Chapter 1

She opened her eyes, and still saw darkness. The dark surrounded her, even though she had a feeling things weren’t always this black. Occasionally, she saw flicks of a dull reddish orange hidden between streaks of red to blue to red again, but the black still encompassed her teddy, Roger, or her elephant, Ellie. No matter which way she turned or looked, it was all black and even though Roger was strapped in her left arm hook and Ellie was strapped in her right arm hook, they were invisible now. After minutes of dying to see Roger’s funny green nose and Ellie’s soft grey fur, or Mommy’s pretty, big smile, April started to worry. Anything was better than the dark. The boogieman lived in the dark. Shadows lived in the dark. April’s stomach started to churn and twist into knots of string cheese and a feeling rose up from the mess, up her throat, up in her baby-toothed mouth, through her missing two front toothed gap, to her lips where the taste of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich started to settle. But that didn’t stop her golden-green hazel eyes from the familiar burn of tears trying to free themselves. Tears rolled, and the pain April felt in her broken eyes, cleared her head. She came to realize the colorful world she was used to still was a black sheet, just plain black. The feeling circled back and April wondered where the colorful world disappeared to and when it would be coming back.

That was the day April lost her vision. And the day her world froze.

            In the following months April was subjected to therapists, psychologists, and optometrists of all rankings. She learned to adjust to a world of black and shadows and streaks of colors, which always gave her hope of seeing again. She learned to keep her head on straight and accept being a flightless bird (although she only somewhat accepted that fact). She learned how to listen to the specialist that guided her through space and she learned how to be a person again. But, her dreams were still in color.

As years past, the sun stained her coffee colored hair with rays of gold and red until it grew to the middle of her back. Her royal blue shaded glasses covered her clouded hazel eyes so that people wouldn’t be uncomfortable around her. She learned how to read through her ears and steer herself out of harm’s way with a walking stick instead, and then eventually a service dog. She learned how to breathe, in out in out. She learned how to learn in a real school with real friends with real drama, not for the blind, because she couldn’t believe she was blind forever. She learned how to see in and out of the black; sometimes grey blobs would start to form shapes and she grew hopeful because shapes meant objects and objects meant seeing. April’s five-year-old imaginative, colored world slowly faded into an occasional greyish, monochrome atmosphere of blobs, but she was okay with that as long as she could see it. At least for now it wasn’t always shades of black.

Reviews

[Zoë]

First of I all I would like to say that I don't mean for any of this to be rude or mean. I'm just voicing my opinions and recommending suggestions, so you don't have to listen to a single thing I say if you don't want to. But I hope you take my advice into consideration. Moving on!

This is really great! And I want you to know that the good definitely outweighs any bad, even if I may focus more on the bad. You are a great writer and your story is really interesting and creative, which means you have great potential. And, aside from this chapter being a little short and jumpy, it was amazing. It has me interested in the story and I can't wait to see what comes next. It also does a great job introducing your main character and starting to build her personality.

Now for the little critiques I have.
- I would suggest starting off the first sentence with April’s name instead of “she”. That will allow readers to grasp onto a name faster and link that name with a character. So basically what I mean is that it makes the story more personal quicker. That’s just my opinion, but if you like it with “she” or wrote “She” for a specific reason, keep it.

- “Occasionally, she saw flicks of a dull reddish orange hidden between streaks of red to blue to red again, but the black still encompassed her teddy, Roger, or her elephant, Ellie.” I just don’t like how this is written, it jumps around a tad too much for my liking and is a little confusing. I think if you split this into two sentences (two separate thoughts) it would make a lot more sense. “Occasionally she could see flicks of a dull reddish orange between streaks of red and blue. She looked all around but she couldn’t find her teddy, Roger, or her elephant, Ellie.” If you like this chance I would also suggest getting rid of the “looked” you use in the following sentence because it sounds weird with my changes.

- “up in her baby-toothed mouth, through her missing two front toothed gap,” Just a slight grammar problem with this sentence, I would suggest changing it to “up in her baby-toothed mouth, through the gap where she was missing her two front teeth,” I think that this would flow better in comparison to people getting caught up in the word “toothed”.

- “As years past, the sun stained her coffee colored hair with rays of gold and red until it grew to the middle of her back.” The main to things you focus on in this sentence don’t really go together. The sun shining on her hair has very little to do with the length of her hair, yet you have it written like one is responsible for the other, which doesn’t really make sense. I would suggest changing it to something like “As the years passed, her coffee coloured hair was stained with rays of gold and red from the sun until it reached the middle of her back.” Which is still a little confusing but I think it reads better than your original sentence… maybe.

- “She learned how to read through her ears and steer herself out of harm’s way with a walking stick instead, and then eventually a service dog.” I don’t think you need the “instead” in this sentence.

Like I said, these are just a few small things that I noticed while I was reading this, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. I hope these helped, and I hope I can read more later! This is a really interesting story you've got, and I can't wait to see what happens next.