Just ask the fish

Madness or just old age

"Just ask the Fish!"

 

I'd almost reached home when I saw the flashing blue lights in my rear view mirror. I walked faster.

"Keep up Monty, we'll be late. They're nearly there."

The monkey ignored me of course; he still hadn't forgiven me for selling the nuts. I reached the house to speak to the Policeman.

"It's me, Officer, It's me. I'm the one who called you."

"Who are you?"

"It's my house, I called you about the break-in."

"Where have you been?"

"I couldn't get back from the Library in time, I rushed all the way. I wanted to hail a taxi but I am unable to turn at the neck."

"Ok. That would explain the mirror on your hat but how did you…I tell you what why don't you just start from the beginning and explain all this to me."

"I was at the Library."

"And what happened at the Library?"

"I wanted to withdraw a book. No, no, no, that’s not the truth. I initially had to return a book. 'Offan Muncrue'. I wanted to withdraw the next in the series, fabulous!"
"I'm sure sir but what is the link between the library and the man in the car over there?"

I screwed my face up. "I don't believe I've met the chap in the car."

"I thought you'd phoned us to tell us that he was breaking in to this house."

"It's my house."

"I realise that. How did you know that your house was going to be burgled tonight?"

"He told me."

"Who told you?"

"The chap who was going to burgle it, you had him by the collar as I turned the corner. I would have been earlier but the monkey is rather even paced, I believe it concerns the size of the legs." Pause. "I don't believe I got your name."

"Small, my name is PC Small."
"I say that’s rather inappropriate, you are a large."

"That’s very kind of you but if we can just clear this up. You say that he told you that he was going to break in to your house. Do you know him?

"He was in the Library, I saw him and thought he looked rather shifty. I sidled over to him, peeked over his shoulder and to my surprise he was not only reading 'Horace Gain' but in my humble opinion probably his best novel. You may not agree but then you don't strike me as a 'Gainer' as they call themselves. I see you as." Pause. "You sir read William, no, I've got it, Erik Lundgren. His middle name may be Wordsmith, he could write a dictionary that I would read from cover to cover and hang on every word, 'Sponges and cinnamon', I think you will agree, is possibly the finest literary work of the late nineties."

"Yes but what did the man say to you in the Library?"
"Initially we discussed wine," I huffed. "He was adamant that wine was wine was wine, Tosh! I exclaimed, just ask the fish! I have to tell you that the conversation became somewhat heated."

"Sir, I will have to ask you to be more specific. I need to know how you knew he was going to burgle your house. How did he come to tell you?

"Well, we spoke at length and he revealed how he made his living, he was, as you say, a burglar. I asked him why he was telling me and he said that I was mad. I must say I was taken aback, I may have been a touch miffed following the disagreement over the wine but I was in no way angry and I want that on record. Anyway, I decided to do my bit. I told him that I knew of a house where the owner was on holiday and he was well to do."

"Your house?"

"Precisely."

"This probably wasn't the best way to help sir. He might have come to your house on another night."

"Oh no, I told him that the chap was to return tomorrow."

"Lets just say you were lucky, I wouldn't advise you to do this again."

The Policeman moved away for a time. I decided to get my story straight before he returned, which he did presently.

"He says you told him to break into your house."

"Brennan, you know him don't you. I'm ashamed that I misplaced his name earlier, an artiste of such repute that no less a light than Michelangelo Rubin called him the 'King of the Stage'."

"Did you tell him to break into your house?"
"Of course I did."

"We may have problems in charging the young man. He is adamant that he was only acting on your instructions. He says that he met you here, you were having trouble getting into your house and he offered to help. You asked him to wait while you got a ladder; you were gone for some time and the next thing he saw were the Police cars. Is this what happened?"

I raised my hand to my chin, "do you know that may be what happened. I do get confused sometimes."

"Sir, do you have someone to look after you?"

"I am in the process of training the Monkey but we're having difficulty with the exact phrasing of 'sit!' I would suggest caution if you enter the house."

"I'll tell you what, you go in and put the kettle on, I'll deal with the young man, tie up all the loose end and you can tell me everything over a cup of tea."

"I say, what a splendid idea, you can meet Boris."

He walked away without asking about Boris, would there be enough time before he had to leave, I hurried the Monkey along.

 

Author's Note

Pull no punches! I wrote it when I was very, very drunk.