Nights

My life right now

The music plays,

our heads all nod,

feet move seemingly

in slow motion,

bodies too close,

savage glee as talk to people

and others flirt with me,

laughter lows so easily,

but feels so hollow,

lost somewhere in my head,

feeling all alone.

Because you aren't here,

so neither is my joy,

even if you were we couldn't be truly

happy like i used to be,

we want the past but know that it can never

be that way again,

no drugs for me anymore,

but alcohol slows me down,

keeps my heart from aching,

my brain from speeding,

stops my eyes from crying,

and my wrists from bleeding.

So i dance,

i sing,

i flirt,

i laugh,

i drink,

anything to hide the pain of

what i really feel,

what i really think,

i can't let you see,

i must stay strong for you,

but i've been holding us for so long,

my arms ache and burn,

i need help,

but don't know which way to turn.

Ask how i do,

i lie and say fine,

then truthfully i say that

i'll make it,

because i do,

i always do,

i survive,

i outlast,

like my children,

my friends,

lovers,

i outlasted them,

they lie in cold dark coffins,

while i bask in the sunlight,

silently blaming myself,

for each and every death.

So i walk,

and i talk,

i keep my eyes open because

i hate what i see when they are closed,

during the parties,

during the dancing,

during the laughter,

during the day,

it's not so bad,

but at night,

when it's dark outside

and you turn off the lights,

i lie awake fighting the tears that come,

fighting the memories that sting and burn,

i hide from the eyes of friends,

beneath blankets,

they cannot see me weep,

cannot see how weak,

this strong man has become,

cannot see what life and love have done,

my father cannot know the things

that plague his son.

Lest he think me a monster,

no, you cannot know

the things i have done,

there are those in the afterlife,

sent there by yours truly,

and so i must fight,

continue to live and help,

it is my duty.

Every morning i awaken,

happy that the night is over,

that i have made it,

but dreading the day ahead,

hating myself a bit more,

because i cannot shake the memories,

the bloodshed,

the drugs,

the services as a w***e,

they weigh me down,

and i cannot help enough to wipe these things free,

to wipe myself clean,

so i walk,

i run,

i down whiskey,

vodka,

and rum,

hiding myself

amongst the jokes.

When the fun is over,

and the friends head home,

we all part ways,

my resolve splinters a little,

if you look closely you might see it,

it cracks,

another split through the man in the mirror,

because i know what this means,

i must go back home, 

alone,

back to the nights filled with pain,

back to the eyes bursting with hateful pain.