Chapter 8: Is Everyone Leaving Me?

Spencer was right. My night was unforgettable. We drove for an hour and jammed out to our favourite songs. Then he took me to eat at a fancy restaurant with some weird French or Italian name. After dinner, we went to the screening and it was amazing. It was just like we were little kids. We whispered and giggled quietly to each other. To finish off the night he took me to get ice cream. We sat in a booth together, in our formal wear, and ate ice cream. We reminisced about old times. Many memories included Dad. I could see the pain in his eyes every time a memory with him crossed his mind and I’m sure he could say the same about me. Suddenly he got quiet and put his spoon down. He looked up at me with a serious look on his face.

 

“Kendall, I need to talk to you about something.”

 

My hands begin to shake, so I put my spoon down and place my hands in my lap. I nod, telling him to go on.

 

“Sh-Shelby and I are moving in together.”

 

My heart sunk as soon as the words left his lips. Everyone is leaving me. The next thing I know, Aria will be leaving me too and I’ll have nobody. I could feel tears building up. I tried to blink them away, but these ones were too stubborn.

 

“Listen to me, sis. I know that’s not what you want, but Shelby’s pregnant and I need to step up for her and take care of her. Not only her, but the baby too. She needs me now. She’s scared and once her parents find out, they’ll kick her out. You’ve met her parents. You know what they’re like. I’m sorry.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. Shelby’s pregnant. With a baby. My brother is going to be a father. My brother is going to have a baby. He is going to have his own family and he is going to forget about me. He has to be there for Shelby, but what about me? Who will be there for me? Without him, I’ll be all alone. My only safety will be the four thin walls of my room.

 

“Kendall, say something. Plea-”

 

“What about me, Spencer? You’re just going to leave me behind? No one wants me there. I’m responsible for Dad’s death and they hold that against me every second of every-“

 

“They don’t blame you. No one does.”

 

“Yes, they do! Don’t sit there and act like you don’t know that they put all the blame on me. If you can’t see that then you might want to get your eyes check because you’re clearly blind. If you can’t see the look of hatred in their eyes every time they look at me then there must be something wrong with you. To them I’m a criminal that got away with murder. They can’t even look me in the eyes.”

 

I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. As I pleaded my case, tears begin to fall down my face and land in my ice cream. He knows they blame me. He just won’t admit it.

 

“I’m not dying, Kendall. I’m just moving out. I’m going to have a baby! I can’t stay at home. I will still be there for you. I won’t leave you alone. You can come stay with us whenever you need to, but I can’t stay home. I have to do this. I can’t abandon Shelby.  Maybe you don’t understand now, but you will someday.”

 

I couldn’t keep fighting this. Instead of responding to him, I sat there quietly, stirring my melting ice cream around.

 

****

 

After 10 minutes, spencer suggests we go home. I stand and walk out the door, towards the car. The ride home was silent. I had nothing to say to him. He’s leaving me behind. In nine months, he won’t even have time for me. Every promise he makes will be broken within the year. Maybe I should just make it easier on him and disappear forever. Maybe then everything will be better. I won’t be alone anymore. I’ll get to see Dad again. Leaving everything sounds better and better every day. Everything that’d good in my life is slowly deteriorating. Soon enough, there will be nothing left. Soon enough I won’t be left. I don’t belong in this world. I was a mistake. Every day that becomes more and more clear to me. I can’t even surround myself in the safety of Ethan’s arms. He’s 4000 miles away and I’m all alone.  I wish could forget the entire night ever happened.

 

****

 

By the time I get home, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I just want to sleep forever.  The whole night was a disaster.

 

I throw on a pair of sweatpants and one of Ethan’s shirts he left behind.  It still smells like him. I haven’t talked to him since he left. I miss him so much and it hasn’t even been a full day. I just need to stop thinking. This is too much for me to handle in one day.  I don’t even know what time it is. I look over at the next to by bed.

 

 

 

I can’t stay up any longer. I just want to sleep. Tomorrow is mine and Aria’s friend-iversary anyway. I don’t want to be tired for that. I know if I stay up any later, I’m just going to have another breakdown.  I turn off my light and crawl into bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep.