Vol 1. The Journals of Mark Erickson

A Story by Brian

The pilot to my series the Journals of Mark Erickson

The Journals of Mark Erickson
Sunday March 19th 2006

"Pilot"

I am feel like I’m watching the beginning of the end sometimes. Life is just passing me by right now. I spent a lot of time trying to work things out and win back my ex girlfriend Justine but you can only hit a brick wall so many times before you realize your forehead is bleeding and you’ve got that skull splitting head ache. As much as I liked this girl I pushed her away when all I wanted to do was pull her in closer and let her know the real me. I don’t know why I couldn’t fully trust her enough to actually let her know the real me. The relationship is dead now, and there is nothing I can do except figure out what went wrong.

Looking back on things I still realize that trust is a major part of my problems in life. I can’t seem to trust anyone for anything. There has to be a root cause for my trust issues and why I refuse to let people get close to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever know the exact reason as to why I don’t trust anyone, but looking back on events in my life I can see some situations that would have caused me to build a wall and isolate myself from people. There has to be a root cause to all of my problems, but what the hell is it?

A few years back there was this girl that I met and we really hit it off. We used to be able to sit on the phone and talk for hours on end. We started dating and things were going great, or so I thought. She moved away to college and we continued a long distance relationship and we’d try to see each other on the weekends. It turns out though that there were some problems and the trust I had in this particular individual was destroyed.

Going back further to my time in high school I was harassed and tormented by people who I thought were my friends. My parents house became a target for random acts of vandalism. The weekends became periods of time that I would dread rather than enjoy. Every car that drove by could have been that group of kids coming with another case of eggs to paint my house with. Every sound was a cause to rush to the window to make sure no one was outside. I don’t know why these people were so hell bent on making my life a living hell. To this day I still don’t know, and when I sit back and think about it, it frustrates me all over again.

My trust was easy to earn for most people and when it was violated I was too easy to forgive the people who broke that trust. Jesus said “seven times seventy seven” and what that meant was you were supposed to forgive your brother that many times. I don’t know if I ever took that saying to heart because while I will forgive someone to their face, I never really forgave them. Maybe that makes me a bad person, maybe it’s just Karma coming back to bite me in the a*s for not truly forgiving a person. Maybe it’s just a line of bullshit we feed to ourselves so we sleep better at night. I doubt that I’ll be able to truly ever to fully trust another person in my life.

It seems to me that everyone is out for personal gain in life. You can go anywhere and look at someone looking back at you. You’re thinking how you can screw that person over at the same time they are wondering how they screw you over. It’s almost like we’re looking into a mirror wondering how can we trick ourselves today and make the world seem like a bright and wonderful place.

Maybe I need to look forward instead of always looking backwards over my shoulder. I should stop lying to myself and I should be able to trust myself before I ever consider trusting anyone else. Once I stop lying to myself maybe I’ll be able to listen to someone and believe they are really telling me the truth instead of them having some sort of ulterior motive. Then people could know the real me.

M.E