Drifting into Darkness

Slipping down into the darkness of my mind

I can't get back the shadows keep me confined

I lay here feeling only the dark, cold floor of lonliness

As I soon come to realize I'm drifting into darkness

 

I try to look up but all I see is the cold hard face of reality

I call out hoping someone will hear my desperate plea

The feelings I once felt become unimaginable as all I feel is pain

I scream and scream but no one hears, is it all in vain

Can you see me laying here wrapped in a blanket of fear

My eyes lifeless, my heart still, everything I say you can't hear

My mind slowly dying as I keep trying to get out to prevent me

from Drifting into Darkness

Reviews

[William James McPhee]

There is very strong emotion in this piece, however I feel it suffers from too many cliches.

I think the piece would be much stronger without these. I think honest descriptions would hit the reader a lot harder.

"dark, cold floor of lonliness"
"cold hard face of reality"
"wrapped in a blanket of fear"

Also, I would find a different way of saying "dark" or "darkness" in a couple spots, just so you aren't only reading that word. You can convey that sentiment using other means.

You can certainly sense the anguish in the piece. You nailed that. My suggestions are just minor edits (in my opinion).

[GrownUpTime]

i like this. it makes me think of my past and sometimes, my reality now. But thats what writings for :) expression and reling what you know. great write^^

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Wow this is really good...i love the imagery and the emotions in this write
Great Job

[Cherrie Palmer]

This is a great piece, it's strong and moving it draws the reader to the poet's voice. It creates empathy
and you can feel the loom of darkness. Great job I loved it. Cherrie

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Beautifully dark.. I happen to think the cliches click wonderfully here.. interwoven in a stream of sadness! Great flow, rhythm and rhyme in much of it.. you had some criticism from someone who has some good points but I like the overall feel of it. Sometimes poetry does not flow out perfect.. which I embrace for the simplicity it's flow. The end of it shows you trying to pull out of it to stop the depression from eating away at existance... everyone has these moments! Thank you so much for sharing! =)

[John A Common]

I love the happy stuff;). No just kidding this is very powerfull stuff. I dig the imagery and I can relate alot to this. Great poem.