Entry Four: Unsure

Eric has mentioned that Jamie is worried about me. But I ask, then why doesn’t she just say so herself?

 

On a different note, I wrote a song expressing how I felt about Amanda and Eric and the way they were treating me at the time. Not sure how, but Amanda began reading it and then stopped, rejecting the truth it held. Her brother does the same thing. Whether it’s subconscious or not, they reject the fact that they are doing something wrong, and say that I have kinks to be smoothed out when they have their own.

 

I am reminded of a scripture in the Bible, Matthew 7:3-5. “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye. “

 

It almost seems as if they are trying to pull out my mote.

 

I understand life is supposed to be hard, and I am supposed to have struggles, but I’ve never had something this bad. Where I come home nearly every night wanting to cry; where I come home and only want to write my sorrows, pouring my heart out upon the paper.

 

My belief is that all adults forget their teenage years when they become adults. They try to understand, saying, “I know how you feel…” But I know for a fact that my own mother has never had the same exact experience as I am having now. If they just say that phrase to console us, then it is a pointless one, for it irritates me more than comforts me.

 

I don’t want someone to necessarily make me feel better. I want to know how to solve it, so that I no longer have to be comforted.

 

I am no longer sure whether I want to yell at my friends, or collapse crying into their arms. To hug them or to never talk to them again.

 

I see my friends now and they act as if nothing has ever happened. They treat me like they did before everything started. I know the Golden Rule applies still, but it is so hard to treat them kindly after all the suffering they put me through.

 

The worst is with Eric. After he verbally bashes me in an e-mail, he shows up at school talking to me like we are the absolute best of friends. Last year I would’ve said we had one of the strongest friendships in our school. This year we have one of the weakest.

 

Eric, if you read this, I love you as a brother. I want to be able to confide in you. My heart is being torn in two. One part of me wants to have nothing to do with you ever again. One part wants to repair the relationship. My head has sided with the first part, taking the easy way out. As much as I feel better off without you, I don’t want my heart to break more.

Friends are not real Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstoppers. They are the cheap brand you find at the store. It may say they last forever, but they are only there until you hit there soft spot.

 

Reviews

[Anna Writes]

i hope the character feels better soon...

[turtlegirlluver]

I love the relation to Willy Wonka's candy as it is so true. I like how this shows how she is torn between two different paths. She is at the crossroads and trying to see through the mist as to what road would be better or even easier for her. Good write!