The Bear and the Fish

It was a beautiful spring day. The sky was clear blue with a hint of fluffy white clouds. The temperature was perfect, not too hot nor too cold. There was a slight breeze blowing through the trees causing a rustling sound that was hypnotizing to the ear. The mountains could be seen off in a distance, beautiful to the eye with snow covered tops. It was a picture perfect view. It was Alaska.

Nearby was a river known for its fish and crystal clear water. Both fisherman and local wildlife were regulars. One day, a big brown bear appeared. She had a thick, glossy brown coat of fur that glistened in the sun. She started wading into the river to go fishing for her family. As the bear paused and stood in the middle of the river she became very still. She started to watch the bottom of the river. The bear was looking for something. She knew what to do. She was hunting. She had done this many times before and had always been successful.

Today her  prey was a salmon that would help to feed her family for the day. 

As the bear stood in the water, she looked up for a moment and surveyed her surroundings. No one was around and it was quiet. The only sound was the current of the water moving downstream.  As the bear stood silent, all of a sudden a fish appeared right in front of her. The mother bear made her move. Fast as lightning.

After catching the fish, she carefully carried it  back to the den where her family was waiting.

Once they finished eating, the bear cubs curled up around their mother for a long nap. In the background were only the sounds of the river along with a few birds flying across the sky.

It was quiet and still. 

It was a perfect end to the day.

Reviews

[JayG]

• It was a beautiful spring day. The sky was clear blue with a hint of fluffy white clouds.

Sorry, but on seeing that I just could not resist. Do you realize that, in general, you just duplicated Bulwer-Lytton's , infamous, opening to his novel, Paul Clifford?

I mention it because the man forever fixed it so opening with a weather report is a guaranteed rejection.

And though, assuming that you've read my critique of another of your stories, I'm pretty certain you don't love me, there are two lines here that are classic, "Okay, let's reject this," issues that you need to think about:

• There was a slight breeze blowing through the trees causing a rustling sound that was hypnotizing to the ear.

Here, there are two points. As a reader, what's the difference between a slight breeze and a breeze? (It's irrelevant, but the speed at which leaves rustle is 4 to 7 MPG, which is a light, not slight breeze) But in reality, does the wind speed really matter to the story? No. so it's detail, not story. And, "to the ear?" Who's observing this? You're not there and you have no protagonist. So you just told the reader that every human who would go there has their ear hypnotized. And while that might be true, it is irrelevant to this story.

Forgetting that I've never had my ear hypnotized, and so, have no clue of what you mean, were the sound not that compelling, would the story change? If not, chop it, because every unnecessary word slows the narrative and dilutes the impact.

• The mountains could be seen off in a distance,

Think about it. since we don't know where we are, can there be "the" mountains?

But more than that, "Could be seen? There are a multitude of things that "could be seen." Specifically mentioning any one of them—the fact that you devote an entire sentence to them being visible—gives that item unjustified importance in the reader's mind.

But of more importance, it's visual detail that the reader can't see, and hasn't been made to want to know.

Two good general rules:

1. If it doesn't move the plot, develop character or meaningfully set the scene (as in relating to the first two points) chop it, it's contributing nothing meaningful, while slowing the action.

2. If it matters to the protagonist, in the moment that character calls now, then it matters to the reader. If not, you can pretty well know that it fails to meet one of the conditions of point 1.

And with that, having tortured you far more than was my intent, I'll stop bothering you. Blame it on Bulwer-Lytton. 😁