What Has Happened

A story about a boy . . .

        Humming softly to myself, I walked quickly down the dark lane. I was coming towards the part that made me uneasy. My breath started coming in short bursts. Crap, I thought, Not here, please, God, not here. God was asleep that night. . .         I woke later on in the night, when all the street lamps had been switched off, having no recollection of what had passed. It was always like that. It would come back later, in my nightmares, or in short spurts while I was awake. My whole body ached. I tried not to think about what my mouth was dripping with. I looked at where I was, not remembering where I had passed out. That was something funny, no matter where it happened, I always ended up where it started. It was probably a survival trait.        

 

I quickly observed my surroundings, yes, there was the house, the car that had been there before was gone, that means that some a*****e saw me here and left, or I hadn’t returned yet. I hate people. That was one of the reasons He had chosen me. That Man. I hate him more than anyone else, which was almost sort of relieving, when I realized it. I had always hated my parents for abandoning me in that hellhole of an orphanage. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for them, which made it worse, because I knew that I was better than anyone else. I was smarter, faster and stronger than anyone I had ever met before. That’s why I always played the part of the moron. I was the joker, the one who was always liked. I had them all fooled. While the star student was making straight A’s, I was close to failing. The kids were the easiest to fool, the teachers less so. But whenever one of them would suspect something, I would give them a smile, say something that was suitable for a retard, and walk away. I could have been anything I wanted, could have held the world in my hands, but what I wanted was to find my parents. It would have been hard to do what I needed to with the whole world watching. What I wanted was to show them that I was everything that they could have wanted and to prove to them how wrong they were for abandoning me. I was genius status. Only that Man recognized it. I could tell that we were alike. I didn’t know how, but I would find out.         

 

He came to the orphanage one day with his wife, a pretty little thing. They explained to the headmaster what they were looking for, said that they were my parents and wanted me back. This sort of thing was not uncommon, and the headmaster immediately complied with their wishes, going against all protocol, handing me over in a single day. I didn’t care. I knew they weren’t my parents. When you’re like me, you can tell these sorts of things. The wife was going to be little trouble, but the Man unsettled me. In the car, they introduced themselves, not as my parents, but as scientists. The man’s name was Gerard, his wife’s was Emily. This is good, I had thought, they’re telling me this because they knew I was not fooled. They recognize this and respect it. It was also a little alarming. These people knew I was different, but not why. Neither did I, but what did I care? As long as I wasn’t like everyone else, I would be happy. I wish I had never thought that. This man would make me different forever.         

 

When we reached our destination, I was unsurprised. We were at some sort of laboratory. I went with them without complaint, unaware of where they were taking me. I was in a trancelike state, inside the wife’s head, whispering treacherous thoughts to her. The man was untouchable and I was going to have to work fast with the wife, before he caught on to what I was doing. I had only done this on one other occasion. It was to protect a person, the only person I would ever call friend. His name was David. I’ll see him again, I promised myself. Distracted just a little by the stray thought of Dave, I went back to work on the wife. You don’t want to do this, I whispered. He’s only using you. He will kill you and steal the research that you helped him with. He will claim it all for his own. I had no clue what I was talking about. There was no research; I was merely planting thoughts into her head. She started throwing worried looks in his direction and he recognized it and smiled. Why is this so easy? I thought to myself. I should have stopped then. But I kept on whispering to her. I would have her before they left. Emily turned around and Gerard took his chance, pulling a gun from the folds of the coat and shooting her. I kept my composure, not even blinking at the shots. My thoughts were in disarray, now, I hadn’t had the time to pull out before he killed her and now I was slow. The scientist looked at me. “You’re SO much better than I had hoped,” he smiled cruelly. My thoughts were enough together that I recognized the smile. It was my smile. The one I used when I was most pleased with the turn of events. My thoughts raced even faster, I only had a little time before I would black out. What is this man? were my last before I slept.

Author's Note

Any constructive criticism is MORE than welcome. I have NEVER written a story before. By no means is this complete. It's only part 1. I don't know where it's going, or where it came from. PLEASE let me know what you think. Yes, I know it's not particularly scary, I'm hoping to change that soon. Let me know what you think, so that I can figure out if I'm gonna drop it, or keep going.

Reviews

[THE BLACK SEAL]

i think overall you have the right idea. it is not that bad at all for coming from someone who says that they do not write and this is their first outing.
I think you need to check the grammar quite a bit, and re hash out some of the lines for a better flow, but again i say that it really is not that bad. you should be proud.. you have taken s step into a much larger world.
Just learn and take pointers and use criticism to get better.

[BenightedWhispers]

Excellent work. It is mysterious and exciting. I agree with Black seal and Ray. They took the words out of mouth. Over all fantastic work.

[L.V. Ana]

All in all, I like the story. It's intriguing. I want to know what happened during that period of time that he can't remember.

Some problems/queries/issues:

"the car that had been there before was gone, that means that some a*****e saw me here and left, or I hadn't returned yet" - This is confusing. What does he mean by some a*****e had seen him and left? And what does he mean by, "I hadn't returned yet?" Just some things you might consider addressing if you choose to continue this story.

"I had always hated my parents for abandoning me in that hellhole of an orphanage." - This should be the beginning of a new paragraph. Otherwise it's confusing...it's like you're changing the subject without finishing the old subject.

"I was in a trancelike state, inside the wife's head, whispering treacherous thoughts to her." - You might want to either allude to the fact that he can drop thoughts into people's heads earlier in the piece, or rewrite this so that it introduces it, because otherwise it's slightly confusing. Other than that, I like the new turn of the story. It makes me even more curious as to what's going on, and makes me want to read more.

"Emily turned around and Gerard took his chance, pulling a gun from the folds of the coat and shooting her." This is somewhat too fast, almost. It seems like there should be something more in there...or perhaps just expand on it later to explain this further.

All in all, the story is good, especially for someone who's never written a story before. Excellent job, and I look forward to reading more.