The पाद-onomy

हमारे इतिहास के एक महान हास्य अभिनेता जाकिर खान कह �-ए "पाद थी, पाद हैं aur पाद रहे�-ी"।

Since ages, humans had looked down upon fart as something disgusting and vile. But it was only when Capitalism-era was at its peak with its cheeseburgers, pizzas, oily bhatures that they realized their foolishness for it saved them from the most dangerous weapon known - Gas.

Gas अविनाशी अस्ति,

Gas अनाकारः अस्ति,

Gas अदृश्यः,

Gas इति ब्रह्मास्त्रम् ।

 

Since ‘The Real Age of Enlightenment’, पाद became the focal point of their fascination. After deciphering all the secrets without, it was time for within.

 

Despite the cumulative intelligence, the task seemed unsurmountable. How did one study what was an antidote to the most powerful weapon? But isn’t there that adage, “Try, Try, till you succeed”.

 

As with any scientific analysis, the first task was classification. To do so, the entire world was asked to participate in the biggest open source project of all eternal time. They were asked to describe how they personally experienced the पाद. After discounting for the languages, choice of vocabulary and much more, four broad classes were identified,

· Laminar पाद

· Turbulent पाद

· Plop पाद

· Sneak पाद

 

Broad classifiers for the same were - the turbulence (proxied through disturbance of hip cheeks), the duration and the noise.

 

When the पाद is for some duration (2 - 5 seconds) without any noise and without disturbing the hip cheeks, it’s called Laminar पाद. But if it is noisy and disturbed the hip cheeks, it’s called Turbulent पाद.

 

When the पाद is for an instant only and like a bomb explosion with noise and disturbed the hip cheeks, it’s called Plop पाद. Without the noise and without disturbing the hip cheeks, it’s called Sneak पाद.

 

Laminar and Sneak पाद are like a silk scarf being pulled out from the a*s. Without any ruffle and noise.

 

Turbulent and Plop पाद are like a paper being pulled through with all the scrunching and the noise.

 

Post the classification, the next step was understanding the mechanics. Without getting into the details which some people find icky , let’s just summarize that through a detailed analysis, it was figured out that the only controllable variable was hip cheeks.

 

Finally came the task of figuring out which of the पादs led to maximal efficiency in elevating the life threatening discomfort of Gas. Post many experiments, the answer came to the obvious Laminar पाद. [Just to appease scientific inquiry, the target metric linked to maximal efficiency was change in pain proxied through tautness of muscles]

 

Once the end-to-end analysis was completed, came the true task of the exercise which was to understand how to ensure that all पादs were controlled in a way that they came out as a Laminar पाद. Given that the only controllable variable was hip cheeks, it was deemed (not without basis and given the eventual success, not without merit) that it will be similar to controlling the face cheeks. And so, all the famous “pout” influencers were brought together to understand how they went about controlling their facial muscles to be able to bring out such majestic pouts. It was an arduous task, first understanding their routine, then adapting it suitably for hip cheeks and then identifying and getting a suitable group of people together - one with broad hips but tapering down legs - to train on the defined routine to check if success was achieved or not.

 

But that’s a moot question now, isn’t it? [Laminar पाद]