Vincente's Lament (Nighthunter ministory)

Trouble follows after the NightHunterz attack a village of Dark Elves

Kuciel leapt from rooftop to rooftop, the NightHunters followed close behind, the pale skulls tattooed on their faces seeming to glow in the pale moonlight as their crimson eyes followed his every move. “Run elf! RUUN!!” One screamed as a rusty silver blade whipped past his head, shearing a lock of his silvery white hair off, Kuciel risked a quick glance over his shoulder, only twelve, he could handle that. He spun on a church steeple and launched himself through the air, slamming his feet into the chest of a nighthunter and slamming his palm into the chin of another as he fell.  The nighthunters rebounded off the side of the church, leaping into the air as their leathery wings snapped out catching the wind and dropping them to the ground safely. Kuciel drew his blade and slid into his stance, his feet disturbing the thick layer of fog covering the ground. Suddenly the sound of a myriad of flapping wings filled the air as red-eyed winged figures landed on nearby tree tops and the church. “More bloody vampires!” Kuciel mumbled in his native tongue, as he adjusted the enchanted leather armor that covered his thick purple skin. His alabaster eyes glared hatefully as the head of the NightHunters, Vincente, approached gleefully, his hunters and the mercenary vampires he had hired smiled cruelly. “Give it up little dark elf, and I will let you die peacefully. Prince or not, nothing can withstand the might of the Nighthunters!” He thrust his hands in the air victoriously and his loyal subjects yelled their approval. Kuciel smirked and tightened his grip on his sword as his left hand dug into a small hidden pouch on his hip. “No, you’ve heard the prophecy, we all have! A young warrior will stumble upon a great light, and he will destroy you! Now I don’t know about that great light, but I have own my “great light”! Áre!!!!” Kuciel shouted as he threw a small glass orb into the air, the orb shimmered then exploded, bathing everything in a golden glow as if flew into the sky. “Áre!” Kuciel shouted again, lighting his blade up with solar energy and leaping at the nearest vampire. The light instantly ignited any vampire caught in it as Vicente took to the air and Kuciel beheaded a hunter then stabbed another through the chest, his blade burning a hole in its chest. “KILL HIM!!” Vicente bellowed as the remainder of his subjects hissed at the dark elven prince in rage. “COME ON THEN!” Kuciel screamed as he slammed his foot into the chest of a vamp and threw a pulsing blade into the eye of another. He moved quickly and efficiently, his cutlass seeming to find vampiric flesh with shining swing as his lips constantly mumbled spells. 

Vincente watched the battle with disdain; this elf was MUCH stronger than he anticipated…he should have poisoned him like he did the father. “Never too late…” Vincente chuckled as he pulled a small glass container of swirling green gas from his cloak.

Kuciel had lost count of how many filthy bloodsuckers he had returned to the afterlife, the thick fog in the ground flowed seamlessly around piles of blackened ash, bone, and weapons. Kuciel grinned savagely and took off towards the cliffs; it was almost time for the sun to rise, it was beginning to look like he might actually be able to escape. He was close enough to see over the edge of the cliff, when suddenly something shattered by his feet and a thick green gas exploded around him, burning his eyes and his skin. Kuciel quickly shouted the necessary spell, expelling the gas as something pushed him forward; he looked down to see a thick silver blade protruding from his stomach and through his enchanted armor. Kuciel gasped as black blood bubbled from his mouth, his stomach felt cold, cold and numb as Vincente smiled and twisted the blade. ”See? I warned you, NONE can stand our might. Not. Even. You.” Vincente twisted the blade further with every word and Kuciel screamed as the searing pain exploded throughout his midsection. ”” There was a loud crack as Vincente drew his foot back and slammed it into Kuciel’s back with all his might, launching Kuciel’s body off of his blade and almost over the cliff. “Ugh…your disgusting blood soils my blade, I don’t even want to feed, it makes me want to retch!” Vincente sneered as he cleaned his blade with a thick cloth and made his way towards Kuciel as Kuciel pulled himself up onto the crumbling ledge. ‘Are you ready to taste defeat at the hands of your father’s killer? At the hands of a master vampire?” Vincente asked snidely as Kuciel dipped a hand into his pouch again, he had one more trick up his sleeve. “You are no master Vincente, you are a coward! A filthy! Bloodsucking! COWARD!!” Kuciel spat. Vincente roared in rage as he launched himself at the dark elf prince, Kuciel launched a small clear vial of holy water and acid as let go of the cliff and slid his body into a diving position. Vincente leaped for the elf, but a small glass vial shattered on his face, sizzling and bubbling as it melted the skin from his face in layers. “AAGH!! FILTHY DISGUSTING BASTARDO!!! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD YOU HEAR ME?? I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!” Vincente shouted as he took off into the night skies, Kuciel plunged into the icy depths as the sun rose, a strong mahogany hand clasped around his arm as he blacked out. “”You have been through much brother, but do not worry. You are safe now.”

Reviews

[Kelly Erickson]

Very well done. It would be much easier to read if you broke it up into paragraphs. Excellent descriptions of the action. Battle scenes are the most difficult to write but you have just about mastered it.

[Karleem Johnson]

Thank you very much :) As you have said, battle scenes are my strong point, it's my structuring that needs work

[natasha rawls aka "simo..]

I agree with previous review. Just work on structure and it will be a fun read. Very descriptive!

[little bad puppy]

oohh yummy. just structure and it will be tasty. love the imagery. maybe add some filling descriptors.