pumps

Forget your shoes

I insisted

as we ran from the burning building

She said her pumps meant everything

made her feel tall

beautiful

clean

optimistic

like the fresh scent of a new car

on a hot summer day

with the windows up

and the air conditioner

blow that fresh scent in your face

over and over

She screamed for those shoes

that were probably turning to ash

in the seconds of the conversation

I took her hand

pulled for her to come to the other side

of the street

where we could watch our lives burn away

19th and laurel

was lit like timid sun

set behind a vast ocean of cloudiness

as I stood near the mayhem

I kept thinking of her shoes

and how they would never make anyone

feel beautiful

or tall

or optimistic ever again

I thought of them burned

and blackened

sootfilled

with a heel

sticking like a cork

half ascened out of rubble

I saw her weeping

carressing her feet

as if they ached

or yearned for something

I need a shoe store and fast

Reviews

[Anhedonia 1349]

The beauty of this piece isn't obvious on first read. And that's not your fault. On first read, the piece seems to be about nothing more than a tragic fire and a highly superficial person. The beauty, my friend, becomes ever-so-evident on subsequent reads, however; once the reader neglects the obvious setting of the piece (the busy city, the firey wreckage) and ignores the obvious character flaws of your narrator's friend, the true quality of the work floats to the surface.

The first thing that comes to mind when I critique this piece is how accurately you summarize overall human nature. What I mean by that is simple: We as humans are very fickle creatures. We tend to put a lot of thought and effort and power into things that are really stupid, petty and temporary. And I think you grasp that characteristic perfectly. Particularly, in this bit:

"She said her pumps meant everything
made her feel tall
beautiful
clean
optimistic
like the fresh scent of a new car" ---> Here we become introduced to a woman who's probably been hurt. She's probably been put down or abused at some point in her life. Maybe she grew up in an abusive home or maybe she was part of a relationship that wasn't emotionally supportive. Whatever story we may choose to create about our heroine, the fact of the matter is that she ISN'T whole. That's obvious. We're not sure what happened to damage her so but we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is, in fact, damaged. The beautiful part of this narration is that THAT essence is captured perfectly. I mean, the poem would be nothing if it weren't for the fact that the entire basis of this woman's existence - the bread and butter of her life - lies in something as meaningless and futile as a pair of pump heels. Even the narrator appears taken aback by the fact that something as grey and lifeless as a pair of shoes can mean so much to anyone.

I think another key factor that makes this piece beautiful is your ability to allow this character - this superficial, materialistic woman - to maintain her personality even in the midst of a tragedy. Her ability to tune out the fact that her very existence is coming to halt in order to pursue her truest desires serves as a testament to her now-prevalent inner strength. This almost highlights the earlier assumption that the woman had been done wrong at some point for she, like lots of women, gained a calloused sense of self-worth and self-power once she moved on. This isn't one of those people who denounce God their entire lives only to beg his forgiveness as they're crashing and burning; on the contrary, this is a woman who can maintain 'til her last dying breath her own sense of worth and self. She's uncompromising. She pulls no punches. And yet she's so weak that she's almost driven to the edge of death in order to hold on to those shoes for just one second longer. The irony there is superb.

Another thing I commend is your poem's return to vivid, analogous imagery, without which your story would be very bland and unwelcoming. As it stands, however, you intertwine imagery that makes your piece fervent and alive. Here are two examples I really enjoyed:

"on a hot summer day
with the windows up
and the air conditioner
blow that fresh scent in your face
over and over" ---> One thing I meant to ask about was your use of "blow" here. Should it be "blowing"?

I also enjoyed this piece:

"19th and laurel
was lit like timid sun
set behind a vast ocean of cloudiness
as I stood near the mayhem" ---> The reason I enjoyed this is because, although it came roughly half-way through the piece, it served as your narrator's very first acknowledgement of the world around him. And that's important for a number of reasons, primarily because it shows how easily we forget the most important, overwhelming factors of life whenever we're facing an unforgiving, tragic situation. It marks almost a return to "the real world" after a rough descent from the perils of tragedy. And yet it brings with it one of the most important parts of the piece.

Immediately afterward, your narrator finally tunes in to the Shoe Lady. He finally recognizes all the important qualities that her shoes bring with them and all the deep-seeded realities that she probably hides behind those shoes. Although we can't say for sure what the relationship is between the narrator and the Shoe Lady, if we were to assume a romantic-sort of relationship, the realization becomes even more important. Why? Well it's simple. Because if they're romantically involved, then your narrator's just realized for the first time what the fabric of her existence is actually woven from. He's finally understanding who she is and why and he's becmome (almost instantly) sympathetic with her tragic flaw.

My only criticism comes (aptly) at the end. The very end. The last line. The way that line reads makes it sound like almost a dry humor - a piece of comic relief that seems soaked with a mixture of wit and sarcasm. And that, sir, is horribly out of place, especially if we assume (as I have thus far) that the Shoe Lady is in pain and that the narrator is finally understanding her pain. Although I can see the line coming from another angle - perhaps the narrator sincererly wants to reinfuse his lady friend with a new piece of materialism to help her pains subside - I feel that even that would be a failure. Because the shoes to her (assuming as I have thus far) aren't just shoes; they're part of her being. It's like Edward Norton's character said in Fight Club when talking to the police: "I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That wasn't just a bunch of stuff in there, it was ME." You see what I mean? I mean, that lady was willing to risk her life to feel beautiful; although her intentions are superficial, I find it hard to believe that she's so fickle that she'd honestly just "move on" and "give her heart" to another pair of shoes. Even if they were identical.

Overall, I'm stunned. This piece is very clever and it's very successful - perhaps even moreso than you intended it to be. I've voiced my criticism. Now let me challenge you: if you remove the last line of the piece, you have a piece with no ending. Since I support removing the line, I therefore challenge you to come up with an appropriate way to end this drama. When doing so, you need to maintain the sincerity of the work and also the seriousness of the characters. I honestly believe that ending this piece without comprimising the integrity of what you have thus far is going to be difficult; if you decide to take on the challenge, I'd like to see it. So email me the rewrite, okay?

Good work, Mr. Lapinski. I think your piece is worthy of many praise. More than I can give it. Which is why I'll be adding this to my favorites list in attempts to share its brilliance with some of the other writers on this site. Because, let's face it: There's not much brilliance left in this site, is there?

[Viper9]

This is so much more . . . real than most. There's beauty in its banality, in the slapdash hurriedness of the last line, in the everyday thoughts and emotions of the narrator. Loved it.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

What is beauty to me is the woman with aching feel needing those pimps .. it is a beauty of a write but so sad.. a bit of an obcession, which we all have one or two .. her's were pumps .. interesting poem, very unique.

Chloe
xoxo

[Elizabeth]

Stunning. I can see it, vividly. It flows well, the images are relatable- and the last line is killer.

Well done.

[Lloyd Lofthouse]

This poem captured a moment of loss both great and small and it seems that the small had more impact. Powerfully done. The image is vivid. I smell the smoke. I feel the pain--his for her loss and her for those shoes. On the other hand, he did what was important--dragged her away from possibly running back into those flames to die in an attempt to save those shoes. Powerful!!! Also a message to the times and how we material people can put more value on something that isn't worth that much above our own lives. She also may have focused all of the loss on the one item, the shoes, because she couldn't comprehend what he did--as all of the things that represent their material lives burned and they start over. I'm thinking of Ne Orleans and Katrina--this poem even captures what it may have been like for people in that city as the water rushed in and swept so many material memories away.

[Anima Inspired]

Clever...clever and brightly written...if that makes any sense. The thing that strikes me the most about this piece is the tone of your poetic voice, very matter of fact and yet filled with an extreme depth.

She said her pumps meant everything
made her feel tall
beautiful
clean
optimistic

...I can relate to this section of your piece. LOL

Overall, an extremely well written poetic journey...a snapshot of life.

[Drifting Blue]

You have talent. This scene is well told and rendered. What a great detail in such turmoil, the loss of a shoe, the loss of normal, grief over what was and what now is. This poem is a ladder with many rungs.

[.CaLL.me.MisZ.bEnZy.]

im u l0ve her s0 much, that u care that she cares ab0ut her sh0e.....very sweet..

[B. Lapinski]

sorry bout the errors....