Your lies have brought me back to reality

Your lies have brought me back to reality

Clouds no longer fill my head

What I thought was love

Now sits shattered on the ground

The door left close, is now open

The truth came out and ruined it all

They say that when you reach bottom

There is nowhere to go but up

Well you brought a shovel, and I don’t know how further down I can go

Reality sets in and Clouds no longer fill my head

Author's Note

Please review what you think of this and what i can do to make it better

Reviews

[TerryMcD]

Hello. First I think you should give yourself more credit. Anyone who writes, who uses words as expression not tools, is a writer. And you're willing to let others read what you write, even if you think it needs work, is cool.
I like the idea of your poem - lies being reality, lies removing what we thought was our reality. First, I think you shouldn't title your poem with the first line of the poem. It takes away the impact of your first line. My other suggestion would be to edit more fiercely. Are there words that aren't necessary (such as now in the line now sits shattered). I hope this doesn't discourage you. I often write 9 or 10 drafts of something (one suggestion, never delete a version - you never know).
Keep on writing, I'll keep reading.

[tarun]

itz very nice...it straight comes from yuor heart
i appreciate you

[Lyn Anderson]

This is a riveting, truthful, forceful poem. I see not an error in form, style, or thought. The Clouds is perfect as is, with the capitalization. About the only thing I would change is editing out a few unnecessary words, such as already suggested, and to simply change the font to match the thoughts.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

This grabs the reader's attention from the first line, a great habit to stay in, and then proceeds quite logically in a way that is clear and forwards the "plot," and while that all seems to be "boilerplate" for what is expected of good writing, you do it quite well here (he says in an obvious run-on sentence).

If I was to give good detailed suggestions (and needless to say these are all just for you to take or leave as you will, being the author) I would say I think maybe to make this hit a little harder I would say there was a particular object that sat shattered on the ground. Like, "Now sits shattered like my snowglobe at your feet," or something like that...It just might give a little more imagery, and that makes for some kind of additional storyline that you can pack in here. I think poetry is good to pack densely with plot and story, at least at times when you know it will add so well to the overall theme. You have done so well at making each line follow logically the one before it and move the poem forward in a logical way, I am impressed. That seems like such a small thing that it may sound like a false compliment, but I mean it wholeheartedly!! It is not actually that easy a thing to do, particularly as a poem.

Another thing I would suggest is "The door left close" should be, "The door left closed." This is just me being an English tutor (which I was at college), but the fact that "closed" and "open" are the commonly used opposites always bothered me. It always seems like it should be "closed" and "opened," or "close" and "open," but it really is "closed" and "open." Dumb but true. I wish it weren't."

"The truth came out" I feel like makes me think of a sunrise somehow. "The truth came up with the sun and ruined it all" or maybe expanding it to a few lines like, "The truth came up, rising with the sun/Ruining all I had left, as it shined off the broken snowglobe." I am being fanciful and making up hecka stuff here, but I am just trying to give ideas. This is a great poem, but if I am to write a great review I hope to really give you ideas for what else you can do with this. What I see that could help this poem is only just a little more detail perhaps.

"Well you brought a shovel..." This line is a bit too long, just to fit in, and I feel like I need to say it should be, "how MUCH further down," instead of "how further down." I like this twist though. It is just the right kind of turnaround that works.

The last line would normally be a great place to repeat, but in this case I would suggest that you say something different. "Reality sets in, and I know you'll soon be gone," or "Reality sets in, and I know that you just have to decide to climb back up." I don't have the perfect line for you, but that is good. It should be your words. I do think that there is a bit of a need to not repeat here though. Why not make the line "Clouds No Longer Fill My Head" the title?

I hope you aren't offended by all my suggestions. I am not trying to say I didn't love this poem -which I did!! I just want to have something useful to say to you, since all of us are on here to improve. I don't have all the answers, but I think some of my suggestions might make this an even better poem (as long as you change the words and get the spirit of what I am saying more than the specifics)!

[A. Amos]

Simple, brave, and honest writting

[Chris Orza]

I really like how your poems focus on one strong image. The mood and idea are there. However, some lines are really cliche, like, "Clouds no longer fill my head" and "There is nowhere to go but up." Sometimes I have lines like this in my first drafts, but then I try to make these types of lines my best by coming up with original ways of saying these things. Overall, I really enjoyed your poetry. Thanks for sharing.

[Chris]

close or closed?

anger, a spiral of hurt and shame - depression and even less self-value... all in all the beginning of a primer on personal relationships.

[Rob Santana]

Sad but a strong, powerful piece. You kept it simple but got your point across clearly. Well done. I really like it. Maybe put a "d" in the word "close". Besides that good job.

[Pax]

Reality sets in and Clouds no longer fill my head

I like the ending goes, I think there is nothing much to edit here, that I do think you did fine job on crafting the emotions in this piece. A little edit on the format I guess, to put more drama and presentable manner, just my opinion..

I like the feeling on how the poems was intended. The reality is that when we reach rock bottom, it is really hard to go up... but in all it is a learning process - sometimes it do takes more time to take that single step in getting up, and more courage to climb further. The beauty of pain, is understanding it, embracing it as part of your past to move forward to let go of the shove and be free… The beauty of experienced, is we learned and adapt to the many changes between our choices – it’s either good or bad depends on what you feel is right for you… the choice will always be yours…

I do like this piece of its sad value.. keep it up!
- Pax :)

[Kiss the Rain]

thank you :)

[Each Word Counts]

I really like this. I know the feelings well. Great job capturing the emotion!

[Kiss the Rain]

Thank you very much