Guilt

I live away from home with my younger brother and a friend. Like any other gay individual my lifestyle also stresses on hiding in the filthy closet of homophobia. Helpless, as a few of us are, in Indian society of being 'the' homosexual.

There's guilt of lying, and at the same time fear of getting exposed. For people like me, 'the' Site is helping to keep our identity to ourselves or limited to a society or a group of people and at the same time enjoying the secretive new moments in this life, which I call being the real me moment.

But using theSite or any gay dating site on a common computer is difficult, have to take care of many things.

When you surf these sites you have to make sure no one's around. 

I am not a huge fan of the gay porn but sometimes the mood drives and those sites are paid visits.

Surfing History is to be taken care of, all the footprints have to be erased from the computer before signing off. It is tough and mundane task but have to be done without fail.

My job includes working in night shifts, unlike others I am sharing my place with. So, the only quite and private time I get is when I come back from office early morning and others are in sound sleep. I spend this time talking to fellow gay guys online on gay dating sites. Once done I clear the internet history and happily go to bed. But problem with these gay dating sites is they have very fancy and offensive names.

One such day, I checked the site and forgot to clear the loose ends.

Next morning, when I came back from office and started the computer,  I was shocked to see the name of the gay dating site in the recently visited web pages. Holy F**k! I am screwed.

Everyone was sleeping sound, did not know whether they noticed a strange site in the visited pages or not. History showed not just the Site visited but the profiles I visited and hardcore profile pictures. I was scared. This is it! My cover is blown. My friends may be laughing at me or ashamed of me.

I deleted the history which was useless if they already know about me and switched off the computer. While in bed I played different versions of reactions of my brother and my friend. I couldn't sleep at all.

I could not think about a single positive thing that could happen because of this. This is the harm that society's doing to our thinking process by abhorring the homosexuals. 

I shouldn't, but I was feeling so so guilty. How could I be so irresponsible! this is the one thing I have to keep from home, I couldn't do that.

Later, I realized no matter what happens I will be Guilty either of being a homosexual or of the fact that I will have to hide it from my family and friends.

But it's damn right, being gay is tough.