Dear "JOHN"

Spilled it. .

Dear JOHN,

          You know, I've always wanted to tell you things. Things I've kept inside ever since. I've always wanted to let you know that you look cute when you look sleepy. How's that for a start?

Well, here goes. 

You look adorable when you're being introduced to someone new as you try to be polite...your eyes getting bigger, your lips making their way into a smile. You know we always tell you that you could really use a smile once in a while. Suits you even. I've always wanted to let you know that you smell nice everytime. Actually, as weird as it may sound, I can smell you from anywhere. It's kind of creepy to think that you could be anywhere around me 'cause I sure can smell you but I like it. It makes me miss you less.

           And just so you know, I miss you all the time. Sometimes it gets crazy like you know what they say about closing your eyes and you see that someone? Crazy but true. I could actually see you.

            And for the record, you are not pathetic. Just because guys actually have a thing for you doesn't mean there aren't girls out there who do. Heck, you wouldn't even be reading this if there aren't.

            Well, yeah.

           Half of me would like to believe that it isn't impossible for us but the other half's sad and hurting because for all I know you just might not be over her. Whoever she is. Not that I’m saying you should be. I don't even know who I'm up against.

         But it doesn't matter because I LOVE YOU no matter what. Even if you won't see me the way I see you. Even if it's just me until the end. It doesn't matter. Because that's what love is and you said so yourself. You love and that is all. There is no such thing as ‘loving for nothing’.

          Now this is kind of weird. Things are being mixed up here. You see, you've got this effect on me. I have this tendency of focusing on you and I remember all these things about you in an instant. Heck I wish I could do that with my studies.

           Anyways, I want to ask you one thing. After reading this, after learning about this, what would you do? Avoid me? Pretend like nothing happened? Or would you scream at my face, "PATHETIC!". I honestly wouldn't mind you calling me pathetic because I think that's what I've been this whole time ever since you happened.

           Could it be more pathetic than listening to you letting your heart out about her saying you're not just some guy who'd forget the little things like holding hands and riding the ferris wheel for the first time? Or telling me that you could have made it happen between you two only that you wouldn't want the girl to look easy. So much for being a gentleman which by the way, one of the things I like in you. Could it even get more pathetic than me smiling even after hearing you say this other girl hasn't even left your mind ever since you two met?

          To tell you the truth, I died inside that night. My heart was already gasping for life when you're going off, telling me stuff more than my heart can handle. Then if it's not enough, you asked me, "What is it in you, that makes me want to tell you everything?" To which I pathetically answered, "It's because I'm your friend. And you can tell me anything. I bet you've always wanted to talk about this, just haven't found the right person to listen".

         Well, there goes my heart.

                 

But you know what I'm really afraid of happening after you learning all these? It's not that I'm afraid you'll avoid me, neither it is that you'll be indifferent(well that could be a blow but whatever). What I'm afraid is that you'll think that my friendship was a lie. That I did all of that with you just because I like you. No John. Yes,  I like you but more than anything else I am your friend. So like you or not I would still drink choc-o with you, go to komikon with you, share stories with you, eat ice cream with you, laugh at you when gays send you weird messages, walk the long way with you, listen to you, talk the night away with you. Even if that's all I'll ever be to you, I'm still glad. Because like I said, more than anything else, I am your friend.

Always here,

GRAY

Author's Note

Typing it here I realized how seriously pathetic I am. :/