The Walk

This is a story about dating and its close relative: silliness.

I had been at university for six months and I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. I was passing in terms of academics, but I was failing when it came to the ladies. It seemed I was the only single person on campus, and my roommate seemed to have a new lady every day of the week. Even though my roommate was kind of a player, I thought maybe he could give me some tips, because he seemed to have some skill in that area, and I was very desperate.

"Josh," I said. "What's up my little brother?" my roommate replied. I explained my situation: how I had not had any dates since I arrived on campus, and also how I could not focus on my studies because my mind was on the study of love. After carefully listening to my situation, he offered some advice: "Look, girls want someone with attitude; they do not care how good your grades are, or whether or not you can do calculus." "How can I show the girls that I have this attitude?" I responded. He then, unexpectedly, walked across the room slowly, swaying his bottom from side to side. "What in the name of all that is good and pure was that?" I asked. He told me that this was the walk he used when he approached the ladies to show them he had attitude. I thanked him for the advice and left the room.

That night I decided to go to the campus pub. My thinking was that most of the single people would be going to the pub, so this was my best chance to meet some ladies. At first I played some pool with some nice women, but halfway through the game one of them mentioned they had boyfriends, so I decided to move on. Next I hit the dance floor. This did not go well because I am not the best dancer. My lack of rhythm must have showed because most of the ladies moved away from me to the other side of the floor. Despite the embarrassment, I continued to dance for a couple hours, letting the music speak to my soul--if not my body. I then realized the night was winding down and I was running out of time.

I decided it was time to try the signature move my roommate taught me, "the walk." I spotted a pretty woman sitting alone at the bar and began my approach. As I walked across the room, shaking my hips, my confidence began to grow because many people were watching me move, including the woman I was approaching. I stopped right in front of her, but before I could get a word out, she spoke. "Are you drunk?" she asked. I shook my head, feeling a little silly. I explained to her that my roommate gave me some bad advice, and then the two of us had a nice laugh together.

The woman from the pub is now my girlfriend.

 

Reviews

[Unpeeled_Banana]

This is a nice story, but what is the meaning behind it? I thought the genre was coming-of-age, then romance, then comedy, but none of them seemed to fit.

You have a good structure for this story. Guy wants a girlfriend. Guy makes change to try to get a girlfriend [roommate advice]. Guy fails twice in pursuit [talking to women, dancing]. When all hope is nearly lost [night winding down] guy manages to snag girlfriend.

This structure is the root structure for most stories, but there is no eye-catching meat in here. I read it an thought to myself at the end, "So what?" Because, this story is missing stakes. There is nothing at stake here. The audience can't sympathize with this character because he is too basic.

It would help to add more conversation with him and his friend that goes deeper into the context of relationships from an angle we have not seen before. Also, it would benefit this story to include more conversation between him and the women.

Show us what is happening rather than telling us.

[Braden Freeman]

That is good advice. I actually thought some of those thoughts you had as well. I have not written many stories, so it is always good to learn from people with experience in that area. Thanks for reading.

[PANDORA]

I think for a short story you kept well within the lines of keeping it simple. You did not over-describe, which made it easy for me to read.

I liked the story. Thanks for the read.

p.s. I disagree with the story not having "meat." You have just enough to capture the readers curiosity from beginning to end.

[Samuel Dickens]

Haaaa! Braden, you sound a lot like me. I always sucked at getting the girls, even though they were forever on my mind. Like you, I thought the guys who always got the girls were just ridiculous with their swagger and stupid stunts. Now I know that if I'd acted like one of the three Stooges, my '54 Ford wouldn't have held them all. This is a great little story, and I'm still grinning.

[Braden Freeman]

I am glad the story brought a smile to your face. I really sucked at getting girls when I was younger. I have improved somewhat in this area--even without adopting the swagger.

[Botania]

Enjoyable. This worked?! Fun to know what guys think. Thanks a ton for sharing.