This Note is Legal Tender For All Debts, Publics and Private (Series 2007)

Snow was never my scene

The cold always ate at my sensitive and tender nose

Shivering uncontrollably on those dark winter nights.

 

Bloody noses from hitting a pile too fast.

Watching my friends fall in.

They say they just overdosed on too much happy

but I know that is never the case.

 

The clouds just stole my last bit of sun.

It's okay I will be awake for hours.

Spitting a million words per second.

Why aren't I saying anything?

 

Yellow lines, next to white lines.

I keep swerving.

On nauseating glass tables.

How's that for repeitition?

If speading is part of crashing

why haven't I gone anywhere?

 

 

Reviews

[Wanderlust]

The first two lines of this poem are interesting in the imagery they produce - I like them a lot. In a way I can't fully describe at the moment, I can relate to this, in my own way I gather a theme of detachment and confusion. Nice. :)

[BoundbyInk]

Thank you for your honest opinion. I will look into making some changes, lookingb back I agree with a lot of what you said.

[Alysa Salzberg]

I think this poem is really interesting, and has some great moments. To give an honest critique, there are a few things I don't like, though. I think the repitition of "nose" in lines 2 and 4 doesn't seem deliberate -- it might be nicer to try to find an alternate word or expression for one of them. I also think "pile", and further down, the "glass tables", are a little vague. It is poetry, of course, so you don't have to, like, explain everything as you would in an essay, but since this poem relies on your imagery and impressions, could you maybe elaborate on these ideas, or just use them as similies? I also am not a fan of "spitting." This is entirely your choice, of course, and it's your voice, and I can't and don't want to change it, but I feel like compared to the rest of the language in this piece, "spitting" just doesn't fit, it seems too street (not that I have anything against that - I love slang and the like, just when it feels right). Again, though, a lot of these things are all about you and your word choice, and this is your poem. Overall I think it's easy to get a feeling of life and movement from it, and that's already a very good thing, so I did indeed enjoy reading.