Entry One: Drifting

 They are drifting. Gone are the days that we had, that I now cling to in hopes that they will return. The four friends that have become my confidants, my closest friends, my allies in times of despair, are leaving me.

 

Eric. One day, I sat down at the lunch table, wondering what suffering I would endure that day. The room was filled with the typical hustle and bustle of a cafeteria. The smells of ominous looking lunch food wafted around me. But before I can relate my suffering, you must know what Eric is like.

Eric is what I call “the weirdest weather system I’ve ever met”. He blows hot and cold more sporadically and often then anyone else I know. One moment he’ll be laughing and talking with me. The next, he’ll be criticizing me for something completely unrelated.

Frequently at lunch when he is upset, he is pestered by others to voice the cause of his sorrow. He refuses, yet is continually provoked. I regularly step in, saying, “he doesn’t have to tell you if he doesn’t want to.” After my defense, the attackers usually back off.

That day, I stupidly brought up that Eric had been in my dream the night before. I explained the details, but held one fact back, trying to save myself some embarrassment. Not because it involved me, but I just didn’t feel comfortable telling him. I told Eric I didn’t want to tell him what it was. Nevertheless, he unceasingly asked me about it. I finally switched to an empty lunch table nearby to compose my thoughts.

Eric and I have known each other forever, but lately he seemed to picking at me more than usual. I was concerned, but I knew better than to ask. I hoped he was just in one of his moods and it wouldn’t last long.

Minutes before we were dismissed, I moved back to my original spot. I’m still not sure even now what my goal when I returned. “If you don’t tell me, then I’ll make assumptions,” Eric told me, referring to my dream and my retained information.

“Then make assumptions. I don’t care,” I retorted.

“I hate it when you change moods so quickly on me,” he said quietly.

Standing up as we were excused to leave, I laid my hand, palm down, on the cool table and replied angrily to him, “You do the exact same thing to me.” I turned on my heel and strode out of the room, trying to get away.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the hurt look on his face when I snapped at him.

It wasn’t long until I began to regret what I had done. At the end of my next class, I gave my friend an apology note to hand to Eric. I hoped he would e-mail me a reply and we could repair the rent in our relationship. But he didn’t.

From my mailman friend I learned that night that Eric had torn up the note.

This hurt. He was ignoring me, criticizing me. I may have been justified in saying what I did, but I couldn’t mar him either. This is only one example of his drifting. Only time will tell whether things will return to normal between us. I doubt they ever will.

 

Jamie. I have one class hour with her all day. Gym. Gym in my opinion is only fun if you have someone to talk to and laugh with, that is, if you aren’t an athletic type.

I was enjoying spending time with her, until two other girls in the class decided they would participate in the fun. One of them, Nellie, is like a little puppy dog. It seems Jamie is only friends with her because she feels sorry for Nellie. No one else really likes Nellie, so no one hangs out with her. Then when Nellie by some miracle isn’t near Jamie, then there is Jenny. I can’t talk about anything personal with Jenny around. In fact, I can’t talk about anything at all. There’s no room for me to get a word in edgewise.

They won’t stop clinging to her. It’s my one time all day to talk to her, as Eric claims her for himself as soon as she gets to school, but Nellie and Jenny have taken her over. And she doesn’t care. I now have no one left to be with in gym, and it’s one of my least favorite classes. There’s just no one I can talk to.

 

Amanda. Eric’s older sister. I don’t even know where to start with her. Part of it is she’s being a teenager. Rebellious, disrespecting authority…and my parents think it’s rubbing off on me. Which it’s not, they just misinterpret what I’m trying to say. And then there’s that when she’s in a perfectly good mood with everyone else, she still finds time to get mad at me for one thing or another. She seems to be just like her brother in the respect that they both can be treating me nicely before school, and halfway through the day, want to hurt me. Figuratively, of course.

 

Mariah. Jamie’s younger sister. I can’t really say this is her fault, but I don’t see her much. She doesn’t go to the same school as I do, as she is a grade younger. I can’t blame her for drifting, but every time I do see her, she is with Eric and Jamie.

 

I feel so alone. Amanda hangs out with her friend Sarah, and so when I get to see them in the halls, they seem to be alone in their own world. I know it isn’t because they are juniors and I’m below them, because before it wasn’t a problem. Amanda doesn’t seem to want to talk to me anymore. Mariah, Jamie, and Eric always hang out together when possible. With two people it’s really easy to talk. With three people, it’s a little hard. But with four people, there seems to always be at least one person that’s going to be left out of the group. More often than not, it’s me.

 

But the odd thing is, if I act like they are treating me, they get all freaked out and won’t stop bugging me about it. Ignore Jamie and she’s concerned that something horrible is going on in my life. But if something is going on, she’s too busy laughing with Nellie and Jenny to truly notice. Ignore Eric, and he’s worried he’s offended me. But does he notice that he’s offended me when I just try to move on with life after he’s done so? Ignore Amanda and she’s offended. But does she notice when I take offense at her careless comments or her leaving me on my own? I say something – write a note, send an email – and they forget and continue on their merry way. There’s no way to get them to stop. And so I just take it in and try not to bottle it up, and they don’t seem to care.

 

As I watched Jamie, standing there laughing and talking, it was so hard not to cry as I am now.  They don’t notice when they hurt me, and it’s only after the wound starting to scab over that they try to come and patch it up. Their patch job only reopens the sore spot and makes it worse.

 

The four people I’ve felt the closest to are going away. I should have known it would happen eventually. My brain knew the truth, but my heart believed a lie.

 

Why do I even bother trying now?

 

Because I have no one else. No one, not even my parents, know as much about me and who I truly am, then they do. Or did. I bet I would miss them if I moved, but then at least it would be this constant heartbreak like I have now. Maybe I’d be better off without them.

 

Eric. Jamie. Amanda. Mariah. The four friends I care about the most. The friends love like siblings. They are drifting. My life rafts in my sea of life are stranding me in the frigid cold water with little hope of escape.

 

 

Reviews

[turtlegirlluver]

This is really good and you describe the situation very well. I can relate to some of it myself. It seems like this situation happens more than we know about. Good write, if there is more, I'm anxious to read it!

[C.J.]

wow nice i like the beginning i cant wait to read more!