Love Theodicy

Dear diary,

Today I realized I relate to G*D the same as to my parents.

I both long for their love as Ultimate salvation and be utterly afraid of them.

My inner life is haunted by concepts such like redemption, purgatory, cognitio dei experimentalis, transverberatio, victim soul, scape goat, dies irae, original sin, agneus dei, binding of Isaac, grace and so on...

I'm afraid to walk before the alter without kneeling and crossing myself, else I'd be smitten.

I remember knots in my stomach at the mere idea of addressing my parents, dread when they lunged to hug, flinching each time they tried a kiss.

My Lord will you hurt me if I let you in ?

Love is my theodicy.

I hope one day I could internalize an "I love you" and know you're a jealous G*d, not a cruel a one. Can't say I put faith or trust it'll happen.