i'm missing something

im missing something

and i dont know what it is

bad friend

i was a bad friend

to my friends, family, to me

to me

i treated everyone badly because I treated myself badly

oh how i see that

i see that now everyday cant escape

 i mourn i mourn everyday

because its too late

its too late to recognize that now

22 years late

everyone has their support system

im on the outside begging to be let in but i dont know how

im missing something

I want meaningful connection

I try to reconnect with old souls who have treated me so well with meaning

but it feels fake bc i am fake

i am a fraud

it feels like love bombing.

God I hate love bombing

its just been so long and im trying os hard to connect

is that the same as love bombing?

it feels like no one likes me but is tolerating me

they are genuine people

they wont just tell me leave them alone

idk if this makes it better or worse

to have this false sense of hope

i feel like they think im crazy or having some mental episode

am i having a mental episode?

i used  to

not anymore

I take care of me now

but it feels so lonely just to take care of me

im sorry

to the people who loved me that I could not love back

I’m here now

my lack of connection is from my childhood

its all I knew,

this conditional love

i hate it.

I was lonely then and I am lonely now

but its so hard unlearning these behaviors

im really trying and I feel like ive made so much progress

i sometimes see that progress and it makes me happy

but sometimes

I stand in the shower

with the steaming water hitting my face

rewinding and reliving

events

comments

moments

and think how I am the source of my pain, my loneliness

and not some outer force

no one to blame

just me

I want genuine connection.

I want to show up because I love you

I love being around you.

I want to be there for you

I want to be there to celebrate your wins

I want to be there when you are going through a rough time

I want to be there to experience life with you.

I want to be present

I’m present now.

I don’t live in my head anymore

Why is it not working?

I’ve been trying so hard to be present

but its too late ,

im outside this large bubble

inside are all the people

encapsulated with this warmth:

genuine love

this bubble

i see it now,

pushing through the soapy thick film is impossible

It feels forced.

I feel it.

you feel it.

and if i stop trying for one second

pushing my palms through the bubble

just for one second

 i pop back out the bubble where i started

Alone.

except this time, the force of the bubble pushes me to ground.

 Pointing out, mocking

how dumb my efforts are

how I am still the same person begging for validation.

pathetic, narcissist, toxic, no self respect

now I’m alone and feel disgusted with myself.

Great.

I’ll get back up and pick up the remains of me

i'll try again in hopes I can reach you

But deep down

i think i know

its too late cause

im missing something

im scared i do know what it is

but it hurts too much to say

Author's Note

just wrote this in between classes, crying at the lib no biggie haha (ignore grammar mistakes)

was inspired by a friend I used to have that posted again on ig for first time in years... seeing her and the comments and her replies back. I ve been trying so hard to be friends with her but it just feels like its too late. Commenting or reaching out feels like im imposing and she doesn't want me. it just hurts.