The main problem I had with this poem was that you've merely made statements of a scene, and you haven't incorporated your stanzas with emotion. Oh, of course, I know what this poem is about. I know that it's about nature, the beauty of is, that is, but how does this make you feel? Rather than list nouns, why not tell us how those nouns are?
For instance, you might say 'bird' but what is a 'bird'? Is it a helpless, soaring symbol of a wild predator's prey? If so, you might write:
To look up and see the
helpless, soaring symbol
of a predator's prey.
You can even go deeper, and weave emotion into the stanza, and it might look something like:
My heart tugs towards
the sky while
the helpless, soaring, symbol
of a predator's prey
stares.
And then, to go even deeper, you can describe what these things mean to you. It can be anything - as abstract as you want it. For instance, a certain woman might remind you of, 'a scar-streaked canvas' - and you don't even have to say that it is a woman who reminds you of this, and that's why poetry can seem so vague. It's because the author is describing a list of events by how it made them feel, and what it reminded them of. Everyone thinks of different things when confronted with something, and this is why we sometimes don't know how to interpret poetry.
Also, work on your separation of ideas. You've listed facts in your stanzas. Put one fact in a stanza, and then describe that fact. For instance, 'The girl that plays in the wild' - the whole stanza could revolve around that statement, that face. Why does she play in the wild? How does she look when she plays in the wild? How does she feel when she plays in the wild? And then choose another statement, another fact, and describe that fact, and so on and so on.
Remember: more imagery is more emotion. That's always good.
Posted 14 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I agree fully. I did not think and write with emotion, when I composed this. It was one of those ini.. read moreI agree fully. I did not think and write with emotion, when I composed this. It was one of those initial days, when I started writing poems in English. We, a bunch of friends, were returning back home for a short vacation, after a stressful semester at our college.
But, nothing stops me from re-writing. I will re-imagine the scenes and write again. And this time, will remember of your points. It shall only refine my writing. Thank you Delphine!
The main problem I had with this poem was that you've merely made statements of a scene, and you haven't incorporated your stanzas with emotion. Oh, of course, I know what this poem is about. I know that it's about nature, the beauty of is, that is, but how does this make you feel? Rather than list nouns, why not tell us how those nouns are?
For instance, you might say 'bird' but what is a 'bird'? Is it a helpless, soaring symbol of a wild predator's prey? If so, you might write:
To look up and see the
helpless, soaring symbol
of a predator's prey.
You can even go deeper, and weave emotion into the stanza, and it might look something like:
My heart tugs towards
the sky while
the helpless, soaring, symbol
of a predator's prey
stares.
And then, to go even deeper, you can describe what these things mean to you. It can be anything - as abstract as you want it. For instance, a certain woman might remind you of, 'a scar-streaked canvas' - and you don't even have to say that it is a woman who reminds you of this, and that's why poetry can seem so vague. It's because the author is describing a list of events by how it made them feel, and what it reminded them of. Everyone thinks of different things when confronted with something, and this is why we sometimes don't know how to interpret poetry.
Also, work on your separation of ideas. You've listed facts in your stanzas. Put one fact in a stanza, and then describe that fact. For instance, 'The girl that plays in the wild' - the whole stanza could revolve around that statement, that face. Why does she play in the wild? How does she look when she plays in the wild? How does she feel when she plays in the wild? And then choose another statement, another fact, and describe that fact, and so on and so on.
Remember: more imagery is more emotion. That's always good.
Posted 14 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I agree fully. I did not think and write with emotion, when I composed this. It was one of those ini.. read moreI agree fully. I did not think and write with emotion, when I composed this. It was one of those initial days, when I started writing poems in English. We, a bunch of friends, were returning back home for a short vacation, after a stressful semester at our college.
But, nothing stops me from re-writing. I will re-imagine the scenes and write again. And this time, will remember of your points. It shall only refine my writing. Thank you Delphine!
while travelling in a train there's a longing to reach your destination... all the beautiful things that pass by are such a treat to watch... you have depicted all these feelings so vividly... Liked it!
Love the imagery!
And lemme tell u it reminds of the time when I was a kid, me and my parents used to go to our native place in kolkata during the summers and I used to observe such details looking out of the window. It fascinated me every time. But now things have changed it has been years since I have traveled by train.
This poem clearly reminds me of such moments from my childhood days. =)
A wonderful piece. The scenery on the outside when traveling by a train is beautifuly showcased. The Indian countryside is a beauty and a treat to watch. I always find that the best part of my journey in a train...
Really loved this one. Good flow...
Train rides can be wondrous journeys into nature. The countryside, the sounds, the smells can truly be experienced thru the rail ...The Train illustrates just that.. The last verse is awesome!
thanx for sharing Nayan!
GBU
A amazing poem. I like the trains. When I was station in Germany. Almost every weekend I would jump a train to a new place to see. I like the wisdom in your words. Last lines are very true.
Coyote
Hello, I am Nayan from India.
I love Poetry, Philosophy, Photography and Music; and want Goodwill to mankind!
I get astonished every moment at the marvels of science and space...
Let me travel.. more..