Chapter 7: Is She Ever Going to Forgive me?

The next days are a blur and I’m standing in the airport saying goodbye to Ethan. This is so hard to do. He’s only going away for a month, but I feel like I’m losing him forever. If I was a fly, I would be dead by the time he came back. Aria promised that she’ll spend as much time as possible with me, but I don’t think she will. She’s gotten so close to Nate. She’ll probably ditch me for him; just like in third grade when she found out Billy Zimmerman liked her back. She spent every recess with him and I was left to play house alone. Sometimes she goes boy crazy and forgets about me. It passes eventually, but it feels like it takes forever.

 

“Kendall, are you going to be okay while I’m gone?”

 

I don’t think so, but I don’t want him to worry.

 

“I’ll be fine. It’s just hard.”

 

“I know it is, but this isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you again. The time will fly by. Besides, you still have Aria and I’m sure Spencer will want to do something with you.”

 

“I guess Aria and I have out friend-iversary, and Spencer has been talking about taking me to the zoo.”

 

“See, you’ll be fine. Just don’t forget about me, beautiful.”

 

I force a laugh. It’s time for him to board his plane. We finish saying goodbye and I watch him walk away towards his gate. I tear rolls down my cheek as I walk out of the airport. Ethan’s parents arranged a ride home for me so I don’t have to take a taxi.

 

****

 

The ride home feels a lot longer. I stare out the window and try to hold in my cries. I already miss him. How am I going to get through? I feel like time is passing in slow motion. I didn’t realize how long I’ve been in the car for and I’m almost home. Spencer won’t be home until 3:30. It’s only 12. I have to survive on my own for three and a half hours. I can do this. Maybe. I pass my school. 5 minutes. 5 minutes and I’ll be home. 4 minutes. I can feel my heart beat faster. It’s okay. It’s only a month. 3 minutes. 30 days. Only 2,592,000 seconds. If I try my hardest, I can do it. 2 minutes. I can’t do it. My palms are sweaty and I’m starting to shake. Why can’t I do this? Why does it have to be so hard? 1 minute. Calm down. Just go to your room, put on some music and block out the world. I can still talk to him. Yes, it will be harder because he’s in a totally different time zone, but that’s okay. I’ll stay up later. I can see my house now. Mom’s car is in the driveway. I take a deep breath. The driver stops the car and opens my door. I step out and thank him. I take my time walking to the front door.  There’s 15 feet between me and my family. 15 feet between me and my guilt. 15 feet between me and my struggle. I can do this. I begin to walk. I can do this. 11 feet. I can do this. Breathe. 5 feet. Stop shaking. 1 foot. I grab my key. 0 feet. I unlock the door and walk in. I see my mom on the couch watching TV. I want to be able to greet her, but I don’t say anything. She looks over at me when I shut the door. Oh no. I’ve done something wrong. She turns off the TV and slowly stand up.

“Oh look who's back! Thank you for gracing everyone with your presence, your highness!”

 

I don’t know how to reply to that, so I walk towards the stairs.

 

“I don’t think so, missy. Where do you think you’re going? There are dishes that need to be done and clothes that need to be washed.”

 

“They aren’t mine.”

 

I don’t even dare raising my voice. I try to stay as quiet and innocent as possible.

 

“Do I look like I care? I’m sick of seeing dirty dishes everywhere and I don’t have any clean clothes. Stop slacking and do your part or you can move in with your silly little boyfriend.”

 

“I can’t. He went away for a month.”

 

“Do I look like I care? Now go.”

 

I walk away quickly before she can say anything else. I should have expected this. She has no nice bone in her body anymore. I wish I had the nerve to stand up to her, but I don’t. She used to be so nice. WE used to be so close. When I was younger I used to sit in the shopping cart while she shopped for groceries. It was our thing. Now, it feels like there's a wall between us. A very sturdy, well made wall that`s impossible to break down. My best option now is to do what she tells me to and stay out of trouble. I run up to my room and drop off my bag as quickly as possible. I grab my mother's basket of dirty clothes and head down to the basement. I silently sort her clothes, put them in the wash, and then promptly start on the dishes while her clothes tumble around in the cold water and suds.

 

****

 

3 hours later, my mother`s clothes are folded as neatly as possible and the dishes are sparkling. My brother should be home any minute now. I'm so desperate for any scrap of love I can get. While I wait, I pace around my room. After what feels like forever, I hear the front door open and footsteps coming up the stairs. I eagerly throw open my door, expecting to see Spencer, but instead I`m facing Nikki and some random guy I`ve never seen before. This one is skinny with bright red curls on his head.

 

“What the f**k are you looking at?” my sister snaps at me.

 

I go bright red and shut my door again. I feel so stupid. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m ashamed. I didn’t stand up for myself again. I let a demon in my life take over. I sit down on my bed and stare blankly. For the first time in weeks, I feel nothing. I’m past the point of sad. I’ve been taken over by the emptiness. I’m the shell of a person. I’m snapped out of my blank stares when I hear a knock on my door. I slowly stand up to open the door. One the other side is Spencer. He’s standing there with a big smile on his face and two tickets to a special screening of The Wizard of Oz. We used to watch it together all the time as kids. He forces one of the tickets into my hands and tells me we are leaving in an hour. The screening is an hour away and he wants to take me to dinner first. Still in shock, I close my door and start getting ready. I struggle to find something to wear. I have to hide my cuts from him, but it’s too hot to wear long sleeves. It takes me a while to make a decision. Finally I decide on a deep purple dress with lace sleeves. The lace shouldn’t be too warm and it will cover my arms. I throw on a pair of nude coloured heels and grab my bag. Perfect timing, Spencer is outside my door waiting. He’s holding different coloured ties. I give him a quizzical look.

 

“I wanted to match with what you’re wearing, but I didn’t know what you were going to wear.”

 

I take a tie that almost matches my dress perfectly and tie it around his neck. Dad taught me how to tie a tie when I was four years old and every time he needed his tie tied, he would call my name and I would come running to help him.

 

“Ready, Kendall?”

 

“Yes, I am. Thank you for this. It must have cost you a fortune.”

 

“Don’t worry about how much it costs. Just have a good time. You deserve it. Sis. Tonight is going to be unforgettable.”