Purple Haze Or Utter Confusion?

Seeming much more confused than I used to.
Without adequate sleep I don't know what I need to do,
Making me a lot less reliable than I wish to be.

I desperately want to clear things off my plate
And they keep piling on, what a state.
Partly because I keep raising my hand, stupid me.

I'm trying to swim to the surface, can see the sunlight,
But I just can't break up into the oxygen outright.

Now maybe this is just because I'm getting older,
Or I've still got the widower's brain, that's a twister.

Operating on a much reduced performance level and clout,
My more lucid moments are way below my former capacity.
Sometimes I think a lot of my brain cells have been wiped out,
Then here or there I get a little flash of the former operating mode.

Sometimes I don't seem to know what I need to do,

Feeling overwhelmed when I shouldn't be,
An inability to get going, to even breakthrough,

I find that I perform best when I do things
That don't concern my own life, but for someone else.
When it comes to my own life, I feel utterly  tarnished,
Often paralyzed, thinking is clouded, judgment obscured

And my ability to get things done has vanished.

My mind is always preoccupied
with thoughts of my late husband,
Concentrating not on a single thing.
Like trying to watch two movies at the same time,
Confusing, oh what a crime.

I hope that this is not a predictor of a permanent 'retardation'.
If this ever improves, I hope that 'old age' won't take its place.

I did not chose, but for this I was chosen.

A member of the 'Purple Haze Club'.

Reviews

[Carole]

The "Purple Haze Club!" I have been there...I think all you are talking about is normal, Brenda. I know you said something the other day and it made me realize it hasn't been all that long for you. It can take a few years, but at the moment, it is so fresh...Give yourself permission to grieve, and by all means, if you can...take a break from it all and do something you enjoy. Be gentle with you, hon. On special days, or days that remind you of your husband, plan ahead to do something special. It does help. What was his name?? Writing about it helps so much. :-)

[Forest Green]

Your emotions are touchingly itemized. No one can read this and not hope for the precious girl to drive the current back.

I've never heard of the 'Purple Haze Club' so I assume it to be an original...? Either way very well put and I believe I can relate.

Hoping for the best for you and yours,

Forest

[Blackbirdsong]

I like the cynical humor in this, especially the last stanza...I didn't ask for it either...it's like being drafted. LOL

great job here

[Jenny Davis]

Great tongue in cheek write :) I relate to this...

[Jet Lag]

man o man, did you ever hit on some of the feelings that seem to have overtaken my life recently. i'm so sorry that you have lost your mate. :( i haven't experienced that.

but these lines sound like what runs through my head these days, only you say them much more eloquently than i have been:
-Making me a lot less reliable than I wish to be.
-I desperately want to clear things off my plate
-And they keep piling on, what a state.
-I'm trying to swim to the surface, can see the sunlight,
-But I just can't break up into the oxygen outright.
-Operating on a much reduced performance level and clout,
-My more lucid moments are way below my former capacity.
-Sometimes I think a lot of my brain cells have been wiped out,
-Then here or there I get a little flash of the former operating mode.

i'm giving you 100 roses if it will let me rate. it hasn't since the meldown. :(

but i love this! going in my favorites.

Sometimes I don't seem to know what I need to do,

Feeling overwhelmed when I shouldn't be,
An inability to get going, to even breakthrough,