Chapter 1: Is this really my life?

Why does this have to be my life? Day in and day out, I'm stuck in my head. I'm stuck in a dark hole I can’t climb out of. Like falling down a well, except Lassie isn't going to send for help. What happened to high school being the best four years of your life? This isn't what happened in High School Musical. No one stops a basketball game to break out in a perfectly timed, unpracticed, seemingly choreographed dance number and the musical theater kids aren’t cool. Glee didn't even prepare me for this. It’s not the work load that gets to me. And I don't think high school is to blame. It’s the people. There’s something about being in the same building with people that can drive, but are not adults yet that changes people. The quiet girl with braided hair and glasses from grade 8 is suddenly dancing on tables at parties, getting drunk, or high, or both. I guess I've changed too, although, I'm not dancing on tables at parties. I don't know how exactly I’ve changed, but I think I have. Maybe it’s because of Ethan. He’s not my first serious boyfriend, but he’s a hell of a lot better than Tyler was. Don't get me wrong, Ethan hasn't changed everything about me. There are still parts of me that I want to go, but they stick to me like leeches. He has helped me, though. In any way he’s been able to.  He and Aria both have helped me. I don't think Aria changed me this year. I have known her since the 2^nd grade, so I think any changing she’s going to do with me have been done for a long time. She knows everything about me; she just doesn't know bad things can be for me sometimes. It’s not because she doesn't care, it’s because I don't think she'll benefit from knowing. Why would I want to make my best friend worry about me? The last thing I want is for her to not be able to sleep because she can't get the image of me holding a razor to my wrist out of her head. Ethan knows, though; I didn't have to tell him, he saw. I told him everything without saying a word. Ever since he found out, he’s been a lot of help. When things are worse than usual at home, his family lets me stay at their house. They have a big house with a lot of rooms. You could probably fit a hundred of my house in theirs. It’s not very hard to do that since my house can barely hold me, my brother, my sister and my mother. It was even harder before my dad died. My mother blames me for his death and I think my sister does too, but she won't admit it. It probably is my fault. If I hadn’t asked to go to a party 2 years ago, my parents wouldn't have gotten into a fight. He wouldn't have left and he wouldn't have gotten hit by a car. It is my fault, isn't it?

“Kendall, snap out of it!” Aria’s snapping in my face. I'm at her place watching The Fashion Races.

“Oh sorry… I totally zoned out.”

“You know it freaks me out when you do that. You look like a zombie!”

“I know. I’m sorry”

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and see that Ethan texted me.

“Hey, where are you? I thought you were coming over at 2.”

“Oh shoot! I totally forgot that I'm supposed to go to Ethan’s at 2 today to study for our exam tomorrow.”

I look down at the time, it's 2:30.

“Oh my God. I'm so late. I have to go. I'll see you before our exam tomorrow. Bye, Aria.”

I grab my phone and bag, and walk out of her house. I hear her call out her usual goodbye as I'm closing the door “Bye, girl! Love you, boo!”

I send a quick text to Ethan saying that it totally slipped my mind and I'm going to take the next bus to his place.

 

****

 

25 minutes later, I'm knocking on his door making me 55 minutes late. The second he opens the door, I wrap my arms around his next and spit out several apologies and future promises.

“Babe, it’s okay. I'm not mad. Calm down, please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I promise,” We walk into his kitchen and sit down at the island. There’s a stack of papers, some pencils and a textbook already on the counter.

“Oh thank God. I was at Aria’s and I totally zoned out again. Each time it happens, it lasts longer than the last time. Do you think I should be worried?”

“How bad are they?”

“They're getting worse. Do you think what happened to my dad was my fault? I mean, my mom already blames me and Nikki probably does too.”

He turns his head quickly to look at me. He wraps his arms around me. We've had this conversation many times before. He knows I'm about to cry. He knows before I do.

He whispers, sternly “Never say that again. You know it’s not your fault. You didn't tell him to leave. You weren't in the other car. It’s not your fault, baby. No one blames you.”

I nod my head and pull my books out of my bag. I don't want to talk about this anymore and we have our first exam tomorrow. I can’t fail this one. If I don't do well on this exam, then I have to go to summer school. I remember when I used to do well in school. Ever since Dad’s accident, my grades have been going down, slowly, but surely. Ethan’s a year older, but he does well in school, so his focus is me passing. I tried to fight him on this, his grades should be more important to him than mine are, but he stood his ground and I gave up. I didn't want to fight with him anymore. It takes too much out of me to argue with him. With anyone really.

“Ready to ace this b***h, beautiful?”

I chuckle and shove him lightly.

 

****

 

We both give up after an hour and a half. I was ready to give up after 5 minutes, but Ethan wouldn't let me. He kept saying if I toughed it out for an hour then he would make me cookies while I watched TV. Technically, we went over an hour, but really, half an hour of that time was me asking him how much longer we had to do this.

“Since you survived the hour-“

“It was actually an hour and a half, but whatever.”

“Since you survived the hour and a half, go watch some TV and I’ll make you cookies. Does that sound good?”

“Sounds better than studying.”

He laughs; I walk over to the couch and flop down. When I turn on the TV, the movie Cyberbully is playing. I recognize it almost immediately. I don't have good memories of this movie. Once in health class, my teacher made us watch this as part of the bullying unit and it hit a little too close to home for me. I remember running out of the class room crying and locking myself in a stall in the bathroom. I spent the rest of the period crying. Of course, by the end of the day, everyone in the 9^th grade and even some 10^th graders, like Ethan. Tyler and Charlotte heard too. And like usual, they made my life a living hell.

 

 They haven't said anything to me in a week. I just know they're planning something awful. They always do. Last time, they pushed me on the stairs and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital a day later. They told the principle it was an accident. They said I wasn't looking where I was going and I walked into them. First Tyler verbally abuses me because he’s mad that his parents died, then he cheats on me, and now I have to be bullied by him and his new girlfriend.

 

“Kendall, are you okay? You're crying! Why are you watching this awful movie?” Ethan comes running over to me and turns off the TV. I touch my face and it’s wet. I must have started crying while I was lost in thought. That happens a lot. I don't even realize anymore.

 

“I’m fine.” I shrug him off. I don't like people seeing me like this. Ethan shouldn't have to put up with me. I'm always crying. I can see him hurt for me. He knows everything that happens to be. He wants me to be happy. I wish I could happy for him. I know it’s hard for him and he’s trying his best for me. One day we won't have to jump over these hurdles anymore and we can both be happy. Hopefully.

 

“Babe, the cookies are done. I'll go get you some. Just sit tight and I'll be right back,” Ethan tells me, kissing me on the cheek before he walks out of the room.

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