Denial

Strapped in the web of norms that the society has woven
around me in this comfortable shade. I feel the need to breathe
as it has become quite suffocating, living alternative lives.
   Both, running quite smoothly in parallel yet leaving behind
tons of clutter shaping up as regrets for my heart to savor. I ask
myself time and again which of these two is me; one who submits
and tries to live up to the expectations, or one who silently resists
the society and prefers following an unleashed heart?
I feel as if I am being torn apart by these opposite lives and would
eventually end up in bits of a false and vague persona. This is why
despite of an endless, conclusion less fight which goes on inside me
I am pouring my feelings to be sorted out instead.
I am a maiden in her yet early youthful years. I’ve desires like
every one else and my wishful thinking often ends up causing
great distractions for me.
My mother until the end of time bore this uncanny belief which
supposed, love is shown through acts of kindness and virtue and
isn’t an expression that can be measured by mere gestures.
For her gestures were never of any significance. I must admit my
innocent mind couldn’t understand the difference yet deep within
it starved for them.
   After scouting out the emotions that define my past I can only
paint a picture that has been brushed with a shade of utter gloom.
My soul seems to be coated by a fine layer of guilt, shame and
regret; ones which are eventually reflecting away every positive
vibe that are coming my way. Shame has given rise to endless
fears.
They’ve created a spirit which is rusting and being distorted in
unusual ways.    The agony that lives within lies in not being able
to skin out this layer of regret which is so fine and has penetrated
so deep into my skin that it has almost become my flesh. It has
numbed my soul further by drawing pain and ridding my mind
from the taste of faith. I am both hopeless and helpless. I woke
up today to find myself stuck so hard in the doldrums of despair.
What I truly am is what I myself don’t understand and perhaps this is
the Curb of pain.
   Don’t wonder about its triviality for when the self starts intruding
unsolicited in the matters of the heart the guilt which follows is life
long. Yes I hurt my baby. I was so blinded by my worthlessness that  
it never let me think twice before losing my faith in him. He had always
been the epitome of virtue and my soul shudders to imagine what I did to
him. He had never deserved it. Like all who were sacrificed by my inner
rage and eventually ended crossing eternities for the mistakes they could
not undo.
   But I loved him a lot. And I’d bath him forever in the sweet
fragrance of my love. With roses replaced each day in his final dwelling
as a reminder of the intensity of my adoration for him. And to Samantha
who tried to fill in for what I couldn’t give to him.
You’ll always be the closest to my heart.!