This is how it feels

Oh I was driving fast through streets I well knew to be safe as they are not far from centre of my city ,no I would never go to the outskirts of town, very risky ,I may never come back.                                                                                                                                  I did hear about some friends who went into this dilemma ,they were stopped ,forced to leave their car, handcuffed ,and then blind folded, they told me it was really scary ,some big men with awfully powerful arms ,never spoke a word ,only harshly, as like saying :come down on your knees ,and shoving people harshly into a car which right away sped so fast taking the poor friend away from the real world.                                                  He told me he thought, actually he could never think then for everything stops there, only great fear will freeze every thought he may have, the world will come into a standstill, like you are cut from everything.                                                                   You know I have witnessed this as I lived this same experience some 15 y ago came from military camp during war I was issued an ordinary leave for two weeks to visit family ,I had my pass with me ,the commander of the regimen by then was not exactly in love with me, I was as a doctor of the regimen , took a sample of drinking  from the camp so far away in the desert, we used to drink from wells ,we dig into ground until water comes out so that we used to drink, anyway  I took the specimen to the labs in Baghdad turned out to be not for human use they told me ,the commander was infuriated ,he said it was as good as any ,and warned me not to spread the rumor among the soldiers or there will be chaos .                             I was naïve then ,and thought I would be deceiving those poor soldiers I was living with so in a day everybody knew ,my commander knew as well, he called me ,scolded me ,and gave me two days in jail ,and  I never forgot it .                                               So when I went on my leave, right after I left, for home, he sent a warrant that I was a deserter, they came to my house took me by force to the central intelligence in Mosul, it was like a nightmare, anyway I was only referring to the state of mind you get in when you fall in their hands just like my friend I was talking about.                    Yes, everything freezes right there, your mind stops working ,you lose control on all your feeling ,I don't even feel my legs they are so weak when you are like that, head is so light ,you think nothing is in your control ,its all up to them ,you just want to sit ,or you fall ,my conscience is not really all there, I feel so numb ,my feeling is so dull ,when they tell me ,everything I do it right away ,like a robot, you never use your mind then ,they have certain way to keep you off balance all the time, its their aim to keep you so vulnerable, so when time comes you will talk, you will sing with out even them forcing you ,they keep you alone for days, few things to eat handed from under the door .                                                                                                                       So  my friend tells me he was left like that for days ,when they call him ,its one masked man sitting on a table in room that has nothing else, he  would bellow out ,you are a snitch ,you told about  brave men ,what do you think we will do ,he says ,my friend tells me he wanted to talk ,but he could not even move his tongue ,such a fear he said ,again he yelled at him , but mouth so dry ,his thinking is very lousy ,he even could not reason well he says, I remember I just said I have never done anything ,he stopped came out of his chair ,I covered my head , I knew I will receive heavy blows ,but strange he just left, I was even more afraid, my friend ,even panicked, I  know these people ,it was not to end like this, oh sorry ,you can leave ,a main reason for all their doings is to spread fear among all town.                                                      So the agony went on for days to come ,but they could not get anything ,because I can not say things I did not do, you know, it was his mother telling me this and not him ,for the poor fellow ,the mother said was found few days later with his neck cut deep across .                                                                             The poor mother now went into a fit of crying ,she said he is my only child ,he is so kind, he always will ask if I needed anything he said ,you are old, dear mother ,now ,I will take care of everything ,never worry about a thing ,she said I usually complained to him about what's going on ,he told her oh dear mother I will give my life just you be safe and content ,what a son is for, he used to joke, she said ,now she was out of control sobbing like mad ,I was there in my clinic ,checking her blood pressure ,I saw it was very high ,I said it comes from too much worrying and thinking. She said first trying to control her voice ,yes dear son ,and hearing all that ,I my self fought so hard to keep the tears away ,I am a doctor you know ,crying in front of my patient was out of question, she sat there ,I brought a chair for her ,I felt something ripping my heart inside ,but I kept composed, she kept crying for about 15 minutes ,and I was in front of her just looking at her and then through the window to the outside ,I wished I could be taken away at that moment far away from this doomed place.                                                                                                                Then she stopped and said ,only few days ago they sent us a few lines in a ragged paper saying they were sorry ,it was a mistake ,I was only taking little heed of what she is saying but  only these last words really struck me like a hammer ,it was a mistake ,oh well ,so everything is ok and fine now ,so he was not wronged after all ,not bad…

 

 

Reviews

[emmajoy]

So tragic, so awful to read your experiences: a fine doctor endures insults from a superior - which is nigh unthinkable, then, another time has to remain strong in spite of his own feelings and bewilderment.

Maybe people forget that before a person becomes a doctor, he or she is a human being, that they have feelings but, those feelings have to be restrained, controlled in times of trouble.

To write so honestly about such things shows your inner strength and of course, your compassion.

[darkgurl]

So very sad. This isa powerful flow of emotion....Kim

[Helena]

Thought I'd read them all....but no, here is another one discovered.
And what a excellent but tragically sad write my friend.
How very hard it must have been for the Doctor to keep his composure
while everything else is tumbling down around him.

The description of "torture" was mind blowing and awesomely written
and the end absolutely chilling...

"it was a mistake ,oh well ,so everything is ok and fine now ,
so he was not wronged after all ,not bad"

Oh the senslessness of it all!! (I'm crying)


Helena

[Pink Poison]

Very good flow of consciousness writing. It forces the reader to experience the emotions you describe so well. I don't know if this is the truth or if it is fiction (I suspect the truth) but either way, how sad for your friend's mother. It is terrifying to be in a situation where you don't know what will happen next, but you do know that it won't be pleasant. The not knowing part is as bad as whatever you can imagine your punishment to be. Nice, strong words. Thanks for sharing.