Antisocial

A short story about extreme shyness

I stood leaning over the balcony of our vacation home. It was dark out, but I could see the lights from houses close by. Off to my left, I could faintly see the path that leads to the sandy beach. Every few seconds, a cold breeze would sweep in, causing me to shiver. Inside the house was everyone with my same last name. My aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. They were all sitting in the living room, catching up, telling stories and drinking hard liquor. It is a place I'd think I could really be myself. But there I was, hiding on the balcony, letting tears stream from my eyes. I only wished to go down to the beach and escape in the relaxing rhythm of the waves, but it was much too late at night. I only wished to be with my Love, who was at a party doing who knows what. Aside from feeling abandoned by him, I felt lonely. Just in the doors, my entire family was gathered, having a good time. But I couldn't bring myself in. The voice in my head and the reluctance of my body simply wouldn't change. It's such a horrible feeling, being trapped in a body too afraid to speak. Once loneliness takes a bite out of me, it's hard to recover. I wiped the tears from my eyes, put out my cigarette, and went to my room. I wrapped my arms around the nearest pillow and let myself go. A few good sobs were in order, followed by a lot of sniffing. I hated the despair of knowing my flaw but not being able to change anything about it.
At school is no better. There, I try to keep my head high in hopes someone will want to talk to me. I smile and use manners, I do everything I can to appear inviting and friendly. But it proves no success. I understand I don't look like the typical girl at my school. Most girls wear tight yoga pants, some clean nice shoes, and they have long, flowing beautiful hair. Their faces are made up, but attractive, and they all have a bright and charming smile. I am a short, skinny girl, who wears ripped jeans, converse, a t-shirt followed by a big flannel. My hair is somewhat long but often dirty and messy. I wear very subtle makeup when I'm feeling up to it. But I am nothing to compare to the other girls. It's no wonder that they get more attention than I. But I wish just ONE person would talk to me. But I know that as soon as an opportunity like that comes up, I won't say a word. I am too afraid. I spend most of my time looking around, comparing myself to others. Sometimes I wish I fit in, but I know I never will. I am different. I think I used to be talkative and friendly, but it was such a long time ago...
Despite how quiet I am, I do have a significant other. He tells me I am the most amazing person he has ever met. Which I take more as a generous compliment rather than a true statement. I definitely wouldn't call myself "amazing". He has been with me for 2 years. I promised him I'd never leave him. He made the same promise to me. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together. I have given up so much for him because I don't see myself ever getting into another relationship. He is the only one. But even he grows impatient with my shyness. Sometimes he doesn't know what to do. That's no mistake on his part, though, for even I don't know what to do. When he spends time with new people I shut down, because I'm fearful of speaking to them. He is so comfortable with himself. He can talk to anyone he wants to and say anything he wishes with no regrets. I can't even say "Hello" without messing up and mentally collapsing. He does inspire me to be more social, but I don't think I could ever reach his level. But I can certainly dream.

I turn around and open the doors and am welcomed by a big wave of warm air, but nothing else. I drag my feet to the nearest chair and let myself fall in. Not a single member of my family raises their eyes or says my name. The familiar feeling of invisibility sweeps over me. Hours of stories, laughing, small talk pass by. I have nothing to bring to the table. I cannot relate to any of their topics. Their conversations fill the entire room and pack my ears. I sink deeper into the chair as I realize my depressing energy is not welcome among the bright, joyful energy of my family. I get up from the chair and carry myself up the stairs and straight into the bed I will sleep in. I already know this is going to be a very long weekend.