The Man Who Destroyed Me.

You are what nightmares are made of, masked by a broken soul. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep as my heart begged to stop beating. My heart cried for the piece that it was longing for, but it left without a warning. How can you live with half a heart? The darkness took over me. The emptiness consumed my entire life, my soul, my identity. I lost myself because the love of my life slipped through my fingers like sand. I was no longer a person, just a shell trying to get through this thing called life; my quiet hell.

My emotions came in waves and slowly took me under the surface. I was drowning and you didn’t come to save me. I couldn’t breath, but you used my corpse to keep you afloat. I was your crutch; your support until you were able to walk once more. Though despite it all, I loved the f**k out of you.

The pain became extremely unbearable. I never felt such pain until you pulled my heart from my insides and threw it to the ground. You drove me to the point of insanity. My mental state became crippling that my only thought was death. I wanted to die. Actually, I needed to die because I thought my existence meant nothing to anyone. I drove myself to the pits of hell wondering what was so wrong with me that I could and never will be, good enough for you.

I had to re-arrange my life around the memories you left me with. It seemed that everything was a trigger, though. I refused to watch the television shows we watched together or any of the songs you got me to adore. I avoided certain locations, but the one place I could not avoid was my bedroom. Often, I found myself laying on your side of the bed, wishing that you would magically appear there. It was the only way I could fall asleep for almost a year.

I thought I would have peace in my sleep..but I dreamed of you every night. I would wake up in tears when reality sank back in. I became emotionally exhausted. You consumed my entire f*****g life that I just accepted you would haunt me, forever.

I was a prisoner of you. The chains were unbreakable. I fought, but the demons won. The only relief I felt was when I watched the blood coat my pale flesh. The razor was my best friend and I became an addict of its painful kisses. Cut after cut, scar after scar; yet it was never enough to take the pain away. The cuts got deeper, more frequent and overall, worse. I would cut until I felt satisfied, not realizing that I did a hundred or more cuts in one sitting.

Now, I am a masterpiece of your abuse. Every scar carved into my flesh speaks a story. Cutting became the thing I turned to in any situation, which eventually shut me out from the world. I pushed my close friends away because I thought they would abandon me. I buried my pain internally, feeling it slowly eat my insides.

Cutting wasn’t enough. Burning wasn’t enough. Injecting needles into my skin wasn’t enough. Nothing took the pain away anymore. The voices in my head were getting to be too much; they wanted me dead. I planned my suicide, but I had to find the courage to go threw with it. I was tired of being numb from pain, yet feeling everything all at once. I was tired of the breakdowns, the relapses, the fact that I constantly let people down because my mind was my worse enemy.

Life would be better without me, I constantly said. I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. I wouldn’t be this f**k up that somehow got created over one terrible event. My depression makes me an entirely different person and I was scared for my own safety at a point in my life. The suicidal thoughts were racing constantly. Nobody knew about my masterpiece. Things had got so bad for me that I considered admitting myself into a hospital, just so I wouldn’t be able to harm myself or even others.

You still are on my mind. I still miss the f**k out of you. I still miss the beautiful moments we had and even the not so good ones. I just wish you loved me the way I loved you. I wish you saw the beauty in me like I did you. You were perfect to me and I hope someday you realize that you destroyed the woman who tried to build you up and show you what unconditional love felt like. Maybe one day, the future will be in our favor.

Sincerely, Bonnie

Reviews

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Wow that was really, really, really deep. I feel your pain Bonnie.

[bonnie.casanova]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

No problem. :)