just another vampire story!

there was a certen aura when he walked in the room whether it was fear or hatred, well none of us knew.  He was the strongest of his kind, in my eyes at least.  I wished I could be one of the many that swarmed in that house.  But he made me promise to stop asking. "You don't want to endure this pain or face the curse we face everyday."

     Although the words never once left my lips after that. I still wanted it, most humans do you know; IMORTALITY. When you want something so long it turns into greed.  I'm not sure if it was greed  or lust that made me want it so bad.

  Still I never once dared to ask again in his presence.  For I promised, and what good is a simple human if they cant even keep a promis?  Then one day he asked me.  My eyes lit up with passion.  Did I want it?  Did I really think I was ready for this?  The only word that came from my forsaken lips was "yes."  I'm still not sure how but I said it with such calmness.  As if I knew what the pain was like.

      Then it happened befor i knew it I could feel his lips close to mine as if to kiss me, but he dident.  He bit me. I felt his sharp fangs draw the blood from my throat. Then his venom race throw my veins.  I could feel the life drain and, I knew he resented doing it.

  And this my friends is were my story begins 800 years later!

Reviews

[Whitney Traylor]

how you touch me. take caution in spelling but other than that, you really got to me. i could feel his breath!

[Story Keeper]

There were a lot of mistakes, as if you typed this in a hurry without doing spell check. I always spell check and still don't catch everything. I can tell you have a solid idea in your mind for where you want this story to go, but just aren't getting it completely through to the reader. Perhaps because it is so short. I couldn't write a short story to save my life. There is so much to say, I couldn't imagine squeezing it into so short a space. I don't envy you that. It has potential. Keep writing. :)

[Lady Alyria]

First this needs to be proofread. I think a lot of the mistakes would have been caught even if you ran a spell check in Microsoft Word. Secondly, while its okay to do "just another vampire" story, something about your story has to be different to make it worth reading. This part looks like its the background on the main character. It at least tells us how she became a vampire. But we need more. A lot about what kind of vampire you are comes from what kind of human you were.

[Mark A. Mihalko]

Good start, it seems to like there is a longer story waiting to be told. Keep going with it and I think it can be a very good write. I really like the premise, but agree, watch your grammar and spelling. People on here will be tremendously harsh. Gook luck and keep writing!

[Chillbear Latrigue]

I think the name of your story implies that you know just how common these things are. However, I think you have good potential in your writing. A word of advice. When you put out a sample like this, proofread your work or have a friend do it. The writers in the cafe are a kind and benevolent bunch, but will not review author's that continuously post error ridden work. Other than that, I think this has potential.

[[untitled]]

This is a good start! I wished there was a little more information given, like why was she with the vampires. I hope you write more. This is a really good start!