A Year Ago

A year ago I decided to leave you. I left you in the worst possible way. I did not want to experience the pain because I'd felt it so much during our time together, and wanted to be rid of it immediately. Rid of you. We tripped and I realized that pain, truly realized it. I was hurting every day because you took me for granted, you lied to me, and you treated me like no matter the pain you inflicted, I would always stay. You never tried to make anything better. You never tried to understand me the way you always pushed me to understand you. You never tried to change anything because you wanted to make things work, because you loved me. I felt no love from you. 

So, yes, I left. I left and it was sudden, and it was cold. I left you and told you that I'd rather not speak to you. I told you not to text me. I told you I didn't want you to be apart of my life anymore. It was the only way I knew how to handle things back then. I didn't want to see your face, hear your voice, speak your name. I was consumed with anger and bitterness, and it led me down a dark road. And justly so, I can say. Yes, I did horrible doings. But you did, too. The fault is not all mine, and I am not all to blame for what happened. I felt used, abused, constantly mentally and emotionally distraught. You broke my heart so many times. I had never felt like dying until I met you. You made me want to die.

A road, though, that I am thankful I traveled. All of it I am thankful for. I learned so much about myself and it was me hitting rock bottom. I could stoop no lower. I had done terrible things and I was a terrible person. It hit me abruptly after I decided to let you back in, for whatever reason. You and I smoked and we went to this park in Oly, and just walked and talked. It was amazing. I saw you in a whole new light, as well as myself. I felt it then. I felt the connection we had. The true connection. I knew in that moment in time that you were my soulmate. Nothing was the same after that. I went back to the farm and didn't speak to anyone. I woke early the next morning and went out to my truck for privacy and decided to write and listen to music. Then, after months of not crying, not being able to cry, it all came to. I was sobbing and I didn't even realize it because I was writing everything down. I was confessing. I was purging and waking up. It was a pivotal moment in my life. It was completely an epiphany. I felt all of things I had done to you. I felt your pain. I felt the loneliness and the ache in your heart. The frustration, the burn of betrayal. I understood. 

All the while I was texting you telling you how sorry I was, and how I couldn't believe how much I still loved you after everything. 

Then I came and saw you and all you told me was that you wanted to hold me, and you did. You held me like you'd never, ever, held me before. It was the best feeling, more than I can even say. The way we curled together, we just... fit. My body melted into your's, and it was complete ecstasy. 

And then when I was healthy again, healed up from my sickness, we coiled and it was bliss and it was pure and it was full of love and longing and satisfaction. 

There have been many hard times since then. But we have made it. And we are better than ever, and I am so, so thankful. I love you so much. You make my heart swell with so much love and adoration it takes me away. Sometimes I look at you and I can't believe you're real, and that you're mine. I am so thankful for you every day I live. I always will be.