and God. The longing which seeps from every pour in my body is multiplying by the second while my self restraint is lessening. You’d think understanding would come with time- pain does. Selfishness is breeding in my soul. As I pushed away from all things holy and people who loved me- I lost my will to live and thrive. There has to be a reason the b*****d of the universe put me on this earth. I cannot even hide behind my hand crafted masks I created anymore. My walls are crumbling too fast for me to rebuild but no one is trying to get in but destruction itself. Effortlessly my pen floats over paper as my hand strains for a reason to let it keep going. Then I remember you. Casually glancing in your direction your face spits out repulsion for my undesirable flaws. You hold so much power yet you don’t know it. How can these people hold so much power over me? The world, though still spinning with or without me, lies naked- sprawled out before me- waiting to have its way with me. Waiting to see me- all of me- and I don’t want it to. I’m crinkled- scratched- torn. Tapped back together- coiled into a spool of warped paper- dying for someone to paint on my plainness. Used- abused- now useless I’m ready to be torn in ½ and thrown away periodically being used as scratch paper for peoples whims. Just as I have abused and used them. I’ve hurt and been hurt. Cried and been cried over. So different, so unique, so exasperating. I am nothing. Nothing but exasperating and hurtful. Why will you not give up on me? The full-less-ness of my inner being beats on those who give a s**t about me! I give up on myself. Time holds itself n suspense while my life gets more complex. Its not fair to be with anyone. Either they will be devoured by my black hole of selfishness or pull out before its too late. No one needs to be with someone like me. Although I need someone.

Author's Note

Ignore spelling & grammar. It's just my incoherant thought process.