The things we see and do

A Story by Blackstone124

A short story

When we are young its hard to understand all of the things that happen around us and to be able to see that's just how life is. Instead we build a fantasy of how we want to see the work of how we want things to be. Unfortunately no one can make us understand in that moment that while some dreams we can achieve through hard work and dedication that the devil truly is in the details and those details are most likely not always under our control.

Happiness a small and simple word that can conjure up a myriad of thoughts each different for every person that may see it, but for me something I have no idea on how to achieve. I say this not out of sadness or the wanting of pity but for the simple reason as I have no clue how to erase my past and to gain that unfiltered happiness I once knew as a younger man. And that's where I will begin as a younger man I didn't know my father was taken away from my mother in early adolescents, but that's not where it all started to fade.

I wasn't a nobody but at the same time not the most popular kid in school. As with many things I was somewhere in the middle. Things did change when I met my then and now best friend in middle school. He made me realize that we all have our issues and not one of us lives that perfect life. He also taught me how to stand up for myself and to find my own self worth and not let someone else define it for me.

As we all know adults looking back on our youth of course things where easier the level of responsibilities and hard ships can not even be fathomed early on but I was about to get a crash course on hard ships all too sooner then I realized.

I had this urge to be part of something bigger than myself from a very young age. I wanted to serve. I wanted to be a soldier and the day I turned 18 I did exactlty that. I signed my name on that doted line and never looked back. All I ever tried to do was be the best I could in the position I was given and I loved it. The training most definately sucked at times but looking back it was some of the best and fullfilling days of my life. To be part of a team to be working towards a common goal to have purpose thats where I remember being happy.

While in my training towards the end is when I received my orders, IRAQ. This was very early in the war and not much was really understood about our enemy at that time. What I mean is we had only heard rumours of their savage tactics. I was young all I knew was that I was going to serve my country and help and protect those that could not protect themselves. It felt so righteous I felt invincible. I had no idea of the horrors to come.

On the flight into the country was one of my more fond memories. I was asleep next to all the guys in my unit. We were coming in on a military air craft when I was awaken to the flight crew moving quickly around the air craft. Its one of the instincts you have and you know something was happening. I had never expeirenced a combat landing before. We went from twenty thousand plus feet in the air to the ground in about 30 seconds. At first you feel the plane pitch down your stomach makes a new home somewhere between your ears and then you see things start to float for a split second and you cant help but smile in that moment. The pilot then pulls back hard on the stick and you feel all the weight of the G-forces press upon you and boom you hear the scretching on the tires on the ground.

I was so excited, nervous anxious and of course scared about what my future in that country held for me. I was surronded by some of the best men I knew. They where hard on me as they should of been I was still a child and had no life experience. I felt like everyones little brother. Still I was happy I felt so proud to be a part of something like that to be able to say I gave all I could in the defense of freedom. Soon I would understand why I was there.

Not long after arriving we were given a mission where I finanlly saw what a human being was able to do to other human beings. That carnage and that suffering is where I fell that happiness as I knew it started to fade or change. Watching soldiers and civilians breath their last breaths as you fight to keep your composure and your mind tries to process what is happeining around you is something we all do in the moment but in the end is an impossible task. The sounds, smell and faces are all still there. No matter how much we try to look it down in a box and push it to our deepest darkest parts of our soul it can and will never just go away.

Honestly I dont think it should go away we all must have our reminders as to why we fight. What I think hurts us the most is not what we had to see or do its the price we had to pay for it all. Not only did we sacrifice our bodies but our souls it feels like. The reason I say soul and not mind is that minus those that where wounded with a traumatic brain injury we all come back and we are just as sharp as we where before we left but where there was once light "happiness" there is only a darkness from within. Its a living breathing animal inside each combat veteran. Once our mission is through and their no more missions for us to focus on this is when that animal wants to come to the surface and feed. Its wants to feed on any possible feeling other than the cold dark truth that is left of oneself. This is when you see us turn to alchol or drugs or any activities that will put us in a very diffrent state of mind. A state of mind where there is no feeling there is no hurt.

Fifteen years removed from my first tour I have still dedicated my life to service while I may not be in the military any more I have still found a way to serve. I love what I do and I am thankful for what I do. Some days its the only thing that keeps me in good spirits. I did what all soldiers do when they get home I found a woman that I loved and I did my best to love her. In the end the darkness won and I could no longer live that way. I could not find happiness even though I tried. Some of that was because of my own poor choices but some just felt like I was not deserving of it. So I left I wasnt going to be her problem anymore.

So what did I do I went and met another woman and even though I am older I still have the same issues but with time I have gotten better about managing it but all I ever feel like I do is hurt those around me that I love in my continued search for happiness. I just want to know how a man can work so hard to find something that he is told by everyone around his exsists but in point of fact is a mystery to himself.