The Train

Exactly what I felt while going home after a long long time!

The Train - that will relieve us of tension,

The Train - that will give us sweet memories,

The Train - that will remove our fatigue,

The Train - that will give us hope,

This is the Train - that will take us home!

 

Fast shifting trees and shrubs,

Browsing through fields and farms,

Like a runner in a race,

Seeing nature’s beautiful face!

 

The girl that plays in the wild,

The smoke that comes from the hut,

The cattle that enjoys its food,

The birds that are chirping through!

 

The land, the sky and the scorched heat,

The sand, the stones that form a sheet,

The birds, the trees, the rain, whomsoever you meet,

In the long wretched journey, all shall be your gift!

 

Seeing through the Windows of Hope,

The future that beckons us, and the difficulties we must cope,

The journey, and the vehicle to ride,

The Train teaches us all, with a scope so wide!

 

NAYAN

19^th April 2006

While on train,

Going from College to far away Home

Reviews

[Delphine]

The main problem I had with this poem was that you've merely made statements of a scene, and you haven't incorporated your stanzas with emotion. Oh, of course, I know what this poem is about. I know that it's about nature, the beauty of is, that is, but how does this make you feel? Rather than list nouns, why not tell us how those nouns are?

For instance, you might say 'bird' but what is a 'bird'? Is it a helpless, soaring symbol of a wild predator's prey? If so, you might write:

To look up and see the
helpless, soaring symbol
of a predator's prey.

You can even go deeper, and weave emotion into the stanza, and it might look something like:

My heart tugs towards
the sky while
the helpless, soaring, symbol
of a predator's prey
stares.

And then, to go even deeper, you can describe what these things mean to you. It can be anything - as abstract as you want it. For instance, a certain woman might remind you of, 'a scar-streaked canvas' - and you don't even have to say that it is a woman who reminds you of this, and that's why poetry can seem so vague. It's because the author is describing a list of events by how it made them feel, and what it reminded them of. Everyone thinks of different things when confronted with something, and this is why we sometimes don't know how to interpret poetry.

Also, work on your separation of ideas. You've listed facts in your stanzas. Put one fact in a stanza, and then describe that fact. For instance, 'The girl that plays in the wild' - the whole stanza could revolve around that statement, that face. Why does she play in the wild? How does she look when she plays in the wild? How does she feel when she plays in the wild? And then choose another statement, another fact, and describe that fact, and so on and so on.

Remember: more imagery is more emotion. That's always good.

[Nayan]

I agree fully. I did not think and write with emotion, when I composed this. It was one of those initial days, when I started writing poems in English. We, a bunch of friends, were returning back home for a short vacation, after a stressful semester at our college.

But, nothing stops me from re-writing. I will re-imagine the scenes and write again. And this time, will remember of your points. It shall only refine my writing. Thank you Delphine!

[Cassandra D.]

Very well written!
The beginning was very interesting and i loved how this poem flowed!

[mystic soul]

Nice Work ! observations and imaginations are so well penned down...

[Brokensoul]

commendable observation...
Very fascinating write-up indeed!!!

[Ali_Avery~7]

nice job, I love the imagry and the symbolism!