When Life Gives You Lemons....

Something I wrote a few months ago... My lit teacher liked it. It's pretty awesome.

When life gives you lemons, whine and cry about it for days on end because you distinctly asked for MACARONI AND CHEESE and these are obviously LEMONS, and you filled out all the paperwork and everything, but here they are, all yellow and oblong and sour. So you mope around about it for a few days, and then you realize that if you WANT macaroni and cheese so much, you should really just GET YOUR A*S to the grocery store and BUY some macaroni and cheese. So you go and buy a few boxes and cook them and eat them and Say That They Are Good and sleep, thinking how self-sufficient you are.

 

Then you wake up the next morning, all refreshed and ready for everything, when you go out side and find a NICE, BIG BASKET of LEMONS on your doorstep (sincerely, Life). So you decide to go drown your sorrows in a liter of Diet Dr. Pepper, but when you take a sip, GUESS WHAT? IT TASTES LIKE LEMONS!And yeah, Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors, but lemon is not one of them! You're sick of the f*****g lemons! And yeah, it's probably immature to get so PISSED OFF about such a little thing, but it's kinda hard to think straight when you're being STALKED by something as harmless as a PIECE OF FRUIT!

 

You try to think of what to do, and decide to just buy another bottle of soda, but then you open your wallet and realize that you spent all your money the on macaroni and cheese yesterday. But you need caffeine so you bite your tongue and you chug the entire bottle of the icky lemon stuff, and now you're very proud of yourself for being so strong in the face of lemons.

 

Then you feel your heart speed up a little bit, then a little bit more, and a little bit more until it feels like there's a coked-out Irish step-dancer prancing around in your chest. Maybe you had too much caffeine, or something, and for some reason there's this awful acrid sour scent of lemons and that's the last thing you know before you have a heart attack and DIE!

Author's Note

The run-on sentences are intentional, just so you know.

Reviews

[Hannah!]

Haha, this was really funny, in a random, weird sort of way. I find that it's very difficult to pull that sort of humor off well, so kudos to you on that. I actually liked this story a lot, even beyond the funniness of it. Can't say I'm a huge fan of the ending, because it seemed somewhat out of place in the rest of the story, but the rest of it, I absolutely adored. Very funny. Good work!