cherish

lay down with me by candle light/
i will stay strong as long i hold you tight/
open up my heart so i can give it to you/
i will make endless efforts/
because i just want to love you i send everything else away/
kneeling down i fall at your feet again/
i feel it deep within burning just a little bit more/
wake me up/ raise me up/
i always fail to see the little things in front of me/
so often im illprepared
and so f*****g scared to show how i really feel/
i am the mess you chose/
even though there are chapters i cannot close/
here is my heart gift wrapped in your hands/
a present more fragile than glass and tarnished/
with each passing day you put it together again

Reviews

[Ethan Leon]

Now, I do like this, but it sounds more like a lyrical song than a poem. Now, normally this would be good (to me at least,) but I think it needs more structure,

I love the playful, yet half-serious discussion that appears to be taking place within the poem. It reminds me of a sort of love letter, and that is what makes it fascinating.
Now, I must begin to pick, I do think you've used a few phrases, and a few words, that can probably be found on every 6/10 poems on this site.
Not a bad thing at all times, but I think one can discuss an old subject while making it new in a quirky, fun way. And I definatly love the quirky quality it seems to have twisted thinly without it. Also, I think that length is always a plus when it comes to writing, not to long, not to dramatic, but a nice stew of both, something that leaves the reader questioning.
So while I like it, I think it needs to be a bit more polished, and when you do edit it, I hope that you'll post it again so that I'll have a chance to shower it with praises.

But oh well, good job, and if you do happen to like my review, please don't hesitate to read a few poems of mine, and possibly review them.

[Brandon Lee Burton]

nice phrasing :) keep it up