A Prayer of Relinquishment

Trying to give up what I think is mine

"Give me the heart of a servant"
 - that's what the song says
And Father God, I'm tired
 - of trying to be in control.

I realize that I can't
do it by myself.

Every time something good happens,
I want credit from someone,
even though You, O God,
advise me to not let
my right hand know the actions
of my left;

and every time something bad happens,
I want to blame myself for something
I've either overlooked or deliberately
screwed up.

I can't just accept the fact that
some things happen for a reason,
and sometimes, I'm not
supposed
to know
those reasons.

I pray for faith,
but ask for evidence -
two rivers stemming from the
same poisoned heart-source.

I gradually let go of the steering wheel.

I want you, O God

and I know that if I'm one of your servants,
I'll be taken care of.
I won't have to worry about anything.

To get married, to stay single,
breaking the law, breaking hearts,
food on the table, gas in the tank,
clothes on my back

my family

questions I can't answer

reasons I can't know

I'll try to take care of the "what"
and have faith that you'll take care of the "how."