Chapter 5: Is anyone going to remember me?

 Half a bottle of vodka later and we’re all laughing on the floor. This is my first time drunk. Aria’s been drunk once before. The boys; two or three times. As I excepted, Aria and Nate pushed the beds together.

 

“I’m going to go grab a pop. Do any of you guys want anything? Aria? Ethan? Nate?”

 

No reply. Thanks guys. I go into the kitchen and grab a can of Coke Cola from the fridge. When I’m about to open it, Ethan sneaks up behind me, picks me up, and spins me around. I start screaming for him to put me down and he finally does. I put the can down and open it. It sprays all over me.

 

“Ahhh!! Gross! Now I’m all sticky!”

 

I can hear Aria and Nate laughing at me from the other room.

 

“Babe, you might want to go shower.”

 

I agree with him. I’m pretty gross. I excuse myself and turn on the water in Aria’s shower. I step in, ignoring the water temperature. I grab the soap and wash the pop off me. Wow, it’s really hot in here. Are the walls getting closer together? I can’t breathe. There’s no air. Panic. Panic. Panic. I need to get out. Turn off the water. I turn off the water and get out. My legs are weak and I fall. I land with a thud and I hear Ethan come running. The bathrobe I use when I’m here is hanging on the door. I pull it down and put it on.

 

“Kendall, is everything okay?”

 

I can’t talk. I knock on the door and he comes in. He sits down with me, ignoring the sopping wet floor. We go through our usual routine. This has never happened here before. He carries me out of the bathroom and puts me on Aria’s bed.

 

“I’ll be right back. You’re okay.”

 

 I nod and he leaves the room. I can hear him whispering to Aria. It feels like he’s been gone forever. What if he’s leaving for Italy now? What if he doesn’t come back? My breathing becomes shallow. I feel light headed. The room is spinning. I feel like I’m going to puke. It passes. Where is he? Is he still out there? I can hear him walking. Finally, he’s back. He brought me a peanut butter sandwich and Ginger Ale. He tells me to eat it all. I do. He tells me to drink. I drink. I don’t talk. I’m not strong enough yet. My breathing should be normal by now, but it’s not. What do I do?

 

“Beautiful, you need sleep. Go to bed. I’ll be right here. Go the bed. I won’t leave you. It’s okay.”

 

I nod and close my eyes. I believe him.

 

****

 

I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking. I look at the clock;

I look over, Ethan is fast asleep. I need a drink. I get up and walk to the kitchen. I pass Aria and Nate. They’re passed out on their bed. I grab a cup and fill it with water. I’m not tired so I walk out onto the balcony. Aria lives on a hill that looks over the city. It’s dark, but you can see the lights in the city. I sit down on the chair outside and stare at the lights. Dad used to wake me up in the middle of the night and we would drive around town to see the lights. Some seem to twinkle, like stars. It’s calming seeing the city so still. Like no one lives her. Sometimes you see a car and you can’t help but wonder why they’re up at this time. A businessman leaving for a trip to New York. A man that works the nightshift to support his family. A pregnant woman rushing to the hospital to bring her precious baby into the world. I sit and I stare. I sit and I wonder. I sit and I imagine. You can see the stars from here.  A million galaxies away and shining brighter than any light could. An alien could be looking at me through a high-power telescope. I give a small wave, just in case. A town that looks to be asleep. A town I know is not asleep. Somewhere there’s someone lost in their head. Debating life verses death. Who will care? Who cares now? Does anyone? Am I alone? If my cries are loud enough will someone save me? If I die tonight, will the stars hold my memory? The world will still spin. Life will go on for everyone else. I stand up and walk to the edge. There’s a railing in the way, but I lean forward against it. I could jump. If I do, will the stars hold MY memory? When someone looks up at the night sky, will they think of me? No, I can’t do this. Not now. I step back from the edge and go inside. It’s dark, but I know my way around. I wander through the house. Why did I wake up shaking? Why was I sweating? What happened in my dream? Maybe Ethan is awake. I’ll go check. I walk back to Aria’s room. I sit on the bed and stare at Ethan. He’s so handsome. My very own Prince Charming. He saved me. I think. I reach out and stroke his hair. So warm. He shifts his weight around and groans.

 

“Kendall?”

 

“Yes, Ethan?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Silence. That’s my queue. I crawl back into bed and cuddle up next to him like I’ve done so many times. I’m going to miss him.

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