Almost

I started this story the day that my best friend (Cole in the story) wasn't at school because he was sick. That was a week ago yesterday. This is what I imagined happening if we were closer.

Everything is, was, and always will be the same for me.
The loneliness, the freakishness, the outcast-ness.
I can’t get away from it.

So as I walk into school, one normal, rainy Friday morning, something is different. Something’s not right. I look around, trying to figure out what it is. Then I notice it: my friend Cole isn’t there. I felt my stomach tie into a million knots. I fumbled in my backpack for my phone, going into his contact and calling him.

ring

ring

ring

ring

ring

On the fifth ring, he picked up, having a coughing fit immediately after.

“H-hello…?” he asked, his voice groggy.

“Cole! Are you alright?” I asked, relieved to hear his voice, whatever condition it may be in.

“I’m sick as hell. I’m not coming to school today…”

“Oh.”

I hoped the disappointment wasn’t too obvious in my voice as i said that.
“Yeah...try not to get into trouble without me there, okay?”

“No promises…”

“Call me after and tell me how it was.”

“Alright…”

And with that, he hung up.

I guess it made sense for him to stay home if he was sick. We didn’t need everyone getting sick, even though practically everyone already was. It was spring, and allergy season wasn’t light this year.

When the bell rang, I walked to my first period class.

I saw everyone having fun, being normal, talking to friends. I wish I could have friends other than Cole. I wish I could be normal like everyone else. But ever since the accident...it left me broken.

I sat in my seat in the middle of the history class room, surrounded by faces and names and noise. I pulled out my large spiral notebook, and began to copy down the notes on the board.

One of the football players with short brown hair and dark brown eyes - so dark they were almost black - sat next to me, and I automatically shrunk back a little. He glanced over at me, and licked his lips. I got scared. This is how it started last time. I watched him warily for the rest of the class, trying to not make it too obvious.

When the first block bell rung, I stood up carefully and slung my backpack over my thin shoulder. As i walked, I heard a few snickers from some girls I kind of knew. They were definitely not my friends, but they weren’t as bad as most of them.

I sighed, and walked to chemistry. I was forced into this, for it was the tenth grade course.

I sat in the back corner of the room and kind of curled up into a ball in my chair. I was tired and I needed caffeine. I needed a rush. But I just sat there quietly, waiting for the bell to ring. I didn’t like being in school without Cole. He made things better.

His “girlfriend” sat next to me with her posse, and whispered something to one of her minions. She looked at the black hoodie I still had from when Cole and I went ice skating together and I didn’t wear enough layers so I got cold. It still smelled like him, even though he gave it to me over a few months ago.

One of her friends looked at my small and bony pale hands. They had black nail polish on them, because one of my good friends from summer camp is big on nail polish, and she painted them over the weekend. I opened my mouth to say something, but Brooke interrupted me.

“Hush, Disappointment. What’re you doing with my boyfriend’s sweatshirt on?” she questioned, gaining a sly smirk on her face.

I pushed my dirty blond hair out of my face, watching her carefully.

She snickered, “Take it off, b***h.”

I shook my head.

“I said, take it off, b***h.”

I shook my head again.

Thankfully the bell rang, and I pulled out my notebook, taking notes as the teacher lectured about chemical bonds, and told us we’d need to have the periodic table memorized by next Friday for our chapter test. Most of the class groaned, but I simply remained my quiet self. I got the best of both worlds when it came to school.

As the class ended, Brooke glared back at me, and I simply gathered my things. As I was about to walk out the door, our chemistry teacher, Mr. Sketcheskov, grabbed my arm. I tried not to wince, but it must not have worked. A look of concern flashed across his young face.

“Miss. Ladenstein, is everything alright?” he asked.

He was a young man (fresh out of college) with dark hair, green eyes, fair freckled skin, and a lean build. Needless to say, he looked more like a model than a tenth grade chemistry teacher.

I simply nodded, but he must have known that I was lying.

“If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. you know where you can reach me,” he said, releasing my skinny arm.

I tried to smile, and I guess it worked, because he smiled a little too. I walked to lunch - the most dreaded time of day for me. I didn’t fit in with anyone, so I usually just wound up sitting in the hallway eating or not eating at all. It was especially bad when Cole wasn’t there.

So I sat outside and did some homework because I wasn’t very hungry. I decided to call Cole, because my situation couldn’t really get much worse.

ring

ring

ring

ring

ring

ring

ring

He didn’t pick up.

I started to panic, and redialed the number.

ring

ring

ring

“Hello?” a groggy voice answered. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“Hey…” I said softly, hoping I didn’t disturb him from sleeping.

“Is everything alright?” he asked. I heard him shift on his bed.

“...No.” I responded meekly, and a few tears trickled down my face, “I need you here…”

“Hey, hey...tell me what’s going on…”

So I told him. He stayed quiet as I ranted and sobbed into the phone about how bad the first two blocks were and about the Brooke incident. I told him about how when a few kids passed by just a few minutes ago they told me to burn in Hell. I told him about the girls in first block calling me a s**t, even though I was a virgin and hadn’t ever dated anyone. Well, I wasn’t exactly a virgin, but I hadn’t had consensual sex yet with anyone. Cole knew about that. He was the only one.

After I finished and it was just kind of childish sobs, I heard his voice again.

“Ashlyn…” he cooed, a little pity in his voice.

He said my name in a such a calm tone it sent a shiver down my spine.

“Y-yeah…?” I asked, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of the hoodie.

“You’re going to live through the day, you only have three more hours left…” he promised.

“C-can I...can I come over...after school...if that’s okay…? I-I wanna...study with you…” I said softly, my speech still broken up by shaky breaths and small sobs.

I heard him exhale and lost a little hope.

“As long as you don’t get sick…” he said, and I could hear his smile through the phone.

I smiled too, “Hey...Guess what?” I asked, biting my lip a little after I said that.

“What?” his playful tone made me blush a little.

“I’m wearing your hoodie…” I said softly, holding the sleeve up to my nose.

“Good. That’ll keep you warm,” he said, “I have to go, Eli is calling now. I’ll see you after school, Lion.”

I smiled at the nickname, said goodbye, and hung up the phone.

The lunch ending bell rang, and I got up, walking over to my locker. The cafeteria doors opened and everyone flooded out of them. I was nearly trampled by all of the people coming out at once, and was shoved into at least four different people by the time I finished the short walk from where I was sitting to my locker.

I grabbed my things for calculus and walked to the classroom. I looked at the board and saw that we had new assigned seats. I looked for my name, and found that I was seated next to the exchange student for the semester. I smiled at him a little, and took my seat. We were located in the back right corner, near the windows. It was a nice day outside, and I almost took off my hoodie. But then I remembered my scars, and I kept it on.

I hadn’t really talked to the new kid, but he seemed nice enough.

“Hi…” he said softly.

“Hello,” i responded, smiling a little, “my name’s Ashlyn. What’s yours?”

“Um my name is Konrad,” he responded, pointing up to the board.

“Oh. I knew that…” I said softly, becoming discouraged quickly.

I pulled out the homework from the weekend and a pen to check it with. I pulled the hoodie sleeve up and over my hand, and all the doodles that were on it. I had one doodle of a star type thing on the back of my hand and Konrad tilted his head to the side a little. I simply didn’t pay attention to him.

I survived the class with minimal damage. I got out soon enough, and nearly ran to Latin after stopping at my locker for a moment to exchange textbooks.

This is the class that I sat next to Cole in.

This is the class that sparked our friendship.

Back in the sixth grade.

Back when everything was almost okay.

I sat down in my assigned seat in the second row. I was right by the door. The empty seat next to me nearly broke my heart. But then Brooke did something that really pissed me off - she set all of her stuff down in Cole’s chair.

I don’t know why it pissed me off so much, it just did. It was like she couldn’t understand that this seat was basically sacred. It was Cole’s chair. Not hers. This chair didn’t deserve to have all of her preppy girly s**t all over it. This was my best friend’s chair. This was not her junk-drawer.

And now I realized why I was getting so worked up over two pieces of wood and some steel holding them together.

I was in love with my best friend, and probably have been for a while.

Oh s**t.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of Latin class.

Once the final bell rang, I slung my book-bag over my shoulder and approached my Latin teacher, a relatively young woman named Ms. Canipe. We were pretty close, since she was also kind of my counselor, so I just called her Ashlie.

“Hey Ms. Ashlie...I have a question for you…” I said softly.

“What is it, Ashlyn?” she asked, pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose.

“Um...I was wondering if I could talk to you about Cole…” I admitted.
“Go on,” she said, sitting in her chair and motioning for me to sit in the one across from her.

“Well...as you know, I’ve been friends with him for a while...and I just realized at the beginning of class today that I think I might be in love with him. But he has a girlfriend already and I would feel terrible if I told him because he probably doesn’t feel the same way and I’m just kind of confused right now and I just don’t know what to do…” I didn’t realize that I was crying until a tear fell onto my jeans.

Ms. Ashlie watched me, a sympathetic look in her eyes. I could tell that she’d been where I was currently before.

“Darling, if you could see the look he gives you in the middle of class, I think you’d know that he does indeed love you…” she said, smiling a little, “You’ve seen Disney movies before, correct?”

I nodded.

“Well, do you know when the prince looks at the princess while she’s doing the randomest of things?”

I nodded again.

“He looks at you like that…” she said, a little twinkle in her dark brown eyes.

I froze. Oh my god Cole loves me...oh my GOD Cole LOVES me! I stood and hugged Ms. Ashlie.

“I have to go...I’ll see you tomorrow Ms. Canipe,” I said, releasing her from the hug.

She smiled and said goodbye, and I walked to my locker. I grabbed everything that I needed for my homework and headed out the doors to the parking lot. I had texted my mom earlier, letting her know that I was going over to Cole’s after school. He didn’t live that far, so I started walking down the street.

I looked at all the flowers and such as I walked. There was a really pretty light blue flower that I liked. I picked it and held it in my hand. There were a few purple flowers that I liked as well. I picked them too.

Before I knew it I had a bouquet of blue, purple, and green flowers.

I stood at his door after I rang the doorbell. He had a really big house, and I really liked it. It was much better and actually more home-like than my little one-story house that my parents and I live in. I looked at the bouquet in my hand and decided that the vase on the dining room table could use this maybe. It depended on what his mom wanted to do with them.

I saw his younger brother come to answer the door while I was pondering in my thoughts. Eli and I had a rather good relationship, mainly because he’s just plain adorable. He opened the door and gave me a hug, which surprised me a little. After I got over the initial shock, I hugged him back.

“Hi Ash!” he said enthusiastically, his light blue eyes lighting up, “Come in! Cole is asleep right now, but we can play Halo until he wakes up!”

I laughed a little and agreed, pausing in the dining room on the way to the game room to put the bouquet down. I then followed Eli the rest of the way to the universal game room. I sat on the couch next to him and grabbed one of the controllers. He smiled at me. He liked gaming with me because I get intense when it comes to video games. Cole really doesn’t.

Eli is like a little male version of myself. I guess that’s why we get along so well.

After about an hour, I heard Cole come downstairs.

He was rubbing his eyes. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, and even better, no shirt. This is why I love Cole. We’re so comfortable around each other, we once spent an entire afternoon in nothing but our underwear. And nothing sexual happened. We just kind of played video games and ate. A lot.

I smiled when he walked in, and paused the game. Eli ran over and attempted to tackle-hug Cole, and I laughed at his fruitless efforts. Cole simply encased Eli in his arms and threw him over his shoulder. I smiled a little as Cole put Eli down, and walked over towards me.

“Oh no, you said you didn’t want me getting sick…” I pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

“I feel better now, promise,” he said, running over to hug me.

I took the bear hug, and was nearly smothered by him. I was still sitting on the couch, so he was kind of laying on top of me. His nose was right where my neck met my shoulder, and I could feel his warm breath against my skin.

It kinda freaked me out a little, but I didn’t let that show.

“How was school?” he asked, his golden-hazel eyes watching me.
“Terrible…” I said softly, looking away from him.
He got off of me and looked at me with concern. I watched him with my light gray eyes and sighed softly, burying my face in my hands. I thought I was going to cry, but no tears came out. I had cried myself dry.

Eli sat next to me and wrapped me in a hug.

“You’re okay though, right?” my little friend asked, and I looked at him.
“I sure hope so.”

We both looked at Eli after his response. I was surprised that he even really cared. Cole hadn’t told him to get out yet so he must be in a good mood.

“Cole, today was just a mess…” I said softly, wiping my eyes as now there was a small stream of tears coming from them.

He sighed and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders like he’d done a million times before, and simply held me in a side hug. I laid my head on his shoulder off of instinct, and closed my eyes.

More tears fell now, and soon I found I couldn’t make myself stop.

Eli had left out of courtesy, and Cole was silent, listening to my rants for the second time today. Once I finished, I looked up at him. I probably looked disgusting, but he simply brushed my bangs away from my eyes and said the two words I’ve needed to hear all day: “you’re beautiful.”

I sniffed and blew my nose, before burying my face in his bare chest.

“I’m just so glad you’re here…” I gushed, before my breath caught and I was just focusing on breathing.

“I know...I know...you’re okay though...you’re okay…” he said, stroking my hair gently.

He was such a gentle person. That was one thing I really appreciated about him. He knew how to handle pretty much any situation without people getting hurt. Well, unless they piss him off really badly or hurt me. Then it’s game over, but that’s not usually the case.

I stayed until it was dark outside. I knew what I was going to do. At around ten o’clock, I looked at my phone after some epic gaming and feigned surprise.

“Oh s**t, I have to go….” I said softly.

“It’s ten o’clock at night, Ash...you can’t go home by yourself this late at night…” Cole stated.

“No I’ll be fine, I just have to borrow a flashlight,” I said, trying to be convincing.

I didn’t want to be obvious about what I was doing.

“...Okay. But call me as soon as you get home so I know that you’re okay,” he said, his golden-hazel eyes locked with mine.

I cringed. That caused such a pang in my heart… I almost didn’t do it. But I had to. This world is better without me.

“I will,” I promised.

It killed me. I had never broken a promise before, so this would be my only one. Well, besides a silly one I made with Cole when we were in the fifth grade. I had promised him that I would marry him when we were older if we both didn’t fall in love with someone else. But that probably wasn’t going to happen, I knew Cole would eventually fall in love with someone else. I mean I’m just me. Nothing special at all.

I gave Eli a big hug and had to do my best to prevent tears from falling. I kissed his forehead and tousled his blond hair. I then looked at Cole. I gave him a big hug and wouldn’t let go for a full two minutes.

“Hey, you’re gonna see me tomorrow…” he said, slightly confused.

“Goodbye, Cole. Goodbye Eli…” I said, sorrow in my voice. But that was normal by now.

“Bye Ash! I’ll see ya tomorrow!” Eli said, his blue eyes lighting up at the thought.

I opened the door and headed out into the darkness. I walked along the side-roads until I was sure Cole couldn’t see me. I then walked along the major highway.

Someone stopped and asked if I needed a ride, but I politely declined them. At least one person in the thousands I passed that night cared.

And that was enough. I wasn’t going to do it.

I walked across the street when the light turned red. I jogged across without looking, only to be hit on the right side by someone who was turning left. I felt the impact jar my shoulder into the socket first, and then I felt something burst in my abdomen. I then felt the force impact of my head hitting the concrete. I wasn’t even going to do it, yet it happened anyway.

I had managed to die.

And I was almost home. I almost made it. I just had a few more streets and then a knock on the door and I was there. I was ready for the scolding now. I was ready to be grounded for a month for coming home so late, even though I technically wasn’t past curfew

-                        -                    -

The next day it was all over the news.

“Mystery Girl Killed in Accident”

“Jane Doe Killed On Hwy 23”

There were reporters all over the blocked highway. They were interviewing people who were at the scene and especially the person who called 911.

“So Brooke, how did this all play out?” one reporter asked.

“Oh this is all just so emotional….” she fake-sobbed, “Um...I saw my friend crossing the street at this light right here and...and...oh my god it’s still fresh in my head…”

“You say the Jane Doe was your friend?”

“Yes.”

“What was her name?” another newscaster asked.

“I couldn’t see it very clearly, but it looked like my friend Ashlyn Ladenstein,” she said.

“If you see the body, do you think you’d be able to identify her?”

“I think so. She had the cutest nose and the prettiest face and oh her eyes…” she said, fake-sobbing again.

It would have been great if you had told me that when I was alive, because you sure as hell did nothing but make me feel like I was an ugly little s**t who didn’t deserve life on this planet.

Days after was my funeral. It was open casket.

My mother had dressed me in one of her old black dresses that I fit into. She was telling me things as she made me look beautiful and less dead for the people attending. She told me about what they had for dinner that night. She told me that they had rented my favorite movie and we were going to watch it when I got home.

And then she broke down sobbing.

My father came in and held her for a moment, and then she put in a set of diamond earrings that she had bought me for getting through such a tough year. She was going to give them to me on the last day of school.

They carried my body to the cemetery and set me on the ground. This is how I’ve always wanted to have my funeral. I just never wanted to have it while I was this young.

They had Cole come up and give a eulogy.

“Ashlyn was an amazing friend, and I am glad I was blessed with her friendship...it feels strange, talking about her in the past tense. So I won’t. Because I know she’s here in spirit. So Ash, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you. You couldn’t have stopped this from happening. And I want you to know that you do matter in this world. You matter so much that I have no idea what I’m going to do now.

“And Brooke? She’s out of the equation now. I broke up with her that night, over the phone, after you left. You were right and I should have listened to you about her. She’s a complete and utter b***h.”

There were a few chuckles that emerged from the crowd at that statement. Good. I wasn’t having one of those sappy everyone-is-crying funerals.

“See? That’s what she wants here. She doesn’t want one of those funerals where everyone is sad and in agony….she wants us to celebrate her life. She wants us to make jokes and laugh at them and feel like she’s still here, because she is. She promised me that she would be.

“She’s never broken a promise to me on purpose. Granted, there are a few here and there that she couldn’t fulfill now anyways. But other than that, perfect record.”

I knew where he was going with this.

“When we were in the fifth grade, she made a promise to me. She promised me that if we were still in touch, and neither of us had fallen for someone else, that she would marry me. She can’t fulfill this promise now, but I’ll let you know, I’ve dreamed about it since the day she promised me. Ashlyn Marie Ladenstein, I have been in love with you since the day I met you in the second grade. I have always been imagining when we were older and I got to marry you. Because little do you know, I was serious back then. And I still love you.”

D****t, Cole. I love you too! I can’t tell you, but I really do! I swear!

“So…” I heard him sniff, “I guess that’s it. Like you said on the night this happened, Goodbye. I’ll see you after my own going home ceremony, angel…” I heard him sniff again.

A few of my other close friends gave eulogies, but I won’t bother with them. They weren’t nearly as good as Cole’s.

So… I guess this is it. I guess it’s over now. They closed the casket, and lowered me into the ground. And that’s how I died, not even knowing that I would after deciding against doing it myself.

And the worst part is that I even almost made it.

Author's Note

all reviews are appreciated!
another edited version of this story! I hope you all enjoy!

Reviews

[Auxiliosophiae]

This was absolutely wonderful. And so touching, how the tears flowed. Cole is such a sweet heart.
I only have a few suggestions, some of which were already noted.
"I was in the tenth grade, so this is what I was taking this year." -- something just really bothers me about the wording, I think it's mostly the tenses and the pronouns.
I would really like to know a bit of the backstory behind "Lion", but that might just be me, up to you
There are a few lower cases I's, and Latin should be capitalized
'hoodie sleeve up to my hand was visible." -- 'to' isn't the right word. (maybe "'til"?)

[UltimaLynx]

Whoa....that's some heavy stuff...But very well written. ^_^ Keep up the great work!

[Aiyana]

i loved it!!!!!! great story

[Sesame]

Hello blxckrose,

What a sad story! As per your request I have read it and reviewed it to see if I have any suggestions for improvement. I do:
- Presentation: add some white spaces after paragraphs this makes it easier for the reader to read.
- "Allergy season wasn't gracious" reconsider the word gracious here, maybe 'forgiving'?
- "that accident... it left me broken" -> Implies there have been a number of accidents, of which this one was somehow more important. I do believe you are referring to one occassion, make it "the accident"
- I doubt if the following is correct : "history classroom" I think it is either "history class" or "class room"
- "football jock" is a very dull stereotype, maybe you can think of another description?
- you wrote I with a small letter somewhere
- you use the word 'snickers/snickering' twice shortly after eachother, maybe change one of them into a synonym?
- 'watching her with my light gray eyes' -> it is strange that your main character notices her own eye color.. think about real life, how many times do you think "i am looking at something with my [green] eyes?"
- ".. But I was also good at..."-> how does this description add to your story? As I think of it there are quite some superfluous schooly description in the story. Reread what you have wrote and ask yourself: what can I delete without messing up the plot or creating character. Then delete it and repeat the process, it will make your story more powerful.
- on the phone, your character says "guess what, I am wearing the hoody." but she already talked about the Brooke incident, therefore Cole already know about the hoody
- revise the syntax here: "sleeve up to my hand was visible"
- I think it is not realistic that a teacher/counselor would imply that Cole was also in love with Ashlyn. People in that role, will prevent students getting hurt at all times and will avoid the risk of making statements about people being in love. It will much sooner be a neutral reaction.
- "... to the game room..." "was a mixture of a video gaming room and a family board game room."->
try "to the game room, where both video games and family board games are played." or something like that. Currently, you use too many words in my opinion.
- "and there wasn't anything sexual..." -> "and nothing sexual"

Hope this helps! Good luck with the editing process.

Regards, Sesame.

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com