Saturday, November 26, 2011

A personal memoir based around when I was sixteen years old, living away from home with my boyfriend (we were a gay couple), about my transition from youth to adulthood. This is just one chapter.

I was feeling quite anxious about nothing in particular. I decided to channel that nervous energy into cleaning the house. I swept the kitchen, dusted all the surfaces, vacuumed the carpets, and collected a number of glasses and plates we had been hoarding for weeks. It felt good to put everything back in its proper place.

	Christian was feeling antisocial. He was occupied with something on his laptop in the living room. No doubt that was contributing to my mood as well. With Christian, it was like stepping on eggshells sometimes. He was like a volcano ready to erupt. Just no one quite knew when.
	He paid me no attention that morning. I was feeling rather content about the work I had put in around the house, so I went across the car dealership parking lot to the corner store. I bought two iced teas. My favourite and Christian's favourite. I came back and surprised Christian with a mango iced tea and he was delighted. I figured that maybe he wasn't upset with me after all. 
	I decided to leave Christian alone with his work. I went downstairs and finished my iced tea in the kitchen. I sat at the table, admiring the home which I now lived in. I guess it was finally sinking in that I lived away from my parents now. It was incredibly liberating. No more rules. No more fighting with my mom about chores or boyfriends. I had the freedom to do whatever I pleased with hardly any responsibilities. 
	In a way, Gary and Wendy were like my new adopted parents. Gary would yell at us to keep things tidy and do our dishes, and Wendy was always keeping track of what we were up to. Making sure we weren't getting into any kind of trouble and what not. 
	I never minded Wendy at first so much as I did Gary. Perhaps solely because we didn't see her as much. Gary was constantly getting on my nerves however. Every time we'd leave, whether it was to go to the store, for a walk, or anything he'd ask where we were going and for how long we'd be gone. He was so inquisitive. We had our own key to get into the house, and it wasn't like Gary ever did anything too special while we were out. There was literally no reason for him to ask us these questions. 
	One time we got into an argument about leaving the lights on downstairs. Without thought, I'd turn the kitchen, bathroom or hallways lights off whenever I left a room. Then Gary complained that it was too dark, and that I shouldn't do that. No other reason, just that he was very upset that I was “Going around turning all the lights off”. I tried to understand, and I even asked him what about the cost of hydro. He told me it was ridiculous to worry about that since neither him, Christian or I had to pay utilities. This was a real debate we had. 
	Of course there were many other little things that bothered me about Gary. He lived on the main floor rent free, and so he always acted like he had some sort of superiority over us. I'll admit, that we would often leave our dishes a day or two after we'd use them. This complaint I understood. We were just really bad at looking after that one chore. But one time, he stood right beside me while i finished an entire sink full of dishes, just watching me without saying a single word. Then after, he criticized me for not letting the water run. I argued that it saved water that way, but again he wasn't interested at all in conserving.  
	Sometimes we had interesting talks though. We discussed how meditation supposedly unlocked secret, unused areas of the brain. We also debated the fact that we supposedly only ever use 10 percent of our brain's capacity. Apparently that wasn't true. He was knowledgeable about random things, and sometimes he'd share his wisdom with us if he wasn't drunk or in an awful mood. But mostly he was just the grumpy old man we tolerated. 
	In the bedroom, i was in bed doing some writing. Christian came in with his laptop and sat next to me. He was silent for a while, so i broke the tension by asking him what he had been working on. It was always “Nothing.” I guess he did this to be mysterious or something. It was frustrating. 
	I told him then that I had invited friends over later for one last bonfire before the weather got too bad. That's when he lost it on me. He closed his laptop shut, shouting at me and complaining that i never allowed us to have our own alone time together. The thing was that I always felt like he was pushing me away. That he needed his own space. So naturally, I sought out other ways to entertain myself. Whenever we were alone, he would just read or stay on his computer and ignore me. I didn't understand.
	He became so upset with me that he told me was leaving. That made me anxious to think he was leaving in a mood like this. He sometimes demonstrated this kind of irrational, reckless behaviour. I was afraid what it might result in if I just let him walk away. 
	I pleaded with him to stay. I asked him to drink with us and socialize with us. He had no interest in doing that. He insisted that none of my friends liked him, and called me crazy and inconsiderate. On that note he stormed off. 
	I began to cry, wrapped up in my bedsheets. It wasn't entirely due to his angry outburst, but a build up of stress and anxiety from the week on a whole. I tried to call and text him after he left the house, but he wouldn't answer me. He needed to be alone so i let him.
	After a few hours went by, I woke up realizing I had cried myself to sleep. My eyes were swollen shut. There wasn't much light outside anymore. The days were depressingly short and grim. 
	Kelsi and Jefferson had each called me a few times and I had missed their calls, but still no answer from Christian. I got out of bed and brought glasses upstairs for later. Suddenly, i wasn't so hurt by Christian as i was resentful of him. 
	I remember watching Star Wars and eating strawberry ice cream while I waited for my friends to come over. I thought about what my next interaction with Christian would be like. I thought about confronting him and threatening to take off. But the threat would hold no merit. I couldn't leave Riverside. My mom didn't want me to live with her anymore, and my Dad lived too far away. Another family member would never let me have the sort of freedom I had now. I was trapped here. With Christian. 
	Looking back now, it was unfair of me to stay when i didn't love Christian anymore. I suppose it had been a slow process. Every day i grew to resent him more and more. Finally I just didn't care about him that much anymore. His character only annoyed me. His frequent angry outbursts scared me. His habits were a turn off. I just fell out of love with him so quickly. Yet here we were living together with nowhere else to go. In a way, I think he felt the same way toward me. There was no connection anymore, but we were both too afraid t be alone. 
	Everyone piled in part way through the movie. I was forced to abandon ice cream and entertain my friends instead. Jeff and Kevin gathered wood along the river front, Kelsi and I started a small fire in the pit, Fritz entertained us with stories of various drug trips he'd been on, and Pam sat with Tex next to the fire preparing bong tokes. 
	After a bit, I forgot all about my fight with Christian. When it crossed my mind, it didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't care where he was or what he was doing. My belly was warm with whiskey and my head high from the pot. I was glad that Christian wasn't there with us. I don't think I would have been able to act like myself if he was. I was in great company. I admired all of my friends and the way we connected so easily. It was never awkward or uncomfortable. Everyone was just there to have a good time. 
	I think one particular thing that was nice about our little group, was that we came together to find refuge from our every day life and stresses. Each of us carried our own baggage. And on Monday we'd be forced to deal with it all again, but for now we could come together and release those negative energies. Riverside was our alternate reality. We could be whoever we wanted to be, so long as we were here with each other.
	When it got too cold to stay outside, we relocated to the North room. I played loud techno music and turned the strobe lights on. We all contributed to a sesh and passed the bong around until it was incredibly smokey. The bright blinking light was much more effective when the room was cloudy like that. It tripped us all out a bit too much after a while, and we had to turn them off. 
	At one point (we were all pretty drunk by then), Pam dared her boyfriend Kevin to make out with me. I didn't think I would be into it. Even though I was upset with Christian, I was still loyal to him and just felt wrong about it. I definitely didn't think Kevin would be up for it either. But he just shrugged, shuffled over to me and then suddenly we were kissing. 
	It was so overwhelming. I had such a big crush on Kevin, so it was like a fantasy come true. Next thing I knew, before I could even process what had just happened, Jack slid in front of me, grabbed a hold of my face and kissed me too! Everyone was laughing so hysterically. I couldn't believe what was happening.	
	We were all so comfortable with one another, so it didn't really matter. Fritz suggested that we all find a place and just start touching each other. The vibe in the room was becoming increasingly more sexual. I wasn't totally opposed to it, but i heard faint sounds coming up the stairs, and then a door slam in the hallway.
	I came back down to earth and decided to go and check on the noise, hoping it was Christian. I really wanted to see him now. Then i found him. He was in the bedroom packing a bag. I asked what he intended to do and I could see that he was trembling with fury. He couldn't speak straight to me. 
	I wondered if he had heard us all laughing and if he knew I had kissed Jack and Kevin. I felt incredibly guilty about it now. He screamed at me again, this time saying stuff like: “I'm done.” and “This is f*****g over”. I asked him to calm down and talk to me. I didn't want him freaking out like this.   
	He was being completely unreasonable and wouldn't listen to a word I was saying. It was difficult to keep composure since i had been drinking and smoking for the last couple of hours. When he tried to walk past me out of the bedroom, I stood in his way to stop him. That was my mistake. He shoved me hard with two hands and I fell back into the wall.    
	By the time I got back up, he was already down the stairs. I was shocked that he had freaked out like that. I needed a moment to calm myself down. Kelsi and Jeff came into the bedroom. They sat next to me and consoled me. I noticed then that the space on the wall which I had fallen into was now completely caved in.
	The mood in the house had changed severely. No one was thinking sexual anymore. They were all just concerned about what had gone on between Christian and I. Pam asked me if they should leave, but I told them no. I didn't want to be alone with Christian if by some chance he decided to come back home later. Even though I was pretty sure that he was gone for good now. It was the second time he'd taken off that day. 

	On that note, everyone was getting tired so we all found somewhere to sleep. Fritz and his girl went to the living room. Pam, Kevin, and Tex stayed in the North room, and I provided them with extra pillows and blankets. Jefferson and Kelsi crawled into bed with me in our bedroom. Even though I was shaken up by what had happened with Christian, I was still glad that he wasn't with us. I was so mad that i was sure I'd break up with him the next day if he hadn't planned to already. 
	In the bed, the three of us cuddled with Kelsi in the middle. What started off as innocent, quickly became sexual. Our hands met and our bodies touched. Everyone was touching everyone in some way. I was so aroused, but nervous at the same time. I hadn't really had a sexual experience with a girl at this point. Then I said it out loud: threesome. I guess I felt more comfortable bringing it out in the open. We all giggled, a bit embarrassed. Then we agreed that it wouldn't be so bad, since Jefferson wouldn't have to touch me if he didn't want to. We would be giving Kelsi all of the attention. 
	It was all so amazing. We had resumed our touching when suddenly the lights came on and Christian was standing at the foot of the bed staring at us. 
	“Everybody out!” He demanded.
	He hadn't even been gone fifteen minutes. Kelsi and Jefferson half clothed, crawled out of the bed and left the room quickly. Christian gave me a look of deep contempt, and then I heard him go into the North room and tell everyone who had a place to go tonight to leave. Everyone who didn't could stay, but no one was allowed in the bedroom anymore. 
	I pretended to be sleeping when he came back into the room so that we wouldn't have to talk to each other. I was conflicted in my thoughts towards him. He had told me that we were done, and now we were in bed together again. He obviously cared about our relationship, or he wouldn't have gotten upset like that. I almost wished that he had just stayed away and that we had had that threesome instead. 
	I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. He was just this dead weight that got in the way of things, but somehow I was still completely dependent on him. I hated myself for letting that happen. I swore to myself that i would find a way to be independent without Christian. I'd find the courage to stand up to him and end our relationship.   

Author's Note

I want to know your opinion! Share how you feel. What would you add or take out? I'm interested in knowing everything.