A Whisper Within

Off the cobblestone pieces of Ireland a love grew deeply between us...let me in my beautiful King. Show me Tir na nOg.

Can you see me? A whisper within. I dream of you often, but I think you are too high to me. You pull asunder, with anger you grasp. Like sand in a hand, let the breeze wisp it by. Don't hit me for a memory undone. I crave your passion and being, our love of non-perfection. I indulge in the train you follow. Upon the cobblestone roads of Dublin I have found my purpose and I can finally see beyond the fog. The mist is cleared because of you. It's as if a love song for no one has been answered. Primary all over again. Our destiny awaits....just as the bird follows its flock, we take a chance among many with a special love known only to us. Will you stay? Do you feel me?

REVISED:

Can you see me? A whisper within. I dream of you often, but I think you are too full of bottled anger and drunken lullabies for me to see you true self. You pull asunder, with anger you grasp. Like sand in through an hourglass, i have let the breeze wisp it by. Don't hit me for a memory undone. I crave your passion and being, our love of non-perfection. I indulge in the train you follow. Upon the cobblestone roads of Dublin I have found my purpose and I can finally see beyond the fog. The mist is cleared because of you. It's as if a love song for no one has been answered. Will we start all over again? Our destiny awaits....just as the bird follows its flock, we take a chance among many with a special love known only to us. Will you stay? Do you feel me?

Author's Note

I hope this wasn't too long for a prose poem. What are your thoughts? Should I add or make a sequel to this poem?

Reviews

[Gabi Celaya]

Ah....tir na nOg....land of youth, right? My Irish mythology is a bit rusty, I'm afraid, but didn't anyone who wanted to get there need either an invitation from someone already there or a guide to lead them? I'm guessing the point is that your SO in this poem is your guide, but then you say at the end "Will you stay?", which is slightly puzzling. I'm not saying it's bad, though, it's like Frost with "The Road Not Taken" and the two possible interpretations. Here you make me wonder whether you're secretly deciding not to take the journey. The line "our love of non-perfection" seems to help with this interpretation.

"bottled anger and drunken lullabies for me to see you true self." That's a huge improvement on the previous draft. It's much more concrete.
"Like sand in through an hourglass," I'm not sure about this, it's almost right, but not quite there. To my ear, you need either another syllable between "sand" and "in" or else something that denotes a pause. You see what I mean? It's like there's a beat missing, not silent, but missing.
There's a typo after that, btw, should be capitalized "I"
"Upon the cobblestone roads of Dublin I have found my purpose and I can finally see beyond the fog." This sentence is long, not too long but difficult to get out in a single breath. If you haven't already read this out loud, then do so. Then decide whether you prefer the restlessness and anxiety of keeping it as it is, or would rather stick a comma or dash somewhere between two of the clauses and slow it down a bit.
Nota bene: elipses only use three full stops, not four.

[yellowsparrow]

I really like this, especially the last two lines/questions. I'd love reading a sequel!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

It's certainly not too long. But I would like to give you some insight here into what "prose" is. Prose is the common speaking language of ordinary, everyday people. So when you are writing prose, ask yourself, Is this the way I talk? Would you actually SAY these words to someone? Because THAT is the definition of "prose". I'll leave you with that thought. It's a very nice piece.

[Gabi Celaya]

Not too long, I shouldn't think. I don't see why it would be, it's only-what? a hundred and twenty or thirty words?
A few thoughts:
"Like sand in a hand" this seems like a nursery rhyme, a bit out of place in such a passionate poem. I would say that because it's prose, you're free to opt out of such a simple line and maybe throw another word in there to break up the pounding rhyming of "sand" and "hand".
"Primary all over again." I'm not sure what you mean by "primary", if you're using it with the meaning of kindergarten, then once again this is something that seems slightly out of place. If nothing else, it's too much of an Americanism for what I took to be a very Irish poem. On the other hand, if you're using it with the meaning of first, then it's a bit vague as I can't really guess at what first this might be.
"we take a chance among many/with a special love known only to us" I like where this line has cut off, it separates the two clauses like punctuation would do, but in a fresher way. I don't know whether that was intentional on your part or not but I like it nonetheless! If you make any edits to the rest of the poem, I suggest that you format it so that this line-break remains where it is.