Pick em up and lay em down

No where to go and no one to se

I pound the grey slabs,

Rain drops bouncing under my stinging feet.

I have no direction,it doesnt matter,

I'll walk until I wear a hole in one of these fuckers.

Then I'll walk some more.

No direction,it doesnt matter.

I see a bum.I growl in their direction,they growl back.

We understand each other like animals.

I stop,I turn and walk towards them.

They recoil at my size.

I slump down next to them.

I smile showing my tombsone void,we share a moment and a cigarette.

I get up and go,no direction.It doesnt matter.

I am alone,wet and weary.

Where I go or where I end up,no one cares.

You walk by me when I cry anyway.

Just smile at me once in a while.

Reviews

[ValyrieKiennan]

Interesting poetic structure! The piece however, is a bit convoluted. You have multiple sentences on the same line (they should be on separate lines unless somehow having them side by side adds to the telling of your story). As well, the notion of "grey slaps" remains a mystery to the reader; what exactly are they?

The mention of "you" in the last stanza seems a very late insertion of a key figure; how does this person come to bear on the persona of the narrator that you have created/established in the preceding stanzas?

I look forward to your future writings!

Cheers,

VK

[Bob Sherunkle]

I appreciate your comments VK,taken on board,grey slaps, as that is the sound of leather on wet concrete,or did I fail to mention that.Apologies.I'll try harder next time.Oh..and I'm one of theose tramps you walk by every day.

[Bob Sherunkle]

Hello again.I've had a look and had an "Edit",please feel free to mark it again.In the mean tme I'll have a look at your work.

[ValyrieKiennan]

The edits were wonderful. The poem reads easier overall, and the images are much clearer from the few small tweaks!

[Bob Sherunkle]

Suggestions?If you were to write it,what would you do?

[ValyrieKiennan]

Something maybe like this:

My feet pound the wet concrete,
raindrops bouncing under my stinging feet.
My wandering is aimless;
I have no direction -
I'll walk until I wear a hole in one of these fuckers,
And then I'll walk some more.

I see another -
urchin of the streets.
I growl at him, teeth bared;
he growls back.
The turf war averted,
we grunt like
the animals we are.

I stop the incessant pounding of my feet
and slump down beside him -
my tombstone grin matching his own.

Cigarettes are exchanged,
a quick flicker of light in the grey of the city;
and then the smoke mingles with the brisk air
the moment of warmth slowly fading,
with each subsequent puff.

I get up again;
my endless journey.
I am alone, wet, weary;
My destination is of no concern
To you, to anyone.

You.
You walk by me when I cry, anyway.
You. Should try smiling, once in awhile, hm?

[ValyrieKiennan]

Edit: You should try smiling once in awhile, hm?**

[Bob Sherunkle]

No,i'll think I'll leave it as it is.You've PG rated it.

[ValyrieKiennan]

Not a problem. I didn't ever assert that I could write this better than you. I was just suggesting some technical improvements. I have no experience with what is described in this story - how could I provide the same emotional backing that you could? if you don't want the sort of reviews that I gave, put a little note in the author's section when you publish! I would be happy to review you on content based merit!

Cheers,

VK

[Bob Sherunkle]

Thanks VK,
I'll stick to mine,you stick..to yours.Technical improvements don't generally work in the everyday life of a person.You can't correct someone's misfortune by putting an editors shine on it.I appreciate your comments,but i'l stick to "my side of the room".
Take care.
Bob

[ValyrieKiennan]

I'm so sorry that you feel I was trying to correct your misfortune. I was under the mistaken assumption the piece you posted was here for reviews, and I am truly sorry. I don't think we're on opposite sides of the room, we're just people trying to make our way in a world we don't/can't understand. I wish you all the best.

VK

[Bob Sherunkle]

PAX,VK..PAX

[Daniel Sala]

Nice. You convey a day in the life of a jaded homeless person and everyone's indifference well, very deadpan.

[Samuel Dickens]

The hobo in me (I think I must be at least 40%) really likes and understands this. Regarding other comments, it's the message that I find most important, and on that, you've succeeded splendidly.

[Bob Sherunkle]

Many Thanks Samuel,kind words.

[Harley Q]

"I smile showing my tombstone void, we share a moment and a cigarette."
I love the nitty-gritty poignancy here. I'm new to the site but impressed so far! Looking forward to catching up with everybody!

[Tom Rouse]

Love the earthy tone you have in this. You 'bring it home' so to speak. Good job my friend!

[Bob Sherunkle]

Good man,thanks Tom!