Nine Eleven

A True story that illustrates the savage nature of life.

Some things have to be seen to be believed; this February afternoon is no exception. Today there’s a canary-blue sky and bright-white sun hot on my skin. I set "Smarty-Pant's cage outside on the deck railing by the bird feeder. By late-afternoon my son Andrew's cockatiel, had already summoned an outdoor aviary for his rendition of the entire theme song from The Andy Griffith show. 

That was before the backyard fell eerily silent as every songbird in the area fled for thorny underbrush. In the shade and shadows of the grand oaks, the sharp talons and chestnut eyes of a resident Cooper's Hawk fixed his gaze on Smarty-Pants, certain his pastel feathers of contrasting indigo and yellow served as mere wrapping to the warm flesh beneath. The only reality that stood between the villain-and-victim was the confidence Smarty-Pants must have felt inside the security of his wire cage. 

Dipping his head, the hawk lurched into a dive, talons first,  With more precision than quickness, he knocked the cage open onto the decking. A cage and a cockatiel lay open, frozen in fear, as the hawk dropped from directly overhead, pinning Smarty-Pants to the deck floor, sinking his talons in deep and lifting off with its prey mercifully whistling the Andy Griffith theme song much louder and insistent than ever before.

Author's Note

true story, metaphoric to 911

Reviews

[Cherrie]

Very good I could see the story unfold and your images were clear and vivid.

We seen something like that once we were on the front porch watching a young bird crying for his parents all the other birds vanished but this young bird just kept crying all the louder, when a hawk came ripping through the trees with his wings pinned back. In one lightning motion he snatched the bird and redirected his path till gone. At times nature is hard but it is always an amazing sight.

[A.V. Bozic]

Ok, you asked. First, there seems to a trend to what folks are calling flash fiction. Mostly I think its a cop out, but no real judgement, to each his own. If that is what yoy were doing, then disregard.

Great story and your means of telling is perfect, your words are mostly good. That said.
You could have done more with the setting, describe the scene. Describe the activity leading to the bird being outside. Bring in some tension. Was there any proir worry about danger? If no, use the prosaic, nonthreatening as a backdrop to the sudden violance.
As to sequence, was the narrator on the porch the whole time? If so or not describe what he was doing up to the moment. How did he miss the warning signs? Why did he not help?

Well, you get what I'm saying.

[A.V. Bozic]

Do you really want critique?