Daughter of a narcissist

"off with her head !"

The unhappy child was down to you mum,

for i was a painful extention of you,

the happy adult now is all mine

don`t take credit for what isnt due,
.
 
Belittled,scape goated and tossed to one side,
a mat for the dirt on your shoes..
this is the legacy you once gave to me
but now i refused  to be used

 

You happily sat without a care in the world

as you played and messed with my mind

when i questioned your motives and asked you, why?

you  replied..` i wouldn`t be so unkind!`

 

`It is you,not i ..it`s all in your head`

only you see things the way that you do,

Why would you think i would be so unkind

as to narcissistically sabortage you`

 

`It may have to do with the lack of approval,

the feeling of never being enough,

desperately seeking your pat on the head,

despeartely wanting your love`.

 

Your own feelings of failings you put on to me

your fears you  quickly made mine

so i became scared of the world and it`s gifts

and made a mess of my life over time.

 

But that was then and this is now

and time proved to tell

that you could only love me the way you knew how

as time taught me you really were`nt well.

 

For narcissism is a disorder

of the mind and of the heart

not to be able to love unconditionally

makes your world and mine miles apart

 

So now i love you from afar

to protect myself from hurt

in case the child in me raises her head

and you fill her again with dirt.

 

I know that you love me in your own way

as much as your disorder allows

but i miss the parent that i could of had

the one without venomous rows.

 

The one who would of stood by whatever i did,

accepted me for who i became

taken time to understand me

smiled when someone mentioned my name.

 

From a woman to a woman i forgive you

from a mum to a mum ,maybe one day

but you are who you are and i am who i am

and that`s the way it should stay.

 

I can now hold my head high and approve of myself

because i am not the mother you were,

Without question my children come first in my life

and are now strong women of the world.

 

                     <3

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

My mother always felt detached from me,never spontaniously hugging,would never say she loved me,would tut at my sheer presence at times which left me with a sense of worthlessness....my mother suffers with narcissism,how could she love me more when i ranked fairly low on here list of priorities....to sum this up,i truly believed that i was in competion for my mother`s affection with the expensive chocolates hidden in my mother`s bedside table ..i always fell short of my mother`s love.The positive that came from that ,was it was the best example of how not to be a mother. My girls are strong in the knowing that they are held in life,that my heart has room for them all <3

Reviews

[Muse]

For narcissism is a disorder
of the mind and of the heart
not to be able to love unconditionally
makes your world and mine miles apart



So now i love you from afar
to protect myself from hurt
in case the child in me raises her head
and you fill her again with dirt.


ache..this poem hits close to home. I grew up with a Mother that was very much like this. And now...because I don't measure up..I am a black sheep in the family. My two kids are the only grandkids she has...yet she acts like the two hours of driving that separates us is actually 10 hours apart.

Call it self-righteousness "narcissist"...she knows not what she does by being so narrow minded and judgemental with higher than life expectations.

I am now wearing the shoes of being a "mother" and I must be an example...by showing unconditional love and forgiving her for she see's not what she does...nor does she even understand.

[katriver]

Thank you for sharing and I feel your ache.

My mother has 3 beautiful grand children of which only one does she make extreme efforts to be close to. The other 2 receive Christmas and birthday presents but no input of a loving grandparent. My mother has not visited for at least 8 years so we had to go there if we were to see her.
It's now been 3 years since I have visited,life got busy ,but in that time I have not received one phone call from her and so we have not spoken. This taught me how easily my mother can let go of what she professes to love.
Time has helped me reconcile this and I no longer see it as personal...this is where my healing began.

All we can do is be the best that we can with our children and just love them.

Take care and again thank you for sharing

Kat :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Katriver

Impressed by your other poems, I thought I would come back for more.

My review.

1) Immediate impact on a first read. Raw impact: Very moving and impressive piece of writing. See further below.

2) Structure and rhyme: Thirteen stanzas of four lines each. You have a rhyming pattern of abab though you do not apply it consistently throughout. Perhaps a little thing to think about where you break your own general rule.

3) Rhythm: Although not always consistent, there is a charm here. It is easy to see where that beat is muted a little, where the some of the lines are slightly longer than others. But it odes not take away from the overall flavour of the piece.

4) Punctuation and grammar: There are some flaws but rather than mention them here, I shall convey them to you privately.

5) Use of English; Straightforward as in speech. Suits the flavour of the piece.

6) Meaning: Even had you not added the author's note (though clearly it helps) the title 'Daughter of a Narcissist and the words of the poem itself shout out the message loud and clear.

And what a profound message!

As a sufferer of a mental health disorder (bipolar disorder) and from researching the psychiatric disorders of others, I know much of 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder', in particular as defined by the American Psychiatric manual rather unhelpfully named DSM IV TR.

Without wishing to over-lengthen what is likely to prove a long review already, given my fascination, let me provide one website's description of the main personality traits of the narcissist. As follows:

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Your mother's behaviours fit well within this rubric.

What is pleasing however is that as rarely happens in any abusive childhood experience, the abused has not become the abuser. Rather you have learnt from your mother's mistakes and ensured you do not repeat the same with your own children. Therein lies a form of your own healing.

7) Favourite lines reinforcing the meaning:

First lift:

'Belittled,scape goated and tossed to one side,
a mat for the dirt on your shoes..
this is the legacy you once gave to me
but now i refused to be used'

The whole substance of the abusive mother is well expressed but also your refusal to become the same. I particularly love the first of these lines. There you need only look at the traits listed above to identify the typical behaviours.

Second lift:

You happily sat without a care in the world
as you played and messed with my mind
when i questioned your motives and asked you, why?
you replied..` i wouldn`t be so unkind!`

You show here the refusal of the narcissist to admit to their own issues and worse actually justifying them. Here also your rhyme and rhythm are word perfect, which enhances the impact.

Third lift:

`It may have to do with the lack of approval,
the feeling of never being enough,
desperately seeking your pat on the head,
despeartely wanting your love`.

The endless pain of the child wishing for their parent's love but never receiving it and in the end if not careful feeling they deserve it.

I have much difficulty with my father even still when he is 85. He s not a narcissist, but I never was able to get him to express his love for me openly, His demands were so high, though in Christian faith only. The fact that maybe I strove for his love but still never got it, by overachieving at school, university are maybe a proof of it.

I recall not too many years ago, in manic episode, screaming at the phone down to him, 'Dad just say to me the words 'I LOVE YOU, JAMES' and he couldn't!

He still hasn't to this day. Even when very ill once but undiagnosed and in a mixed mood between severe depression and mania, he told me on several occasions on phone-calls 'You are killing your mother and going to hell.'

You can see the apparent resemblance between your experience of life and mine, but for a different reason.

I, like you, hope in being abused, neither of us has become an abuser.

Forth lift:

But that was then and this is now
and time proved to tell
that you could only love me the way you knew how
as time taught me you really were`nt well.

The hint of acceptance and forgiveness in the child towards the parent that they are not well. That is a healthy reaction in recovery.

Fifth lift:

For narcissism is a disorder
of the mind and of the heart
not to be able to love unconditionally
makes your world and mine mile

Perfect recognition of the disease, perfectly expressed in rhyme and rhythm.

Sixth and last lift:

From a woman to a woman i forgive you
from a mum to a mum ,maybe one day
but you are who you are and i am who i am
and that`s the way it should stay.

The forgiveness of the survivor towards the perpetrator. The acknowledgment of the victim that she and her mother are who they are. And in that recognition you exhibit your own maturity and how you have healed even if you will always be healing.

8) Overview: A classy and impactful piece of writing, with a few flaws, which explains so eloquently the whole of the relationship between a mentally health disordered mother and her daughter.

Where I get off here is trying to build into my writing for those who do not suffer, understanding, acceptance and not rejection of the mentally ill.

There is always some reason why the disordered are ill. In the case of your mother like all personality disorders, it must usually have been the product of how she herself was brought up. That is how they arise in the first case. Abused becomes abuser.

Whist I hover around the topic of forgiving and excusing in my novel Split (a hard area for me to develop) you go right to the end of the line and as mother to daughter forgive in a way that in bringing up your own daughters you show that you are healing to healed. You have found balance.

In Split the one place I do demand forgiveness is perhaps between parent and child as you do here.

Exceptionally well written

Your friend


James Hanna-Magill

[Cassie]

So sad that you grew without that love from your mother, glad that now you are able because of your upbringing to raise your kids well. Well done, keep going. Everything happens for a reason and as you know you are now a better mother, you give your girls what your mother could not give you.

[katriver]

Hello Cassie,

Thank you for reading and for your kind words.

Kat :)

[Angi]

What a lovely flowing piece of writing. I feel your hurt, frustration and anger. You are such a good mom yourself because of the way you were raised. I always think it is cathartic to write.

[katriver]

Hello Angi,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece.

Before making peace with myself I certainly did feel the emotions you mentioned and the poem expresses the journey .

I too find writing cathartic and even the posting of it on the Cafe is part of the process.

Thank you again Angi

Kat :)

[Angi]

My pleasure, Kat.