Chapter 1

As you held me in your arms I somehow knew this would be the last time. The last time I'd feel your warm embrace; the last time I'd smell your sweet scent; the last time I would call you mine. So I held you a little longer just so I could keep your memory as long as possible. 

None of this changes though, the fact that you're dead. You died three months ago, but your memory still haunts me. How could it not? I loved you, every last bit of you, and you just left this world without me. That's the thing about suicide no one considers; how much it'll affect the people you leave behind. You thought no one would care, but that's a lie. You knew I would. You knew, and you still left. 

Your death is not the reason behind me writing this though. Your life is. Despite what you thought, your life was precious, important; you touched so many people, especially me. This is your story of how you lived and loved and lost, and of how you left. I'll never forget you.

It would only make sense to start at the very first day I ever laid eyes on you.  You were bent over your desk with a paint brush moving soft strokes over paper.  Later, I would learn you were painting the sky the way you remembered it the last time you saw your father.  But in that moment all I saw was the cute pout on your lips from concentrating and the way your hair cascaded over your back.  You were this beautiful creature put on this planet just for me, I knew. I also knew in that moment you were going to be the death of me. This is how I managed to run into a desk full of paints spilling every one.  Damn you Kar, damn you.

As I fumbled around apologizing and trying to clean up my mess I glanced back at you.  You were laughing.  I keep this memory with me at all times.  That laugh I will never forget.  Kar, I hope you're happy up there in heaven.  I miss you.

I would continue on my day to later run into you in the cafeteria.  Now if you're starting to think this all sounds a little too cliche and straight from a book, well you're right.  It was like I was living this made up life.  I'll never know how I got that lucky.  As you went to sit down at an empty table in the corner, I mustered up the courage to follow you.  I was new at this school and had been sitting at random empty seats, so no one noticed when I sat down across from you.

"Hello.  I'm Danielle, or Danny rather," I said.  As I began to eat my mashed potatoes you just looked at me with this odd expression.  I could never figure it out.

"Karaline," you spoke softly.

"Karaline..." I repeated quietly to myself.  For the rest of lunch we just sat in each others company content with the silence.

This lasted for a few weeks before anything was ever really said between us.  We'd make small talk here and there, but that was it.  One day as I sat down in my usual seat you looked at me and said, "You can't fall in love with me."

"What!" I spat apple juice across the table.  It was the first time you had ever shocked me.  "Why do you think I would  fall in love with you?' I questioned.

You leaned in closer and I could almost feel your breath tickling my cheek.  "Because," you replied, "I make you think.  I'm a quest for you.  You wonder 'does she like me or does she not?' And you want to get to know me.  I can see it written across your face every time we talk.  But you can't fall in love with me.  Promise you won't."

"I can't promise that." I held your stare.  You didn't say anything.  I don't think you knew how to reply, so we just continued our lunch in our usual silence.

When the bell rang to go back to class, I gathered my things as quickly as possible.  I needed to get away from you so I could think.  I began to walk off but your voice stopped me.

"Danny?"

"Yeah." I turned.

"I can't promise anything either."  You slung your bag on your shoulder and walked off, leaving me to wonder what the hell you were meaning.

The next few days of school seemed to be the slowest days of my life.  You missed the rest of that week, and I had no way to contact you.  Seeing you everyday had started to feel like a necessity.  I hate you for missing those days, though.  If you had told me then why you didn't come, I would have went after you and held you until all your pain was gone.  But you didn't, and I didn't, so instead you bleed your pain away by yourself at home.  Just thinking of what you did hurts me, Kar.  But I understand it.  Ever since your death, I find myself from time to time doing the same.  Sometimes I think about ending it like you did, joining you up there in Heaven.  You wouldn't want that though, would you Kar?

You did come back to school the next week again, and our lunches continued.  Something had changed though.  We talked more, and I started to learn all the little things that made you you. 

"What's your favorite color?" You asked popping a green grape into your mouth.

"Oh, such deep questions," I laughed sarcastically. 'But green.  Yours?"

"Purple," you smiled.  "My dad use to always buy me these purple flowers on my birthday.  However old I was, that was the number of flowers he bought me.  I loved it."  You briefly smiled again but it was gone almost as soon as it appeared.  "Sorry," you blushed.

"Don't be,' I said just as the bell rang.  "Why don't you tell me more over dinner?" I quickly asked, while barely looking at you.  Kar, if you had turned me down I don't know what I would have done.  I really don't.

"Sure.  I'll text you," you replied.  You walked off in the opposite direction, glancing back only once to throw that beautiful smile of yours over your shoulder.

Our first date sucked to be honest, Kar.  We were incredibly awkward around each other and so shy.  With that said, I would relieve it every day if it meant you were still here.

I was the perfect girl, though.  I picked you up right on time, giving you a single purple flower to represent our first date.  Yes Kar, I stole your dad's idea.  You would receive quite a few more purple flowers from me.  What can I say?  Dads know best.

"You didn't have to," you said while taking the flower inside to place it in water.

"I wanted to," I grinned.  "You look gorgeous by the way."  And god, Kar, you did.  You were enough to stop my heart.  And i'd be lying if I said I didn't just want to run my hands all over your body then and there.  It took all my restraint to not kiss you.  Despite being a horny lesbian, I respected you.  It was only our first date after all and I'd save the kiss for the end of the night.

"You ready for the movie?" I asked, trying to make small talk on our way to the cinema.

"Of course. I picked it didn't I?" You laughed.  I giggled nervously not sure what to say from here.  My shyness seemed to be brought out when I was around you.  I couldn't help it.

After what had seemed like a terribly long drive, thirty minutes later we arrived at the cinema.  I went and bought our tickets while you waited in line for refreshments.  I'm not sure why I let you pick the movie. I should have known you would choose some sappy love story, and that you did.  

As the lights went down the the previews started to play I started to steal glances your way.  You kept your eyes steadily on the screen so it was okay.  in the dark room lit only my the lights from the screen you seemed to be even more beautiful if that was even possible.  I felt ugly in comparison in my worn out jeans, white tee, flannel, and my pale lifeless skin.  I hated this aspect about myself.  no matter how hard I tried to be tan I always had this awful pasty white skin.  No amount of sun or tanning beds could change it.  Trust me, I tried and ended up with a burnt butt so sore I couldn't sit for weeks.  After that I gave up on trying to have that perfect skin.  It just wasn't worth it.  But you, on the other hand, may not have had perfect bronze skin but your paleness and black hair added such a contrast that it made people want to look twice.  One glance just wasn't enough, not for me at least.

Suddenly, my mind returned back to the real world and I realized you were looking at me too, almost as if you had been talking to me.  You just shook your head and looked away while I snorted slightly in a laugh. "Sorry," I whispered close to you ear.  I used this as my opportunity to reach out and slip my hand into yours.  I saw a smile stretch across your face as you squeezed my hand a little.

After the movie was over I took you to McDonald's.  Now before you all start thinking i'm a cheap b***h, I let Karaline choose.  She chose, not me.  She wasn't into fancy restaurants and I was cool with it.  Burgers and fries were just as good as any other food.

"So you agreed to tell me more about yourself when you agreed to this date. Remember?" I said shoving a fry into my mouth.

"Oh I remember.  Not sure what I was thinking," you reply. "But I mean I don't have much to tell really. You know my favorite color and my favorite food is sitting in front of us so.  Other than that I love art, have two sisters, and yes black is my original hair color despite what people think. You?

"Ehh," I grumble, "I moved from Minnesota with my dad and I'm a dancer.  Or was a dancer rather.  Pizza is my favorite food and I'm a typical tumblr addict."

"Pizza? Really?" you joked.  "So original Danny."  We both started laughing.  We finished our food and decided to end our night. 

On the drive back to your house I started thinking about that stereotypical kiss at the end of first dates and my hands started to sweat(another characteristic I hated about myself).  Would you want me to kiss you or not?  As I pulled into your driveway and stopped the car, I looked you way and BAM you kissed me.  Karaline, YOU KISSED ME.  I was completely shocked, but the kiss was still perfect.  The soft salty taste of your lips and the sweet taste of our tongues against one another was enough to drive me mad.  I soon found my hands intertwined with your silky hair pushing and pulling against you for more.  The kiss had to end though, and you were the one who pulled away.  You murmured sorry in embarrassment and quickly got out my car and started towards your house.  You were always leaving in these ways.  It was as if you couldn't make up your mind about how you felt towards me, and maybe you couldn't.  I'll never know.