Angry Voices

They want to burst out

 

The violent thoughts in my head

They scream! They shout!

I want them all dead!

 

They want me to kill

Make them feel pain

Make their blood spill

Am I insane?

 

Sure they smile

But soon they will cry

And all the while

Inside I will die.

 

Iwill bring them down

Everyone with me

They will all drown

In my misery.

 

A gun or knife

Is all I need

To end their life

And be freed.

 

Those voices all tell

Of lies and deceit

They make me want to yell

And admit defeat.

 

Which is really me?

I am more than one

What can I be?

The moon or sun?

 

I am in two

The sunset and the dawn

There is nothing I can do

I am already gone.

Author's Note

review appreciated

Reviews

[PianoandPage]

your ryhmes aren't that bad. the thing i find annoying about strict ryhming like this abab format is that it really forces your hand sometimes and thoughts can sound akward like joints bending the wrong way. :)

still though i think you pull it off better than most here who opt for this particular style.

the ideas you present are nice and dark. the idea of taking down the voices in your head by commiting suicide is tragic and also gothic. you could do a lot with this.

parts of the poem seemed a little inconsistant. this isn't necessarily a bad thing.... after all the subject is desperate and so at one point is defiant and angry and then a few lines down, hopeless and despairing. may i suggest adding a line or two to segway between the opposite extremes?

otherwise i thought some of your lines were very good.... especially

"What can I be?
The moon or sun?
I am in two
The sunset and the dawn" - that's very cool. especially sunset and dawn as great metaphors for hope and despair.

i personally think you could work this into an excellent rewrite and if you are open to challenges i'd even love to see you rewrite this either as a short story or as a free verse poem that has absolutely no ryhme and see what comes out.

hope my comments help!

[Dory]

Great poem. It really sounds like you meant it. I really get this poem so I love it. I like the style, too.

[just is]

Straight and to the point
I love your rhyming scheme
this is well written
I like your style
It's real.

[ATG]

That was a great poem. Very dark. Very interesting. Short, sweet, and to the point. It had a good flow to it. None of the lines felt too long. Just the right length. You have a great rhyming ability.

Great job. Keep up the good work.