Chapter 2: Second Guesses (A Show of Hands)

Ethan and Emma depart the airport, on the way home, still feeling full of emotion and worry.

As the Tercel sped down the highway, Ethan’s excitement was still high. He could see buildings and neon signs pretty much constantly; Emma was driving them up to Taipei; the airport was actually located at a distance away from the capital city, and from the looks of it they had arrived. He turned to the driver and smiled at her in pleasure and anticipation.
Emma glanced over at her passenger. After the excitement of that first embrace, the friends had gone out to the parking lot arm in arm. Her emotions were clearly also running high, for her face was unusually expressive. But now it seemed that Emma had become shy for some reason"as if she had much to say, yet dared not speak much. Was she perhaps forcing herself to smile now? Ethan wondered whether Emma felt let down upon seeing him in person"Emma, frankly, had always seemed a little bit starstruck, as if she had idealized Ethan as an exaggeratedly magnificent ideal...had even called him a superhero a few times. Beginning to worry a bit, he reflected that it was only natural, after a year of thinking of Ethan as something like a combination of Pallas Athena and Batman, to feel disillusioned at meeting her idol in person. Nobody could live up to expectations that were that high. Still, Ethan worried, if Emma were that disappointed already, the next six months would be filled with daily home stress. In the face of what she assumed was a sort of resentment, Ethan hardly could summon any words that could be taken well"probably, Emma felt cheated. Well, it wasn’t Ethan’s fault, at any rate"he’d said to Emma many times that he was not as great as she thought, but Emma had only taken these protestations as manifesting the humility that only proved how commendable he was"well, now that they were practically face to face, or rather cheek to cheek (Heaven, I’m in heaven...), the illusion was shattering, of course.
His embarrassment and anxiety starting to ramp up, Ethan racked his brains, trying to think of something to say"something to break the ice, to make the awkwardness less...to make Emma less let down. Turning to Emma, Ethan spoke out the first phrase that came to to his lips: “Emma"Thank you for picking me up.”
Immediately, even as the words were being spoken, Ethan regretted them. God"how blasé is that? She’s going to think I’m not only boring, but a rotten conversationalist. Well"maybe it would be better that she found out now that Ethan was just an ordinary guy with health issues"not really worth anyone’s admiration or time.
Feeling now that his own self-assessment had been more or less confirmed, Ethan felt that coming here had been a ridiculously unwise thing to do, even though it had at first seemed almost magically fortunate. There had to be a catch"it really had been too good to true, Ethan told himself. And This was the catch...here on the highway. Emma had had unrealistic expectations of him, and now she resents me being “just this guy.” It was easy, he reflected, to be accepting of anyone...online.
He looked awkwardly away from Emma’s face"she was now determinedly staring straight ahead a the highway, probably lost in troubling thoughts"and gazed down at his own lap and his hands, clasped there, not knowing what to do with them, like an amateur stand-in suddenly called upon to play the lead. He had always been dissatisfied with his hands"felt them mannish and unattractive...and yet, today, self conscious as he was now, he felt as if they blew his cover, betrayed him. How did I ever suppose these hands were a man’s hands! Too thin, too smooth"now at this moment, dysphoria, almost. What good were these hands? Why did I even think I could work with them? I will even fail at this dream job. They won’t want me. Why the hell do I start now to feel like a girl...NOW? And Emma here"she’s lovely, not really trying hard to pass, but in her heart, authentic through and through, whatever external descriptors applied to those who didn’t know her. Did Ethan? Did he really? She passes better than I ever do, in either mode. Intellectually, he knew, it didn’t really matter to Emma"siblings was enough, male or female in any combination...so Emma had always said. Maybe now, she was regretting that. Reality breaks up all the idealistic sayings"it’s disillusionment in action. It was so great, online"all our hugs in our minds, would it have been better to have left it forever at that, and been satisfied? Probably, he reflected, momentarily forgetting the many times he’d wished the hugs could have been real and the conversations around the fireplace could have been in person, hand in hand. Or maybe this was better, to wake both of us up from the silly fantasy. What were we thinking? Better that the truth is out. She’s 19 years older than I am, we can’t really have anything meaningful in common anyway, what did she even want from me?
Damn these stupid hands, he thought, allowing himself to feel the disappointment in full, allowing his body’s pain to register, wallowing in depression as he had promised himself he never would do again, seven years earlier. Punishing himself for his idiotic folly, his bad decisions"for f*****g this opportunity up, giving up his apartment, for depending so pathetically on others and being so useless, a drag on family, a leech on good people who loved him. Even if my family is abusive. DAMN these hands! Damn this nitwitted, pain-filled body. Damn my unreliable brain, no sooner one thing than it scampers off into the other. Damn ME. There’s nothing about me worth salvaging, nothing of my own to be proud of"s**t!"to be satisfied with, even.
Furious, miserable, Ethan started to pick at his hands, pinching, scratching, as was his old wont.
In his peripheral vision, something was moving, off to his left. Emma’s hand. She must be reaching for sunglasses or something.
He glanced again, surreptitiously, at her face. Now she looked different"the smile had been dropped"I was right, it was a fake, he thought! She looked serious, emotional. There’s something on her mind.
Her questing hand was still reaching"Ethan jerked his own hand out of the way, thinking that a chance contact would be the touch that brought the whole card house down.
Emma looked over at Ethan, at his hands, and then at Ethan’s face, in something like consternation, and as she looked back alertly at the road, his hand reached out again. This time it was more deliberate, the reach was farther. Ethan froze. What is this now? Oh help!"
And Emma’s hand was on his hand"grabbing it gently, turning it palm upwards. Holding it; squeezing. Ethan, shocked out of any sort of mood, looked again at his driver, waiting, wondering...close to panic.
Emma, still looking ahead, was tearing up, her mood unclear. What was wrong? Later on, it was hard for Ethan to believe that Emma’s expression and her action were so hard to understand. It must have been that his own misery had clouded his perceptions.
Emma slowed the car, pulled over to the shoulder. Stopped. She looked at Ethan, squeezing his hand harder, seemingly unable to speak yet. He wished she would speak and release the tension and the awful discomfort of not knowing how to react to this. Then Emma took a deep breath, clearly ready with Something to Say, and Ethan was afraid.
“You’re really here...aren’t you? I can hardly believe it, Ethan. You’re real.”
Ethan, still not sure what she meant, nodded. “I’m here, Emma. I’m here for you.” And that was what he’d needed to say: what he’d always said when Emma had been troubled. “I’m here for you.” And this time, it was different, because he’d come across the seas to be with Emma; but it was the same, too, because he realized that whatever else was going on, he would still want to be Emma’s friend and support, and he realized in the same moment that even though Emma was making him so anxious, or so it seemed then, he needed Emma there to reassure him and bring him back to peace. He needed this relationship to go on, even if it couldn’t happen, even if the job fell through and they lost the spark that connected them, it was still alive for Ethan, and in some way, he’d probably always need it to stay alive...would keep it in his heart, at least, and would use it to reignite the friendship later if it ever became possible. Right or wrong, this meeting had to happen. Even if the next words Emma spoke were words of rejection and regret. He would try to heal the heart he was breaking, somehow.
But what was Emma saying now? She was about to speak, and her eyes were seeking Ethan’s. So he took a breath, which caught in his throat...and met Emma’s gaze, with courage but not without fear.
“Ethan...” Emma was having trouble speaking; this was hard to say. Ethan, heart standing still, waited and watched Emma’s eyes start to release the first few tears. When the second one had fallen, Emma took a shaky breath and began again.
“Ethan, I love you so much. Thank you my dear, I needed you here, I need you here now. I need you to keep at least a part of you here with me, always.” She took Ethan’s hand and held it to her heart, and their pulses seemed to match, or to flow together, like two tributaries of the same grand river. “Thank you so very much for coming to me, my love, my dear friend. You and I are together now, so don’t be afraid any more. I’ll take care of you, dear...just"just don’t stop loving me. Please, just keep loving me.” She raised Ethan’s hand to her lips to kiss it tenderly...and Ethan knew, could hear, the words in Emma’s heart: At last. At last.
Ethan looked down at their joined hands. He took her hands with his free hand to complete the connection in the real world, the one that had begun with words and images and a spark flitting across long, long wires. His hands were fine...they didn’t hurt; for this purpose, this use, the hands were perfectly fit; Emma could feel it too, they were feeling things together now, at least for this lingering moment. Then as Ethan kissed Emma’s hand in return, their eyes met once more.
Emma gasped a little, and then gave a little, embarrassed laugh. “This is...so much like my dreams. I’ve imagined this so many times. You know how I sometimes need you to tell me something I already know...just because I need to hear you saying it?”
Ethan nodded, smiling with understanding, and in clear tones pronounced the truth of the matter: “Emma, this is real. I have come to be with you, we’re together now here in Asia. I’m here because I needed a superhero...to save my life. And I have come here, and here she is.” Emma’s eyes widened in a variety of quickly-passing emotions: recognition, surprise, pleasure, wonder. “Emma Itava, are you glad I’m here with you?” He grasped his courage up and said the rest of what he needed most to hear now. “Do you want me to stay?” For in that breathless moment, he could dare to ask and half trust that the answer would not destroy him. Watching the eyes he had grown to know a year ago, but this time looking right at him through new tears and studying his face...everything seemed to change. In an instant, the pain"all of it, the fear, the doubt, even the self-hatred that he’d been nurturing for years... it all was gone.
“Ethan...yes. You must stay.” Emma started to cry then. “You’re so beautiful, I can’t believe you decided to … to waste your love on a crud like me...Ethan, I love you forever. This is the way things were supposed to happen. There’s no mistake, my dear, I know that now; this is the part where our lives grow together, and everything will be better.”
Ethan, misting over too, nodded and opened his arms to hold his friend. “Everything will be full of wonder, Emma. Everything.”
And then they both lost it.

Author's Note

Now with the addition of the postlude, it's at a full draft stage. Please comment and suggest stuff, would you? Thank you.