I don't know if this qualifies as poetry. I wanted to write about my first heartbreak. I have never liked writing in diaries because for me I have to tell someone my feelings for me to feel better. So I'm telling all of you on here. Excuse any mistakes as I literally just wrote this piece, except for the parts in quotations as those are previous pieces.
Him
"His smile is the first thing that catches your eyes. It is wide and stretches his lips across his face to make a perfect grin. His teeth are as straight as can be and a pearly white. His smile illuminates his whole face and draws you in, making him look inviting and warm. The next thing you would notice are his blemishes, they are blurry to me as all I see is him. They are beautiful because they are apart of him. His skin is a tan olive color and glows either a pale yellow or blue because of the computer screen he is always sitting in front of. It makes him look unearthly and utterly handsome. Someone that is possibly not real. The light makes his dark eyes blaze and glow, inviting you in with their happiness. He is almost always happy and as a result it shows in and around him. I see it, hanging above him and brightening his smile and his eyes. It's a part of him. He is my happiness. His eyes, oh his eyes. They are so emotional and play such a part in his character. His eyes are easy to read. They glow when they are happy, almost an amber light to them and you can practically see the light pouring out of his eyes. But when he is sad they darken and turn bottomless, drawing you in to feel their pain. His eyes are beautiful when the tears leak down his face which is so contradicting that something so beautiful can be the result of something that hurt him. His hair is like his eyes, dark and full. It's messy and doesn't stay in one place all the time. Sometimes it is covered with a hat and when he takes it off it is flat and very laughable. I prefer it without the hat. His voice is my favorite thing, along with his beautiful soul. To others he has an accent and may sound odd but to me he sounds wonderful and his voice can calm me on days when I am upset. And oh, if you could hear his laughter it would make your heart flutter from the pure joy it contains. His laugh is loud and obnoxious and makes my smile widen so much my cheeks hurt. He would make you laugh. He is kind and happy, wonderful, amazing, funny and so many other simple words I could describe him with. But you will never see him as I do, someone so much more than those simple words. They are only words to describe his person, but oh he is so much more than them. He is sunshine and light on the dark days when no hope can be seen. He is someone who no one could ever deserve and would be so very lucky to meet. He is otherworldly and I wish that I could be describing to you how he is in person but for right now I won't because right now I stare at him from the other side of a phone screen."
A year ago I met a boy. My friends and I had been fooling around on omegle one night, as is per usual with teenage girls, and we came across two German boys. One had periwinkle blue eyes and light brown hair with tan, unblemished skin. He was the attractive one, and the one who my friends paid the most attention to.
The other had dark brown hair that could pass for black. It was thick and I remember wanting to know what it felt like. His eyes were big and brown, just the right shade of brown where it caught the light and turned amber. His face was covered in blemishes that were very noticeable and you could tell he was insecure about them. However his smile made up for it. His lips stretched tight against his skin whenever he laughed and his teeth were white and perfectly straight.
That night I only got glimpses of the boy I would soon fall deeply in love with. He was shy and quiet, obviously nervous to be talking to us. We all had shared some simple information about us. Like how old we were and when our birthdays were. And oh god, as soon as the words came out of the his mouth, I knew. I knew we would have something, knew we would be connected in some way.
Our birthdays were one day apart. The time difference between us also made it so that while it was still his birthday, it became mine too. It was a special connection we would share and think about for the next year.
We talked the next day. Him, his friend, and myself. We all became good friends and we stayed so for about a month. Then it became just him and I. We figured out a schedule to talk, and as soon as I got out of school at 3 pm I would FaceTime him. We talked for hours and hours.
And soon the blemishes became blurry in my eyes and I didn't seem them, I saw him. He wasn't the most attractive boy in the world but throughout the next year to me he was. I can't explain it at all but everyday he looked more and more handsome to me and I couldn't get enough of him.
We talked almost everyday for 11 months straight. He became the single most important person in my life. We fell asleep together, thousands of miles separating us, but technology allowing us this special connection.
I had never said the words "I love you" before to someone other than my family. Neither had he. We were each other's first loves. Every moment of the day I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see him and hear his voice, see his eyes turn amber. I couldn't sleep at night unless I heard his clock ticking in his room or his tiny little snores, or his turtles knocking up against the glass of their home.
I grew close to his parents and his sister, something I had never achieved with my own family. My
phone was always on a low percentage because of the constant face-timing.
Our relationship soon grew to the point where I could not walk out the house without seeing him somewhere or in something. His favorite color was green and anytime I saw it I wanted to have it, to have something that he liked. When I went to the grocery store all I could imagine was walking through it with him, picking out healthy foods to make for dinner.
I could see it all. I could see us getting married. See us moving in together and growing old with one another. But I had always been the realist one and him the imaginative one.
He was a year younger than me and while I was in my final year of school he still had three more to go. I was ready to go onto the next stage of my life and he wasn't. We lived four thousand miles away from each other and traveling isn't cheap. We had never had another experience in love or relationships before each other and it was hard to not have someone who you so desperately wanted.
I don't know if that's what tore us apart. The fact that it would be a long long time before we ever would actually get to meet or see each other. But I do know that a month ago he said he would talk to me when he was feeling better. And in a way I felt like that was a weird goodbye.
I was right. It was a weird goodbye. And for the last month I have stayed up until the early mornings crying and becoming numb to feelings and then doing it all over again. I have taken countless baths and risen the cost of the water bill just so I could feel warm for once.
He soon unfollowed me. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong or explain anything.
I found myself scrolling through the account we had made for our relationship. It was a place we could share things with each other when we couldn't talk.
I read through the paragraphs I had wrote him. He had always loved and hated when I did because he did not know English well enough to write like me. But he tried. I wrote him lots of things. Like these:
"I don't know when it happened. But maybe I do. Maybe it was the first day that I was doing something with my family, something as simple as going to the grocery store. And I had a sudden wish that you were there with me, just to walk around. Or maybe I knew I loved you when I almost said it before we hung up. Perhaps it was that time after I had been so nasty to you and you still tried your best to make me happy. I don't think I can pick the exact day or hour in which I fell for you because I fall for you all the time, over and over again. I find new ways to love you. I love you when I'm at the store and I see an Arizona tea bottle and it reminds me of you. When I see the colors green, red, or yellow I fall for you each time a little harder. They make me think of you. I love you when we're talking and all the sudden I can't help but stare at you because you make me so happy. You have found a way to be apart of everything in my life. I can't go anywhere without seeing you in something, whether it's the little kids running around outside because their energy makes me think of you or when I'm cooking and I want you to try it and I want to learn new recipes to cook vegan for you. I love you when you cry, because you trust me enough to be that vulnerable. I love you when you piss me off because no other person makes me want to simultaneously want to wring their neck and smile. No, I don't know when it happened. All I know is I keep falling in love with you more and more everyday, as cliche as that sounds."
And then he responded with this:
"I don't even know, what to say to that. I love you. I love everywhere, all the time, while I do and think about anything. I can't get you out of my mind and I don't even want to."
His response was simple and short and sweet but it is something I have cherished since he wrote it. He had never been good with expressing his feelings in words and those few lines meant the absolute world to me. We would do that often, write about our feelings almost like poetry. I think that is why I write this right now.
I have always written my feelings out and shared them. But I can't do that with him anymore and so I share it with you.
Later on in our relationship I wrote him a paper. A love letter if you will. It's something I will always be proud of and cherish because it showed exactly how much I cared about him. I showed you all at the beginning of this. It was titled "Him". He told me I would never understand how much it meant to him but I do because he meant so much to me.
Last night I decided I couldn't take the many nights of crying over someone who I know in my heart I wouldn't talk to again. I couldn't take the tired days or the numb ones either. So I made him a video, and told him every thing I felt. I told him how I laid awake at night. I didn't tell him how I missed the ticking of his clock and his little snores.
I told him how I missed telling him about my day and hearing about his. I didn't tell him that once he left me I didn't tell anyone else how my days were.
I told him goodbye. I didn't tell him how I didn't want it to be goodbye, but maybe see you later. And then he responded with a sorry and I miss our relationship and I wish I could tell you all what he exactly said but I am not ready to share that because it is still processing in my heart and mind.
I made him one last video this morning. It's the only way I could talk to him, to get him to listen. I told him I didn't want any future contact as he had requested the night before. I didn't tell him I had started saving for a plane ticket two weeks ago. I deposited the money back into my checking account today.
I told him goodbye for the last time and I didn't even get to do it while seeing his face. No, I told him goodbye as I stared right back at my own in the phone camera. I saw the tears rolling pathetically down my cheeks and trailing down my throat. I saw the way my throat gulped as I tried to make my voice not break. I saw it all, and I wish he had been there as I made this video.
But I know if he had, I wouldn't be writing this right now and him and I would be stuck in an endless loop of wanting more and never being able to have it.
I told him that he wasn't something to be hated, or someone not to tell others of. God no. I didn't tell him that he was the best thing to have happened in my life in the last few years. He has been a lesson, a good and bad one. He is someone I will tell my children and grandchildren about and he will always own a piece of my heart.
And oh boy, is heartbreak hard. It has torn me apart again and again only to put me back with the smallest of seams. But what I learned most is that heartbreak isn't always this good to you. It may be only once in your life that someone breaks your heart and yet they are still the good in the dark and you would give your heart to them again because they treated it with care.
He was my good heartbreak. A good lesson. A good person. I can only wish him the best in life and hope he can find closure like I have.
Thank you for listening to me.
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