Thoughts and Words

(1)Brick face, brick eyes, brick mouth, brick body. 

(1a)“It’s like talking to a brick wall when I’m with you.”

(2)It’s f-----g tiring.

(2a)“Can you say something?”

(3)Just say something, I miss your voice.

(3a)“Don’t be so cold.”

(4)When was the last time we kissed?

(4a)“Come here.”

(5)Why can’t you just hear my thoughts?

(5a)“God damn it, Grace, come here.”

(6)I thought there would still be sparks when we touched.

(6a)“Nothing?

(7)I was surprised, but then again not, at the same time.

(7a)“I’m sorry.”

(8a)“It’s freezing in here.”

(9a)“See you later, I guess.”

(1)Cold face, cold eyes, cold mouth, cold body. 

(2)Because brick walls don’t have feelings, so they can’t hurt. 

(2a)“What.”

(3)He’s always trying to get me to talk.

(3a)“This house is cold.”

(4)It’s always been cold. Never so warm with the head of love. 

(4a)“No.”

(5)I miss warmth.

(5a)“I’m tired.”

(6)Even his skin is ice cold.

(6a)“Nothing.”

(7)I wasn’t expecting fireworks but suddenly, I found myself hoping. 

(8)I could use some warmth from someone.

Author's Note

Okay, so yes, I do realize that this makes NO sense what so ever, so stick with me while I try to explain this to y’all. So, I guess, this is kind of taking a post-modernism feel? My vision for this is that this man and woman are having this conversation and you’re seeing both sides. I guess it’s kind of a 1st person story because you’re getting it from their point of view, but then you also hear the other persons thoughts… anyway, let me try and decipher this for y’all.

So, the 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. stand for their thoughts, and the 1a, 2a, 3a, 4a, etc. stand for the dialogue that’s actually being said. I made it like this so that each number, or number/letter pair, has an according (is that the right word?!) line in the other paragraph. It’s meant to be read like you read the first line of the first paragraph (the man’s thoughts/dialogue), and then you go down to the second paragraph (the woman’s thoughts/dialogue). I guess, that more applies to the actual dialogue, than the thoughts, because they obviously can’t hear what each other are thinking. Does that make any sense?

Anyways, if y’all can think of any other way I can make it more obvious without having the numbers there, please tell me because I really hate the numbers. Also, I am having some trouble with figuring out the right thing to say for the woman’s last line (her 8).
I actually really like this idea, I just want to make sure it’s coming across the way it should, or the way I’m thinking it should, so feel free to ask any questions, or make suggestions! Thank y’all so much for reading, reviewing, and sticking with me and have a happy almost spring break :)

Reviews

[Craig2591]

Okay, I re-read it following your instructions and it makes more sense. It's a relationship on the skids and neither one seems to want to work at fixing it. At least that's my take.

It definitely needs some work to make it more cohesive, but I have no idea how to do it. I like the idea, though. It's good to challenge yourself with something this complicated. Keep working at it, it's worth fixing.

[K.]

Yes, that's what I was seeing! And do you see my dilemma? haha. It DOES need fixing (badly!), but as you said, I have no idea how to do it either. I will keep working on it, thank you Craig!

[Becky]

I liked each poem separately, but it was confusing when I tried to put the dialogue together, even with the directions. My suggestion would be to either put the dialogues together and the thoughts together or each person's thoughts and dialogue together and make it a two part thing. Not necessarily two works, but a stanza for each chunk.

For the last line, perhaps something showing how long it's been since the narrator felt warm--I can't think of an example though.

Yeah, that's my suggestion. I agree with Craig2591; it's definitely worth working with. The words are there, just maybe a somewhat more traditional format? Confusing as the numbers were, it still had an emotional effect.

[K.]

Thank you for reading and reviewing and dealing with those complications, first of all. I tried to make them both two poems that you could read separately, and together, and it would still have the same, or similar, effect, and now I know that obviously still needs to be worked on, thank you for pointing that out! I will work on changing that line 8, thanks for that input as well. Thank you once again, and I will keep working on!